Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1122413 times)

Online Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5850 on: January 08, 2018, 07:13:29 pm »
The door bell rang this morning and when I opened the door a 6ft tall beetle punched me in the face and called me a TWAT!


Apparently there's a nasty bug going around.


Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5851 on: January 08, 2018, 09:22:37 pm »
Suffering here with a bad case of "Bacon Flu"

It started out as Swine Flu, but I think I may have been cured.

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5852 on: January 08, 2018, 10:48:59 pm »
God, some of these jokes are such a boar.

Offline Rhinolophus

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5853 on: January 08, 2018, 10:51:57 pm »
Must admit, sometimes I’m left scratching my head!!

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5854 on: January 09, 2018, 09:17:13 am »
Must admit, sometimes I’m left scratching my head!!

You need some oinkment.

I'll get my coat.
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Offline T pot 2

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5855 on: January 09, 2018, 03:38:48 pm »
I'll just trotter off!

Offline shotlighter

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5856 on: January 09, 2018, 03:56:05 pm »
I wonder if that oinkment would do any old spot any good?
Right, I'm off before I post anything rasher.

Offline Oceanrower

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5857 on: January 09, 2018, 04:05:04 pm »
I know I'm grumpy and suffering from a bout of the winter blues but...

Does every bloody joke on here now really have to come with a shit load of crap puns afterwards?

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5858 on: January 09, 2018, 04:18:16 pm »
Sounds like you're a bit dis gruntled   :tease:
Malc
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Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Online ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5859 on: January 09, 2018, 04:31:03 pm »
Quote
I know I'm grumpy and suffering from a bout of the winter blues but...

Does every bloody joke on here now really have to come with a shit load of crap puns afterwards?
Yep, it's good to pork-fun or ham it up sometimes.

Offline royfellows

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5860 on: January 09, 2018, 05:18:29 pm »
For a change:

Ring ring, ring ring
"Hello"
[Caller] "Mr Fellows"
"Yes"
"Mr Fellows, this is the National Westminster Bank here. I am sorry to have to tell you that we believe someone has unauthorised access to your account. So as a security measure we need you to transfer all your money to a new account.
Now as you have no way of knowing is this call is genuine, which we appreciate. I am asking you to call us by the number you have for us right away.. We will then be able to deal with the matter and you will be certain that it is the Natwest you are dealing with.

Do you understand all this?"

Me "Yes"
Phone down, ring a number

[Recipiant] "National Westminster Bank"

"Hello, this is Roy Fellows calling about a security matter"
[Other end] "Yes your call was expected"

[Me cutting in] "Before we continue, can you just please answer something I dont understand"

[Other end] "Go ahead Mr Fellows"

"Well, you are the Natwest bank are you not"

[Other end] "We are"

[Me] Well I am wondering how you are answering this call. You see the number I dialled was a friend who lives in Wales.
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Offline Greg Jones

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5861 on: January 09, 2018, 06:32:05 pm »
Very sinister that one Roy. Did that really happen to you?
Renegade!

Offline Fred

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5862 on: January 09, 2018, 08:29:31 pm »
It's quite a well known scam.

I think the phone call back bit relies on them not hanging up i.e. the scam call is not terminated so you dialling another number doesn't do anything.

I had one of these once - a quick google of the branch code of the account they were trying to convince me to transfer money too showed it was with a completely different bank . Reported it to both banks' fraud department but don't know if anyone was caught or prosecuted.
The one thing to remember about an adventure is that if it turns out the way you expect it to, it has not been an adventure at all.

Online ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5863 on: January 09, 2018, 08:44:01 pm »
Real banks, building societies would never, ever, ask you to transfer funds, give cards or cash to couriers, reveal PIN numbers or passwords etc.  If there was ever a problem on your account they could simply block access, cancel cards, etc.  The recent Barclays adverts were pretty good at alerting people to the shysters antics.
The perpetrators need to put in a giant sausage (nearly a pork pun there) machine and fed to fellow sharks of the swimmy variety.


Offline royfellows

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5864 on: January 09, 2018, 09:19:39 pm »
Very sinister that one Roy. Did that really happen to you?

No, I posted it as a joke, but am keeping it as a game plan if I ever get one of those calls.
Scammer baiting is becoming something of a new national pastime, they record it and upload it to YouTube. Good.
"You are not consumers, you are the product" Google and Facebook, 'Masters of the Universe'

Online ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5865 on: January 09, 2018, 11:16:17 pm »
What does a successful pig drive?
A Hamborghini.

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5866 on: January 10, 2018, 11:51:20 am »
I just rang Alcohol Concern to tell them I was running drastically short of beer in my fridge.

They're quite rude, aren't they?
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online Cave_Troll

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5867 on: January 10, 2018, 03:19:08 pm »
I went to the "adult services" department of the local council.

they're not very polite either and told me to put my clothes on

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5868 on: January 10, 2018, 09:00:18 pm »
Dad - “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!!”
Son (storming off) - “ANYWAY, JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad - “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5869 on: January 10, 2018, 09:53:46 pm »
...
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5870 on: January 12, 2018, 09:31:11 am »
God: How many animals do I have left to make?

Angel: 2

God: How many legs do I have left?

Angel: 100

Centipede: Dibs!

Snake: You twat!
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5871 on: January 13, 2018, 03:46:05 pm »
I went to the gym and found a hole in my trainer big enough to put two fingers in. I'm in court next week.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5872 on: January 14, 2018, 04:52:59 pm »
I know of three good Motown groups, maybe 4 Tops.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5873 on: January 14, 2018, 05:01:19 pm »
A drunk was in line at the supermarket watching the lady in front put through her groceries.
2 litres of milk,
500 grams of butter,
A packet of cornflakes,
A packet of pasta
and a jar of spaghetti sauce.
He says to her "You're single aren't you?"
She looks at her groceries and wonders how the hell he knows that from her purchase.
Curiosity gets the better of her and she replies "Yes I am but how did you know"
The drunk replies "'cos your ugly".
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5874 on: January 15, 2018, 07:01:51 am »
A man and his pet ferret walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my ferret." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the ferret falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a ferret."

"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"