Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1128839 times)

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5925 on: February 11, 2018, 04:56:41 pm »
I've just been doing our weekly shop with my wife, when totally out of the blue she called me a lazy bastard.

I was so shocked, I nearly fell out of the trolley.



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Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5926 on: February 11, 2018, 05:32:42 pm »
¡uᴉɐƃɐ ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ƃuᴉʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ’I 'ǝʞɐs ʞ**Ⅎ
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online paul

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5927 on: February 13, 2018, 05:35:00 pm »
I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing!

Online rhychydwr1

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5928 on: February 14, 2018, 10:18:47 am »
An old girl got in a state every year over sending Christmas cards whether she bought too few or too many, forgot people who sent her one, but sent cards to those who never returned one.

She had a bright idea: she would write a list of names as cards arrived and she wouldn’t send any,  or even buy them, until the list was complete. She would then know exactly how many cards she needed and whom to send them to. Cards arrived day by day, names were added to the list until eventually it was the last date for posting.

She rushed from shop to shop in a panic until, at a little comer shop, she found one box left containing 200 identical cards. ...

She bought them, dashed home, wrote them out, then ran and caught the last post. Returning home almost in tears with the stress, she collapsed into an armchair with a stiff drink. As she recovered she noticed the rhyme – This little card is just to say, a Christmas gift is on its way.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5929 on: February 16, 2018, 12:25:20 pm »
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now, you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5930 on: February 16, 2018, 11:23:11 pm »
Q. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

A. Aye Matey.

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5931 on: February 17, 2018, 09:24:39 pm »
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The keeper said it was bred in captivity

What is ET short for?
Because he only has little legs.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5932 on: February 18, 2018, 12:15:00 pm »
Elton John has been really depressed since losing his e-reader in a tornado...
Like a kindle in the wind.
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5933 on: February 18, 2018, 01:04:53 pm »
If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5934 on: February 18, 2018, 01:43:05 pm »
Two pieces of advice for being successful.

1. Never divulge everything you know.



Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5935 on: February 26, 2018, 09:36:20 am »
I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.

She had a ridiculously long name.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5936 on: February 26, 2018, 08:20:24 pm »
I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5937 on: February 26, 2018, 08:28:26 pm »
I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
:clap2:  :clap2:  :clap2:
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Online andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5938 on: February 27, 2018, 08:35:17 am »
It does look like we're about to have a bad spell of weather. The wife is looking through the window, it's minus 4 outside with blizzard conditions, heavy snow and strong winds. If it gets any worse I'll have to let the bitch in..
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5939 on: February 27, 2018, 11:35:49 am »
We've got 3 inches in East Sussex.
MNRC AGM at the weekend. Could be pictuesque on Mendip.
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5940 on: February 27, 2018, 03:07:34 pm »
Why is it that rubber trees are made of wood and wood pigeons aren't?
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5941 on: February 27, 2018, 04:52:20 pm »
Why is it that rubber trees are made of wood and wood pigeons aren't?
....or why is a woodcock a bird?  ::)
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5942 on: March 01, 2018, 08:37:06 am »
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.




"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5943 on: March 01, 2018, 09:44:10 am »
You forgot the split infinitve who wanted to quickly get drunk.

Offline Cave_Troll

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5944 on: March 01, 2018, 03:38:24 pm »
a galaxy walked into a bar only to be told "get out... you're barred"

Offline Graigwen

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5945 on: March 01, 2018, 08:49:49 pm »
a galaxy walked into a bar only to be told "get out... you're barred"

I thought that was the answer to......"Shakespear walked into a bar..."

.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5946 on: March 02, 2018, 09:36:42 am »
After running out of gravy, KFC blames the stock market.
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Offline RichardB1983

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5947 on: March 02, 2018, 10:34:34 am »
a galaxy walked into a bar only to be told "get out... you're barred"

I thought that was the answer to......"Shakespear walked into a bar..."


The punchline to that one would be "You're Bard" wouldn't it?

Offline Ed

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5948 on: March 02, 2018, 12:30:03 pm »
 these jokes are going from Bard to verse

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5949 on: March 02, 2018, 01:20:52 pm »
 :clap2:
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