Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Fred]

Just been sent a list of "100 things to do before you die", quite surprised to find that "Shout for help" wasn't there anywhere.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Fulk]

Could have been worse; you could have had the toucan curry.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Oceanrower]

Pedant alert. That’s not an acronym. It’s an initialism.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Pedant alert - on here it's pendant.

 

[Sid]

Could have been worse; you could have had the toucan curry.

or Tarka, its like normal curry but otter

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[alanw]

 

[Space Doubt Caver]

My Ropes are my friends.... We hang out all the time!

 

[hyweldavies]

A penguin goes in a bar and orders a pint of lager. The barman asks "Was your brother in here last night ?"
The penguin says "I don't know - what did he look like ?"

That reminds me of Spike Milligan's account of his first time meeting fellow Goon Harry Secombe. During the War Spike's cannon hadn't been secured properly and rolled down an embankment past where Secombe's unit had stopped for a fag break. Spike asks "anyone seen my gun?". Quick as a flash Secombe responds "Dunno, what colour was it?"

 

[ZombieCake]

A pen doctor showed up at my house late last night. She had travelled all the way from Madrid just to fix my broken Biro.

"I wasn't expecting you" I said, given the late hour.

"No one expects the Spanish Ink Physician" she replied....

 

[Fulk]

They don't get much more convoluted than that . . . still, I liked it!

 

[ZombieCake]

They don't get much more convoluted than that . . . still, I liked it!

Just pull up a comfy chair...

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker.
He says to the landlord, "f*** me, that must be one clever dog."
"Not really", said the landlord.
"Every time he gets a good hand his fucking tail starts wagging!"

 

[legendrider]

Cinderella is sitting at home, missing the Ball, when Fairy Godmother appears. With a wave of her wand she exclaims

"You shall go to the Ball, but remember to leave by midnight or your fanny will turn into a pumpkin!"

So Cinders goes to the Ball, and meets a handsome prince with whom she dances all night.
Just before midnight she remembers Fairy Godmother's warning, and says to him "Alas, I must go, but first may I know your name?"

"Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater" he replies

"Actually, I'm not in any rush, I could stay a bit longer"

 

[tony from suffolk]

Gym tips - work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go & lift the big weights, but actually, the smaller, lighter weights are much easier to lift.