Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1079784 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5700 on: July 12, 2017, 08:37:38 am »
During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential
swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the
Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart,
Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realise that
he just speaks the words, he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........." neither does the parrot."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5701 on: July 16, 2017, 08:22:16 am »
A couple of reference books that hadn't seen each other in a while met on the sidewalk. Book 1 said "Wow, you look so much thinner". Book 2 replied "Thanks, just had my appendix removed".

"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5702 on: July 16, 2017, 11:13:40 am »
A number of hookers in Nevada, where prostitution is legal, have organised as 'Hookers For Healthcare', to oppose the new healthcare legislation in the U.S. Senate.

This poses a real quandary. I don't know which side to believe. I mean, on one side there's this small group of amoral people who every day debase themselves by doing anything, no matter how disgusting and depraved, to please the men who give them money. And on the other side, we've got hookers.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online rhychydwr1

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5703 on: July 16, 2017, 12:41:49 pm »
"EVEN A WOMAN CAN DO IT"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5704 on: July 21, 2017, 10:29:49 am »
 Elvis Costello once swapped a tyre for a box of chocolates.

That was a Goodyear for the Roses

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Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5705 on: July 23, 2017, 12:05:06 pm »
If you ever feel your life is pointless, just remember.... Someone out there is fitting indicators to a BMW.
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5706 on: July 27, 2017, 12:45:46 pm »
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin , Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5707 on: July 30, 2017, 09:37:22 pm »
I've just had my shop broken into. They stole 50 cans of Red Bull.

i just don't know how they sleep at night.

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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5708 on: August 02, 2017, 08:33:44 am »
Bob the flasher was going to retire, but he had a re-think and is going to hang it out for another year.
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Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5709 on: August 09, 2017, 01:07:36 am »
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Online andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5710 on: August 09, 2017, 08:59:44 am »
AH! Now that's something that was was revealed to me at school in our topology lessons with Miss Winsome!
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5711 on: August 09, 2017, 09:32:30 am »
Last night I dreamt that it was me who had written Lord of the Rings.

When I awoke I realised that I had just been Tolkien in my sleep.

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Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5712 on: August 10, 2017, 01:54:10 am »
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'. But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . .. this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
Fish?", queries Noah.
"Yep, fish. . .well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" Check".
With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
Check".
And you want it full of Carp?".
Check".
Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.





Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline martinb

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5713 on: August 10, 2017, 08:34:32 pm »
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'. But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . .. this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
Fish?", queries Noah.
"Yep, fish. . .well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" Check".
With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
Check".
And you want it full of Carp?".
Check".
Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.





Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".


 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :bow: :bow: :bow:

Online Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5714 on: August 11, 2017, 01:10:57 pm »
Do you think that Noah made himself a perch to sit on, or would he just flounder around?

Online andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5715 on: August 11, 2017, 01:13:23 pm »
Methinks he had his own seat at the stern, with "Noah's Plaice" written on it.  :smartass:
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5716 on: August 11, 2017, 01:20:20 pm »
What a load of cod  :tease:

Offline wormster

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5717 on: August 11, 2017, 05:11:23 pm »
Oh stop Carping on........
You die - We split you kit!

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5718 on: August 12, 2017, 10:29:58 am »
I can feel the tenchion rising.
Malc
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Online Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5719 on: August 12, 2017, 10:45:33 am »
Anyway, they probably had a whale of a time, so stop being crabby, you lot.

Offline shotlighter

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5720 on: August 12, 2017, 03:14:23 pm »
Reminds me of the barnacles whose marriage is on the rocks.
He won't stop surfing the net for prawn.

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5721 on: August 13, 2017, 08:59:22 am »
Reminds me of the barnacles whose marriage is on the rocks.
He won't stop surfing the net for prawn.
You're just being shellfish.
Malc
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Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
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Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5722 on: August 13, 2017, 11:15:59 am »
"Herr Capitain, these puns are pollocks and have left me flounder-ing.  I shall record your names and put you in your plaice after the war.  You, what's yours?"
"Don't tell him Pike!"

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5723 on: August 14, 2017, 11:04:46 am »
"Herr Capitain, these puns are pollocks and have left me flounder-ing.  I shall record your names and put you in your plaice after the war.  You, what's yours?"
"Don't tell him Pike!"

I can see you're a dab hand at this.
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline Tripod

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5724 on: August 14, 2017, 06:24:12 pm »
When will all these fish puns end? On Salmon-chanted evening? Blame SWMBO for that!