Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[GarDouth]

A German shepard did a poo on my lawn. When I confronted him, he tried to blame his dog.

 

[tony from suffolk]

At a hotel, someone had folded the towel into a swan. When I went to dry my hands, it broke my arm.

 

[Laurie]

Police have confirmed that a man who died, after falling off the roof of a nightclub, was not a bouncer

 

[TheBitterEnd]

A pharmacist goes through to the counter and sees a guy leaning against the wall holding his stomach so he asks the sales girl "What's the matter with him"

She says "he came in with a cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative"

The pharmacist looks very concerned and says "you can't treat a cough with laxative!"

The sales girl says "Yes you can, look at him he's too afraid to cough"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

At a hotel, someone had folded the towel into a swan. When I went to dry my hands, it broke my arm.

In Egypt they folded the towels into an elephant. I couldn't open the wardrobe door for the balls of dung blocking it.

 

[tony from suffolk]

My wife's rather upset, someone has stolen a pair of her knickers off the washing line.
She's not bothered about the knickers, she just wants her 12 pegs back.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Someone said to me, "I bet you can't  make a pun about a flower??"

But I rose to the challenge!

 

[pwhole]

No shrinking violet this one  :halo:

 

[tony from suffolk]

China has stopped the dreadful practice of eating animals we class as pets. They have marked the occasion by producing a new instant  ?Add boiling water? snack called Not Poodle.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Walkers Crisps have announced that, after 74 years of production, they are just about to finish their first sack of potatoes.

 

[tony from suffolk]

I tried to enter an "Ugly" contest, but they said, "Sorry, no professionals".

 

[GarDouth]

A man was in bed with his wife.
"I've just got some Olympic condoms." he says. "They come in three colours - gold, silver and bronze. Which one shall we use tonight?"
The wife replies: "Use the silver then maybe you'll come second for a change."

 

[tony from suffolk]

My wife wanted Chanel 5 for her birthday. She's going to be absolutely made up, all I had to do was retune the Freeview box.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[andys]

Bill died, leaving a will that provided ?30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last of the visitors departed the service, his wife, Lynne, turned to her dearest friend, Sue, and said, "Well, I think Bill would be pleased."
"I'm sure you're right," replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Lynne. "All thirty thousand."
"No!" Sue exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but ?30,000?"
Lynne replied, "Yes. The funeral was ?1,500; I donated ?1,000 to the church, and the food and drinks for the funeral supper were another ?500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Sue computed quickly then asked, "?25,000 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how big is it?"
"Two and a half carats."

 

[Mrs Trellis]

The kids have been on Ebay all day.

No takers, might have to lower the price.

 

[tony from suffolk]

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to Select Each Image That contains Traffic Lights.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

The doctor said I has three months to live so I got a second opinion and got another three months.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Guy in front of me at petrol pump 3 put ?10 of petrol in his car. Where was he planning to go to? Pump 4????

 

[hoehlenforscher]

Banged my head on a bridge earlier!.........I would of been ok if viaduct.