Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1079398 times)

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5675 on: May 15, 2017, 05:19:47 pm »
Might have been better as:

'No problem, Cnut'.

Online Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5676 on: May 16, 2017, 09:23:21 am »
The mother is lesbian?
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Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5677 on: May 16, 2017, 10:54:53 am »
Was their surname Watt?

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5678 on: May 17, 2017, 05:05:24 pm »
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a philosophy degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5679 on: May 18, 2017, 08:43:42 am »
Errrr . . . it took a bit of time, but the penny just dropped.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5680 on: May 31, 2017, 07:28:22 am »
I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70's.
Worst prostate exam ever.

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Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5681 on: May 31, 2017, 01:18:21 pm »
Hmmm, yes.   :'(      Biopsy included?
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5682 on: June 01, 2017, 01:30:23 am »
I've got an appointment with Dr Unpronounceable next week.  :(
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5683 on: June 01, 2017, 11:16:00 am »
Two surfers are sitting on a dune talking.
Surfer 1: "I have a half-sister. "
Surfer 2: "Different father? "
Surfer 1: "No, shark attack."
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5684 on: June 06, 2017, 10:06:34 am »
Me (Licking lips in anticipation) - "I've never done a bungee jump before!"
Instructor - "Please don't lick my lips again".
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5685 on: June 08, 2017, 12:30:57 pm »
Confession for Today: I haven't always worn a belt; In fact my trousers would often fall down unexpectedly.

But that was many moons ago.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5686 on: June 08, 2017, 01:13:21 pm »
Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Linux servers, mostly.
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5687 on: June 08, 2017, 01:51:58 pm »
Confession for Today: I haven't always worn a belt; In fact my trousers would often fall down unexpectedly.

But that was many moons ago.
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5688 on: June 08, 2017, 03:27:45 pm »
Confession for Today: I haven't always worn a belt; In fact my trousers would often fall down unexpectedly.

But that was many moons ago.

That's a good 'un Laurie - not heard that before!  Or have I?  :spank:  :spank:  :spank:
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5689 on: June 19, 2017, 01:44:55 pm »

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this:

What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
But what makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q. R S T. U V W X Y Z
are represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%


So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
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Now you know why some people are where they are! __________________
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Offline Oceanrower

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5690 on: June 19, 2017, 02:31:13 pm »
We clearly have a different opinion of what constitutes a joke...

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5691 on: June 19, 2017, 04:03:20 pm »
We clearly have a different opinion of what constitutes a joke...
Please advise recommended thread..... ::)
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5692 on: June 19, 2017, 04:22:02 pm »
A good quality waxed polyester should be OK if it's your oversuit you want to sew up...
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5693 on: June 19, 2017, 05:02:11 pm »
 :clap2: :clap2: :clap2:
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5694 on: July 03, 2017, 12:37:43 pm »
Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time, and St. Peter comes out to greet them.

“Sorry about this, guys,” says St. Peter, “God didn’t realize just how many people would get into Heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it’s sad or interesting enough, I’ll let you in.”

He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bookish sort in a bad business suit and says, “Tell me your story.”

“Okay,” says the man. “I thought I had a wonderful life. I had a beautiful wife and we had a lovely place on the 34th floor of an apartment building. I came home from work early today, and I saw my beautiful wife sleeping naked in bed. Then I saw another man’s clothes on the floor! So of course I started looking for the Censored who slept with my wife.”

The man continues, “Like I said, I lived in an apartment. There weren’t that many places to hide, but I couldn’t find him anywhere! Just when I was about to go confront my wife, I see him. The Censored was hiding outside the window, holding on to the windowsill. I go up to him and started stomping on his hands over and over again, but he wouldn’t let go. I finally kicked him in the face and he fell.

Unfortunately, he landed on a bush and bounced to safety. In my anger, I grabbed my refrigerator and threw it out after him. However, the cord from the refrigerator wrapped around my leg and pulled me to my death.”

St. Peter nods and says, “Your story is acceptable. Welcome to Heaven.”

He goes to the second man, a brawny working-man type, and says, “What’s your story?”

“I’m a window cleaner,” says the man, “I’ve been a window cleaner for over 20 years. Well today, I’m cleaning the windows of the 35th floor of this apartment building when my scaffolding breaks. I thought I was going to die, but I manage to catch myself on the windowsill of the story below.”

The man continues, “All of a sudden this maniac comes out and starts mashing my fingers. I try my best to hold on, but he kicks me in the face and I fall. Once again, I thought I was going to die, but I land on this hedge and bounce away, no worse for the wear. I look up and BOOM. Dead. Last thing I saw was a refrigerator.”

St. Peter holds back a chuckle and lets him into Heaven. He goes to the third man, a ridiculously handsome fellow with sandy-blonde hair, and asks, “What’s your story?”

“Alright,” says the third man, “Imagine me naked… in a refrigerator.”
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5695 on: July 03, 2017, 07:40:37 pm »
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.

I did that and I feel much better, but I am wondering, should I keep the letters.?
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5696 on: July 11, 2017, 11:59:06 am »
If I had a pound for every time I was told I was sexist, I'd have as much money as a woman's weekly wage.
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5697 on: July 11, 2017, 02:00:34 pm »
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can get two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

And those, my friends, are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5698 on: July 11, 2017, 03:19:42 pm »
We don't need a 'like button' – just a 'groan button'.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5699 on: July 11, 2017, 04:05:21 pm »
Non-Breaking Pop News for #NationalCreamTeaDay: The Jam and Cream were to reunite for a gig on the Devon/Cornwall border today, but the organisers couldn't agree who would go on first.
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