Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[hoehlenforscher]

I just held the door open for a clown.

Thought it was a nice jester.

 

[Cantclimbtom]

As a septuagenarian (damn near an octogenarian) I can confirm that that's not a joke – it's true.

As a mere pentagenarian, I'm finding this affect on me already.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

While my wife was out shopping I was flicking through the tv channels and came across a Man United game.
I was dozing off when I heard her opening the front door. To cover my embarrassment I quickly switched to a porn channel and stripped off.
Phew!

 

[andys]

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like its going out of fashion - no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30. I crap like its going out of fashion - no problem at all."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So just what is it that's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[pwhole]

We just watched a guy that old almost do that in a church car park (for a funeral!) - he's still driving at 95, as his mate proudly told me

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

"Doctor - my hands are shaking"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"No - I spill most of it".

 

[oldfart]

It's not so bad having a split personality, so long as the other one does the house work.

 

[oldfart]

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw a surprise housewarming.
Now I'm homeless.

 

[oldfart]

Therapist: I need you to write letters to all the people that have wronged you, and then throw them into the fire.
Me: okay, but then what do I do with the letters?

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I bumped into a beautiful woman this morning and she asked me for my phone number…Then my insurance details!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[andys]

Derry/Londonderry (2013), Hull (2017) and Coventry (2021) have all been UK City of Culture. But Bradford (2025) is the first to have been grown in a petri dish!

 

[legendrider]

Mandelson / Epstein scandal - time to unseal the Peter Files!

 

[TheBitterEnd]

I was surprised to learn that Tennessee Williams only died in 1983 meaning he could have met Serena and Venus, the other tennisy Williams

 

[tony from suffolk]

I called into the local Waterstones asking for an electronic version of Prince Harry’s latest book.

"Is that a PDF file?"

"No, that’s his uncle".