Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

https://www.tiktok.com/video/https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tiktok.com%2F%40graphixvault%2Fvideo%2F7537269196586044694

 

[Oceanrower]

https://www.tiktok.com/video/https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tiktok.com%2F%40graphixvault%2Fvideo%2F7537269196586044694

And there was me, expecting a joke…

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[andys]

Apparemtly, as many as one in seven of your friends has a gambling addiction. My money's on Dave.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Exit through the gift shop..............like Speedwell.

 

[hoehlenforscher]

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later, and if all goes well I will finally be out of debt for the first time in decades.

I'm so excited I can barely put my balaclava on

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I was walking down the road talking to the wife when suddenly I realised she was 50 yards behind me.
"Come on!" I shouted."I've got a stone in my shoe," she replied.
I said, "You've got 19 in the other now get a move on chubs!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[ZombieCake]

Are spaghetti hoops really alphabeti spaghetti for backing singers?

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[tony from suffolk]

A man in Tesco's this morning tried to buy half a cauliflower. The young assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some prick out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation". "We like people who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?""Glasgow, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Glasgow?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.""Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Glasgow.""You're kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?..."

 

[tony from suffolk]

A woman was trying to get onto a bus when she realized her skirt was too tight to lift her leg onto the first step.

Slightly embarrassed, she smiled at the driver and reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, hoping it would give her enough slack. She tried the step—but still couldn’t get her leg up.

A bit more flustered, she unzipped a little more and tried again. No luck. Once more, she smiled at the driver, unzipped a bit further, and still failed to climb the step.

By now, a large man standing behind her simply picked her up by the waist and placed her gently on the bus step.

She turned on him, furious. “How dare you touch me! I don’t even know who you are!”

The man grinned and drawled, “Well, normally I’d agree with you… but after you unzipped my fly three times, I figured we were friends.”

 

[andys]

 

[Fulk]

As a septuagenarian (damn near an octogenarian) I can confirm that that's not a joke – it's true.

 

[Maj]

The worst part about slapping a disobedient child in the supermarket is having absolutely no idea whose child it is.

 

[Mrs Trellis]