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Charlotte Harris
Guest
Please can someone write my dissertation for me?! Its on pheasant slaughter. Any offers? Choc
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wormster
Guest
No thanks my other half's doing hers and its a nightmare to live with :tease:
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Beer
Guest
I'll swap it with a dissertation on sizing a CHP system for an imaginary building.
B
Beer
Guest
Technically mine is a 40'000 word group project, so I didn't get to decide what to do. My dissertation last year was looking at damage detection in quickdraws, much more fun.
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cucc Paul
Guest
Mines finish 
but i doo feel sorry for the rest of you if that helps :-[, means i can go caving agian
but i doo feel sorry for the rest of you if that helps :-[, means i can go caving agian 
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Charlotte Harris
Guest
Ummm....yeah....2000 words a day didn't really happen. A couple of all-nighters and I reckon I'll be alright!!! And what's even worse is I got my exam timetable and I have 2 Saturday exams!! Don't they realise I'll be caving?!?
RUBBISH!!! just change the dates of the weekends, ie weekend now runs from saturday night to monday night so when do your exams start?? they prob finish way before mine, ours are always really late it seems, and it doesnt mean any more revision gets done! I managed a whole 124 words this morning (better than none) before deciding i needed to earn sum pennies to afford caving for the next few months!!!
so when do your exams start?? they prob finish way before mine, ours are always really late it seems, and it doesnt mean any more revision gets done! I managed a whole 124 words this morning (better than none) before deciding i needed to earn sum pennies to afford caving for the next few months!!!
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Charlotte Harris
Guest
I was thinking of just missing a vouple of exams. Do you think they'd mind?! I start 10th May and am all finished by the 25th. Woooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
graham
New member
How many students does it take to change a lightbulb at ...
Aberystwyth: None - Most of them are still sleeping in the basketball court following housing shortages.
St. Andrews: Three - One to call the butler and two to arrange a tailor in Rome to design and make new suits for the special occasion. If a light bulb in a major building blows then increase to 27 to allow for a brass band playing the last post and five Sun reporters. The following days Sun will contain something along the lines of "Will's Pals in Blown Bulb Horror".
Aston: None - And stay down, they shoot at the lights, that's why the last one went.
Bath: Seven - Five to form a radical new initiative called 'TeamBulb Focus', one to make a public announcement stating "A successful environment is not about pushing yourself to the absolute limit" and one to change the light bulb before it's actually blown.
Birmingham: Nine - One to steal a new bulb from the back of a shop, two for the wheelmen and six to go shoot out all the light bulbs in some Aston student houses.
Brighton: Two if the bulb is in a female dorm, but sixteen if it is in a male dorm - 5 to make a big deal out of the incident, 10 to calm those 5 down, and one to run and fetch some girls to change the bulb.
Bristol: The whole farm - Mam and Pa scratch their heads quizzically wondering why they just had light and now they don't, lil' Billy to take the truck to the city to find out whas' going on!
Cambridge: Three - one to mix the martinis, one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay for the bill.
Cardiff: Two - one to distract the guards at the Millennium Stadium whilst the other steals a light bulb from the change rooms
Coventry: Two - One to take the bulb out and another to glass a random stranger's face with it.
DeMontfort: Seven - Two to change the bulb and five to write an interpretive modern drama about the experience.
Essex: Five - One to change it, one to hold her handbag whilst she changes it, one to make sure her thong is in clear view of all the surrounding men, and two to leer loudly at passers by, tempting them to "av a look at dis!"
Exeter - As many people as can possibly be involve, all rah-rahing, with their collars up, driving around the house in their new car daddy had brought, to show it off, then after the ordeal they will probably need to recover with a holiday in St Tropez.
Glasgow: None of your f"cking business!
Imperial: Eight - It's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress to achieve coordinated movement alone.
Leeds: Three - One to change it and two to find a way to get high off the old bulb.
Leicester: Four - One to change the bulb and three to complain bitterly that it wouldn't have been allowed to happen at Oxbridge, so please give us some funding. Please.
Liverpool: Only one, but he gets 10 course credits for doing it.
London School of Economics: Eighty-four - As follows: 2 People - Preliminary discussion of concept change. 1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture. 2 People - Feasibility study and timetable of events. 2 People - Research existing business methods used throughout the illuminations industry. 1 Person - Maintain ISO standards throughout the analysis. 4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change. 15 People - Change bulb. 5 People - Perform bulb functional test. 2 People - Perform bulb load test. 3 People - Perform bulb financial value regression test. 1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis. 1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis. 1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility). 1 Person - Report to Utilities Commission. 1 Person - Research from accepted user database. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tuneable fluorescent point product?) 5 People - Perform full compatibility/architecture study. 3 People - Ensure form (round/square,
clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet, flashing, flood/spot). 3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already (!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one). 5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket. 10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split 1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance group. 1 Person - Interview local distribution centres to obtain statistics on light bulb usage around London. 1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system. 1 Person - Review problems with BPR system. 11 People - Write a full report justifying the expenses outlined above, and explaining how the six month lead time on research delivery was marginally less than expected. 1 Person - Receive all credit for entire activity and also huge grant from local businesses. This person has to be a lecturer or post-grad.
Loughborough: 2 engineers - 1 to change said light bulb, 1 to bitch as to why there are no women at loughborough to do it for them, or, 370 sports science students as they can never be separated from one another
Manchester: One - Though it remains unchanged until someone sobers up enough to realise that the bulb's blown, then he nicks his flatmate's.
Newcastle: Eight - One to find a red 'Fireglow' bulb, one to mount it near the window and the other six to wait inside.
Open University: - Sixty - One to change the bulb, a camera crew of five people to document the event and the remainder to set up a live satellite broadcast of it on OUBBC Two.
Oxford: An entire college house, but only one of them is sober enough to figure out what to do with it, and he subsequently is cellophane-wrapped naked to a street lamp.
Oxford Brookes: Five - One to take the bulb out and four to stick their fingers in the socket.
Paisley: Between three and ten, depending on how far through the term it is, to club together their remaining funds to purchase a new light bulb.
Plymouth: Six - One to change it and five to campaign to make light bulb changing a new degree subject.
Pontypridd: Ten - One to buy the light bulb and nine to petition for the eventual electrification of Pontypridd.
Portsmouth: Greater than one - one to change the light bulb and the rest to point out the reasons why they change light bulbs better than Southampton do.
Reading: Three - One to pull the bulb out and two to complain when the socket and ceiling come down with it through dry rot.
Southampton: Two - one to change the light bulb and the other to go and get the work accredited by Nottingham Trent University.
UCL: Two - One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Oxbridge student.
UMIST: Five - One to design a nuclear powered light bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Greater Manchester using said light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
UNL: Nobody Knows - The light bulbs stay at North London University longer than the students.
Warwick: Seventy Six - One to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest allowing for permissible change in light bulbs, as long as the light bulbs accept it.
York: Three - One to change the bulb and one to check his maths coursework
Aberystwyth: None - Most of them are still sleeping in the basketball court following housing shortages.
St. Andrews: Three - One to call the butler and two to arrange a tailor in Rome to design and make new suits for the special occasion. If a light bulb in a major building blows then increase to 27 to allow for a brass band playing the last post and five Sun reporters. The following days Sun will contain something along the lines of "Will's Pals in Blown Bulb Horror".
Aston: None - And stay down, they shoot at the lights, that's why the last one went.
Bath: Seven - Five to form a radical new initiative called 'TeamBulb Focus', one to make a public announcement stating "A successful environment is not about pushing yourself to the absolute limit" and one to change the light bulb before it's actually blown.
Birmingham: Nine - One to steal a new bulb from the back of a shop, two for the wheelmen and six to go shoot out all the light bulbs in some Aston student houses.
Brighton: Two if the bulb is in a female dorm, but sixteen if it is in a male dorm - 5 to make a big deal out of the incident, 10 to calm those 5 down, and one to run and fetch some girls to change the bulb.
Bristol: The whole farm - Mam and Pa scratch their heads quizzically wondering why they just had light and now they don't, lil' Billy to take the truck to the city to find out whas' going on!
Cambridge: Three - one to mix the martinis, one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay for the bill.
Cardiff: Two - one to distract the guards at the Millennium Stadium whilst the other steals a light bulb from the change rooms
Coventry: Two - One to take the bulb out and another to glass a random stranger's face with it.
DeMontfort: Seven - Two to change the bulb and five to write an interpretive modern drama about the experience.
Essex: Five - One to change it, one to hold her handbag whilst she changes it, one to make sure her thong is in clear view of all the surrounding men, and two to leer loudly at passers by, tempting them to "av a look at dis!"
Exeter - As many people as can possibly be involve, all rah-rahing, with their collars up, driving around the house in their new car daddy had brought, to show it off, then after the ordeal they will probably need to recover with a holiday in St Tropez.
Glasgow: None of your f"cking business!
Imperial: Eight - It's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress to achieve coordinated movement alone.
Leeds: Three - One to change it and two to find a way to get high off the old bulb.
Leicester: Four - One to change the bulb and three to complain bitterly that it wouldn't have been allowed to happen at Oxbridge, so please give us some funding. Please.
Liverpool: Only one, but he gets 10 course credits for doing it.
London School of Economics: Eighty-four - As follows: 2 People - Preliminary discussion of concept change. 1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture. 2 People - Feasibility study and timetable of events. 2 People - Research existing business methods used throughout the illuminations industry. 1 Person - Maintain ISO standards throughout the analysis. 4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change. 15 People - Change bulb. 5 People - Perform bulb functional test. 2 People - Perform bulb load test. 3 People - Perform bulb financial value regression test. 1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis. 1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis. 1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility). 1 Person - Report to Utilities Commission. 1 Person - Research from accepted user database. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tuneable fluorescent point product?) 5 People - Perform full compatibility/architecture study. 3 People - Ensure form (round/square,
clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet, flashing, flood/spot). 3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already (!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one). 5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket. 10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split 1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance group. 1 Person - Interview local distribution centres to obtain statistics on light bulb usage around London. 1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system. 1 Person - Review problems with BPR system. 11 People - Write a full report justifying the expenses outlined above, and explaining how the six month lead time on research delivery was marginally less than expected. 1 Person - Receive all credit for entire activity and also huge grant from local businesses. This person has to be a lecturer or post-grad.
Loughborough: 2 engineers - 1 to change said light bulb, 1 to bitch as to why there are no women at loughborough to do it for them, or, 370 sports science students as they can never be separated from one another
Manchester: One - Though it remains unchanged until someone sobers up enough to realise that the bulb's blown, then he nicks his flatmate's.
Newcastle: Eight - One to find a red 'Fireglow' bulb, one to mount it near the window and the other six to wait inside.
Open University: - Sixty - One to change the bulb, a camera crew of five people to document the event and the remainder to set up a live satellite broadcast of it on OUBBC Two.
Oxford: An entire college house, but only one of them is sober enough to figure out what to do with it, and he subsequently is cellophane-wrapped naked to a street lamp.
Oxford Brookes: Five - One to take the bulb out and four to stick their fingers in the socket.
Paisley: Between three and ten, depending on how far through the term it is, to club together their remaining funds to purchase a new light bulb.
Plymouth: Six - One to change it and five to campaign to make light bulb changing a new degree subject.
Pontypridd: Ten - One to buy the light bulb and nine to petition for the eventual electrification of Pontypridd.
Portsmouth: Greater than one - one to change the light bulb and the rest to point out the reasons why they change light bulbs better than Southampton do.
Reading: Three - One to pull the bulb out and two to complain when the socket and ceiling come down with it through dry rot.
Southampton: Two - one to change the light bulb and the other to go and get the work accredited by Nottingham Trent University.
UCL: Two - One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Oxbridge student.
UMIST: Five - One to design a nuclear powered light bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Greater Manchester using said light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
UNL: Nobody Knows - The light bulbs stay at North London University longer than the students.
Warwick: Seventy Six - One to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest allowing for permissible change in light bulbs, as long as the light bulbs accept it.
York: Three - One to change the bulb and one to check his maths coursework
B
Beer
Guest
Since when has Southampton = Southampton Institute?
W
wormster
Guest
You forgot SWANSEA numpty
cap n chris
Well-known member
Aren't Swansea students supposed to be avoiding having sex with themselves, according to today's news?
cap n chris
Well-known member
Congratulations, Anne; couldn't you have done just a little bit better than that, though?
