Credit Crisis terminology

Mrs Trellis

Well-known member
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS :-

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no pocket money, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her solicitor split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- Someone whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some idiot for ?100 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the idiot who bought Yahoo @ ?100 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in an asylum.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

PENSION -- Something you paid for and you don't receive if you work in the private sector. However if you work in the public sector it's something you don't pay for but do receive.



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1 How do you define optimism?

A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

2. What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?

The pizza can still feed a family of four.

3. As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating: '. . . and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.'

4. Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?

Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

5. What's the difference between a merchant bank and Katie Price (aka Jordan )?

A: Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment. But at least Katie Price is still worth something.

6. Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed.

They've called in the retrievers.

7. What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?

A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.

8. Latest announcement from the CEO of a nameless bank, overheard in a City bar:

'This credit crunch is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'

9. What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?

The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.

10. What's the capital of Iceland ?

About ?3.50.

11. A director decided to award a prize of ?50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch.

It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to ?10.

And finally, you know the credit crunch has turned into a recession when:

? The cash point asks if you can spare any change.

? There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.

? The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.

? Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.

? Highgrove has been repossessed.

? Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.

? Alistair Darling's eyebrows have turned white.
 
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