Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[oldfart]

My electric utility gave me a very nice compliment... they said my bill is outstanding!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

The other day my dog got into the Scrabble set and ate a fair few pieces.
I've taken him to the vet for help but no word yet.

 

[oldfart]

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing...but not at a funeral.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My wife and her sister fell out on a holiday trip…
......the rest of the balloon flight was, however, peaceful!

 

[andys]

Teacher: Can anyone use the word 'contagious' in a sentence?
Billy: Our neighbour's been painting the house all week. It's taking the contagious!

 

[Tricky Dicky]

Text message

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite,

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

I love you.













Reply

I'm on the toilet, please advise

 

[TheBitterEnd]

I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

The popular car brand Kia has announced a new model that performs U turns unaided.......

The Kia Starmer will be available mid October, just in time for winter!

 

[legendrider]

A mate of mine was in therapy to deal with his sex addiction.

Unfortunately, he relapsed after experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Back to school for some today...........

 

[tony from suffolk]

I've decided I'm going to start looking for my birth mother.
I realise, of course, that I may never find her; but that's the risk I took when I drove her to IKEA.

 

[oldfart]

I see that the Kerch bridge piers had protective dolphins but it appears that they lacked all porpoise.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[tony from suffolk]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

‘Are you the manager?’ she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

‘Actually, no,’ he replied.

‘Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,’ she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

‘I’m afraid I can’t,’ breathed the bartender, ‘Is there anything I can do?’

‘Yes. I need you to give him a message,’ she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

‘What should I tell him?’ the bartender managed to say.

‘Tell him,’ she whispered, ‘There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies' room.’

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[GarDouth]

I’ve just heard that an oil company is going to start making fuel from insect urine.
I’m not sure but I think it’s BP.

 

[Mrs Trellis]