The Force is just like duct tape.... it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together

Just treated myself to a new book "A Guide to Keeping Budgerigars" by Hugh Zapretti-Boyden.

I found the best ones for me, flexi neoprene knee support sleeves off ebay. Worn under furry suit. For extra cushioning in Limestone country, I stuff a couple of folded dusters or slices of sponges down the fronts. Its like crawling over kittens! MARK

Whats the most dangerous place on a container ship? the bridge.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

I paid a tenner for a super Pokey Stick in a fleamarket in Barnard Castle. (Properly) home-made from a drill steel, about 30" straight with tempered point and chisel ends. Superb general-purpose piece of kit, man enough for the job but not too heavy to wield. Ideal for loosening packed fill...

We had a similar Tango moment recently in a well-known North Pennines mine. High in an off-the-beaten-track stope, someone (who must remain nameless) inadvertently put his size 10 though an ochre dam holding back rather a lot of water. The resulting orange cascade down the manway into the...

Alongside Tom Lehrer, my joint favourite Xmas song: Happy Xmas All MARK

Thanks for your interest, it went a couple of weeks ago. cheers MARK

Man goes into public toilet. Starts peeing in the urinal but its spraying absolutely everywhere like a lawn sprinkler The guy next to him says "Hey, watch where your peeing!" First guy says "Sorry, I have this condition - born with multiple holes in the end of my old man" Second chap reaches...

Just heard this on the lunchtime news The government has been heavily criticised for a lack of planning and strategy over the UK's water infrastructure, citing in particular, no new reservoir construction projects in over 30 years. This was highlighted in a damming report.....

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.

There was a young fellow from Kent Whose tool was remarkably bent To save himself trouble He stuffed it in double And instead of coming he went!

There once was a girl from Devizes Whose breasts were of different sizes One was so small Hardly anything at all But the other was big and won prizes!

At Teesside Crown Court today, a printer was found guilty of stealing all the Full Stops from his place of work. The judge told him to expect a long sentence.

Heard on a Kulula Airways flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

I have a spare Petzl stop; barely used. asking £50 + post (say £3.50) PM if interested. MARK

Elon Musk landed at Luton in his Lear jet, on his way to the AI conference. He couldnt remember if he was supposed to go to Bletchley or Sketchley, so the taxi driver took him to the cleaners.