Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

Being ambushed by cake is known in Whitehall as Flan C.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Breaking News............for his bravery in the face of a cake ambush Boris has been awarded the Victoria sponge.

 

[GarDouth]

I hear that eggs are going back up again. That?s bad news for hens.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I think sex is better on holiday - so that's what I told my husband on his postcard.

 

[tony from suffolk]

SWMBO was going to cook alligator for me to try tonight but sadly, she only had a croc pot.

 

[andys]

I honestly never thought I'd manage it, but - I've just completed a Dry January! HOORAY! So today I've just been out to renew my swimming pool membership.

 

[Pitlamp]

Not a joke - but I've just done proper dry January; unlike a certain person I made a pact with who lapsed on 29th!  :tease:

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[paul]

.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A woman was in court for shoplifting. The judge said, "What did you take?"
She replied, "A tin of pears."
"How many pears in the tin?"
"6."
"Ok, I'm giving you 6 weeks in prison to teach you a lesson."

Her husband stood up & said, "Excuse me, she also took a large tin of peas!"

 

[tony from suffolk]

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospial for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn?t be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Cadbury chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: ?I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ? but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.?
To this the Arab replied: ?Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now?

 

[tony from suffolk]

I?ve been accused of making love to a woman when she was asleep.

In my defence, she was awake when I started.

 

[GarDouth]

A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at a nearby farmhouse door and a woman answers.
"I appear to have killed your cockerel" he says, "I'd like to replace it."
The woman replies: "Please yourself - the hens are round the back."

 

[tony from suffolk]

By all means, come along to the Flatulence Club meeting but beware! It's not for the ain't farted.

 

[PeteHall]

What do you call a Scot with diarrhoea? Brave Fart 

 

[andys]

I have a stepladder, 'cos my real ladder left when I was a kid.

 

[tony from suffolk]

I wonder if I will upset the wife again this valentine's?
Last year I got her a matching bag and belt and she went crazy at me.
On the plus side the hoover has never worked so well.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books?

Now we scroll through books on tablets!

 

[andys]

To the guy who invented zero - thanks for nothing.

 

[GarDouth]

How many roses should I give my partner for valentine's day, 6..12..24. Or the whole tin ?