Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1147085 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6025 on: May 13, 2018, 02:18:19 pm »
I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline mrodoc

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6026 on: May 16, 2018, 06:35:44 am »
Came across this bloke hitting a moribund character dressed as a Viking. Told him I thought he was flogging a dead Norse.

Offline martinb

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6027 on: May 16, 2018, 11:37:56 am »
Came across this bloke hitting a moribund character dressed as a Viking. Told him I thought he was flogging a dead Norse.

As well as a like button, please can we have a 'groan' button?

Offline dugadig

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6028 on: May 16, 2018, 05:24:17 pm »
 ::)The mighty thunder god leapt onto his horse and shouted "I'm Thor".
The horse looked up and said " Thaths becauth you forgot your thaddle thilly"!  :'(

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6029 on: May 17, 2018, 01:39:54 pm »
I am surprised the horse did not bolt.
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline Oceanrower

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6030 on: May 17, 2018, 01:55:55 pm »
"Don't worry, darling," the girlfriend said to me, "size doesn't matter."


All our wallpaper fell off...

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6031 on: May 25, 2018, 11:00:57 am »
Man: "Hey Google, tell my wife that I cant make for the dinner with her parents."


Google Assistant: "Okay, will do."


After some considerable time...


Google Assistant: "Next time, you talk to your wife yourself."
MNRC

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6032 on: May 25, 2018, 12:17:32 pm »
I have a speed bump phobia.

 
But I’m slowly getting over it.

Maj.


Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline dugadig

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6033 on: May 25, 2018, 06:40:03 pm »
My new girlfriend was shocked when she saw the size of my huge manhood.
She is gradually accepting it though!  :spank:  ;D

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6034 on: May 27, 2018, 10:58:54 am »
Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters.

Ten long miserable years.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6035 on: June 01, 2018, 06:08:17 pm »
Two tunnocks caramel logs standing in the arrivals lounge at Glasgow airport. One turns to the other and says, how long you been a wafer?
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6036 on: June 02, 2018, 12:41:28 am »
Does anyone else find that Vampires are a pain in the neck?

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6037 on: June 03, 2018, 12:43:56 pm »
Does anyone else find that Vampires are a pain in the neck?
Yeah, they really suck!
MNRC

Offline Rhinolophus

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6038 on: June 03, 2018, 02:26:41 pm »
Humour with a bite!

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6039 on: June 05, 2018, 04:15:58 pm »
My wife said she could give me 14 reasons to leave me, not including my obsession with tennis.

I said, that's 15 love

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6040 on: June 08, 2018, 09:51:42 am »
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said "I want a second opinion". He said "OK, you're ugly too".
MNRC

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6041 on: June 11, 2018, 06:10:34 pm »
I picked up a hitchhiker recently.

He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a complete stranger. “Thanks, but why would you pick me up? For all you know, I could be a serial killer."

I said to him “The chances of having two serial killers in the one car would be astronomical."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6042 on: June 11, 2018, 06:53:16 pm »
The wife's mood swings are getting worse as she gets older...

she almost connected with the last one

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6043 on: June 12, 2018, 06:28:32 am »
Retrospectively, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online.

Heinz's site is a wonderful thing.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6044 on: June 12, 2018, 08:09:01 pm »
I think the water bed was the start of the end of our relationship.

 

We started to drift apart.

 
Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6045 on: June 13, 2018, 09:12:14 am »
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6046 on: June 13, 2018, 11:43:33 am »
I bet somebody works it out....?
MNRC

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6047 on: June 13, 2018, 11:58:20 am »
I'm just waiting for it Laurie!
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Spike

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6048 on: June 13, 2018, 01:31:27 pm »
-2.9812669

So guessing 2981?

Offline shortscotsman

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6049 on: June 13, 2018, 06:32:29 pm »
( -202 Sqrt[2] - 135 Log[3 - 2 Sqrt[2]]  )/16

..thats quite a PIN!