Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1215397 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6275 on: February 04, 2019, 09:17:22 am »
Genie: “You can have two wishes.”

Dave: “I wish I was rich.”

Genie: “Granted, now what’s your second wish?”

Rich: “I want lots of money.”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6276 on: February 05, 2019, 09:18:28 am »
My friend has been really unwell, so I went round to see him this afternoon. I took some DVDs and ready meals.
Fingers crossed - he’s too ill to notice they’ve gone.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6277 on: February 05, 2019, 12:02:32 pm »
Genie: “You can have two wishes.”

Dave: “I wish I was rich.”

Genie: “Granted, now what’s your second wish?”

Rich: “I want lots of money.”

Sounds like a young Irish waitress I used to know.....
"I haven't smoked half so many since I gave 'em up."
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6278 on: February 06, 2019, 07:31:12 am »
Find your 'street name' by looking at the second line of any utility bill.
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Offline Graigwen

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6279 on: February 06, 2019, 08:22:50 am »
Find your 'street name' by looking at the second line of any utility bill.


...I got some odd looks on the street when I said my name was Bentleysfield Hall.


.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6280 on: February 06, 2019, 09:06:45 am »
Find your 'street name' by looking at the second line of any utility bill.


...I got some odd looks on the street when I said my name was Bentleysfield Hall.


.
Could be worse...
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6281 on: February 06, 2019, 11:36:12 am »
My 9 year old daughter has disappeared.
She was last seen using a moisturiser cream that makes you look 10 years younger.
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6282 on: February 09, 2019, 03:46:57 pm »
Anyone else noticed that if you sit and stare at a green traffic light it makes a noise like a car horn?
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6283 on: February 10, 2019, 10:15:44 am »
"Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse? Better... or worse?"
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6284 on: February 11, 2019, 03:03:21 pm »
They say dogs are a man's best friend, don’t believe a word of it! A cat will never show the police where your drugs are hidden.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6285 on: February 12, 2019, 08:58:34 am »
I went out for a curry last night and the waiter persuaded me to try their new Pelican Balti.

It was actually quite good, but I got a bit of a shock when I saw the size of the bill!
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6286 on: February 12, 2019, 06:42:26 pm »
My lobster and crayfish impersonations are so good that I'm thinking of branching out into crabs, though that's really a sideways move.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6287 on: February 13, 2019, 09:39:51 am »
My granddad died a few weeks after my grandma passed away. At first, we thought he died of a broken heart - but it turned out he couldn't cook.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6288 on: February 16, 2019, 10:48:28 am »
Managed to miss my session at the gym this morning........that's 60 years in a row.

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Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6289 on: February 16, 2019, 01:08:53 pm »
Einstein's girlfriend: I'd like two things from you, Bertie, space and time.

Einstein: What's the second one?

Offline mrodoc

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6290 on: February 16, 2019, 06:29:12 pm »
Relatively amusing.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6291 on: February 17, 2019, 11:54:47 am »
I have a quite a few jokes about cash machines.
I just can't think of any ATM.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6292 on: February 18, 2019, 09:13:27 am »
I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea, and haemorrhoids last week.

First time I’ve ever won a game of Scrabble.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6293 on: February 20, 2019, 09:29:35 am »
My Grandad was a terrible gambler. In fact, his last words to my Grandma were “I bet that’s not loaded”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6294 on: February 22, 2019, 10:13:18 am »
I went on a tour of the postcard factory yesterday.
It was nothing to write home about.
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Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6295 on: February 22, 2019, 01:45:29 pm »
Someone once told me I had a head like a light bulb.
To say I was angry was an understatement - in fact I was incandescent with rage.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6296 on: February 25, 2019, 12:18:04 pm »
Invisible ink - that’s something you don’t see any more.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6297 on: March 01, 2019, 11:20:09 am »
I used to get strange looks for trying to use my phone on the bus, but then again, it was 1982.
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Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6298 on: March 01, 2019, 11:48:53 am »
I called the RSPCA today and said "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with two cats in it."
"That's terrible." She said. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest." I said. "But that would explain the suitcase."
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Offline The Old Ruminator

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6299 on: March 01, 2019, 12:54:18 pm »


May be nearer to the truth than a joke.