Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1199260 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6300 on: March 03, 2019, 09:08:34 am »
pr0n teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6301 on: March 03, 2019, 02:44:58 pm »
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive...

Lucky my sister told me about it really.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6302 on: March 05, 2019, 09:21:53 am »
A married couple who work as professional clowns have decided to split. The divorce will be amicable, though there's expected to be a lengthy custardy battle.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6303 on: March 08, 2019, 08:12:18 am »
What it's like to be British -

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6304 on: March 08, 2019, 10:46:35 am »
Some of those are oh so true....



....but I'm not going to tell you which.   :tease:
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Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6305 on: March 08, 2019, 11:18:53 am »
The tea one for me definitely rings true (well there are lots of tea ones) but all very factual.
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Offline Kenilworth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6306 on: March 08, 2019, 12:09:31 pm »
Really? I don't know anything about British culture, but is it really so that you guys are known for self-loathing mopery and crippling insecurity? Maybe that helps me understand this forum a little bit better.

Offline nearlywhite

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6307 on: March 08, 2019, 12:36:23 pm »
Really? I don't know anything about British culture, but is it really so that you guys are known for self-loathing mopery and crippling insecurity? Maybe that helps me understand this forum a little bit better.

Well we're not known for a brash arrogance and an overvalued sense of one's own importance - we lost that when we lost the Empire.

Perhaps you might lose that too once Trump cripples your country.

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6308 on: March 08, 2019, 12:42:32 pm »
Quote
Well we're not known for a brash arrogance and an overvalued sense of one's own importance - we lost that when we lost the Empire.

Except most of those who voted Brexit! lol
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline gardouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6309 on: March 08, 2019, 12:56:49 pm »
The woman next to me on the roller coaster wouldn't stop screaming.
It's like she had never seen a penis before.
« Last Edit: March 08, 2019, 01:16:27 pm by gardouth »
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Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6310 on: March 08, 2019, 01:53:04 pm »
Hi Kenilworth, I don't think it's
Quote
self-loathing mopery
, but self-mockery; in my opinion it's not such a bad thing to be able to take the piss out of yourself and send yourself up.

Offline Kenilworth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6311 on: March 08, 2019, 02:39:49 pm »
Hi Kenilworth, I don't think it's
Quote
self-loathing mopery
, but self-mockery; in my opinion it's not such a bad thing to be able to take the piss out of yourself and send yourself up.
Agreed.
Well we're not known for a brash arrogance and an overvalued sense of one's own importance - we lost that when we lost the Empire.

Perhaps you might lose that too once Trump cripples your country.

I haven't got a country. American arrogance is certainly real and repulsive, as is any form of nationalism. I'm interested in culture, not politics, though they are quite connected sometimes. One semi-admirable part of a mostly vanished American culture was a sort of confidence and self-sufficiency. That grew into arrogance and self-worship, yes, but for a time it produced a number of legitimate communities that subsisted relatively wholly in the places they had settled. Of course, confidence was really based on ecological richness, and self-sufficiency was really dependent on that same richness, which became a "resource" and was confidently and ignorantly demolished.

What is the root of the British attitude described above?

Sorry, this is about jokes.

What does a snail on a turtles back say?

Wheeeeeeee!

Online 2xw

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6312 on: March 08, 2019, 03:17:57 pm »
Stuff
Agreed.
Stuff

....stuff.......

Sorry, this is about jokes.

What does a snail on a turtles back say?

Wheeeeeeee!

Wait, your posts aren't an elaborate satire????

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6313 on: March 08, 2019, 04:33:29 pm »
Bloomin' 'eck!!!  You lot aren't half easy to wind up.  ::)
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Offline paul

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Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6315 on: March 10, 2019, 12:27:16 pm »
The bloke who stole my diary just died.
My thoughts are with his family.
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6316 on: March 10, 2019, 01:08:45 pm »
The mafia forced my brother to go on a creative writing course. They made him an author: he couldn't refuse.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6317 on: March 11, 2019, 08:31:33 am »
At the local fete, I was charged £4.50 for a bowl of jelly. It was daylight wobbly.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6318 on: March 11, 2019, 08:34:46 am »
Me: "Excuse me, do you have any books on oils & lubricants?"

Librarian: "Yes, they will be over there in the non- friction section."
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6319 on: March 11, 2019, 03:26:03 pm »
The Met Office has just issued a "yellow warning" for wind - just how DO they know I'm having beans for tea?
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6320 on: March 11, 2019, 05:38:57 pm »
In a recent job interview, I was asked how I would perform under pressure.

I thought for a moment and said I didn’t know all the words to that one, but I could have a good bash at Bohemian Rhapsody.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6321 on: March 11, 2019, 08:24:24 pm »
Quote
The Met Office has just issued a "yellow warning" for wind - just how DO they know I'm having beans for tea?

I just love their yellow snow warnings. Whatever you do don't eat it!
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6322 on: March 12, 2019, 08:43:16 am »
A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs Terry is 64 years old, she has four grown children
and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
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Offline bograt

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6323 on: March 13, 2019, 04:25:21 pm »
Couldn't remember why I'd made a doctor's appointment, then the wife said "is it about your amnesia ?" ---
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6324 on: March 13, 2019, 04:57:13 pm »
It’s costing me £10,000, but it looks like I’m finally going to be cured of my gullibility.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"