Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

Surely that should read "bagpipes" not banjos.

 

[RobinGriffiths]

....

What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?


You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

I think it was Malcolm Sargent who said
A good musician is someone who knows how to play the bagpipes and doesn't

 

[Robert Scott]

I think it was Malcolm Sargent who said
A good musician is someone who knows how to play the bagpipes and doesn't

A gentleman is a man who knows how to play an accordian but refrains from doing so.

 

[alanw]

Why is a viola better than a violin?"

.
.
.

"The viola burns longer."

-- Victor Borge

 

[andys]

Whats the difference between a banjo and a south-american macaw? One is loud and obnoxious and the other is a bird.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Tommy - "Madam, you have a beautiful thing between your legs and all you do is sit and scratch it."

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Right you lot - no more culture - back to corn.

 

[wormster]

Tommy - "Madam, you have a beautiful thing between your legs and all you do is sit and scratch it."

I heard this from a lady cellist in the BBC Orchestra, Just after the conducor had used hose words to lambast her during a rehersal!

 

[Robert Scott]

I heard this from a lady cellist in the BBC Orchestra, Just after the conducor had used hose words to lambast her during a rehersal!

Allegedly the "Tommy" was Sir Thomas Beecham (1879 – 1961)

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Another Tommyism - "Second trumpet is flat" First trumpet "Sorry Mr. Beecham - he's not come yet" Tommy "Well, when he does, tell him he's flat".
He also wrote a jingle for the family firm to the tune of Hark the Herald Angels sing
"Hark the Herald Angels sing, Beecham's pills are just the thing, peace on earth and mercy mild, two for an adult one for a child".

 

[tony from suffolk]

A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

‘Quick,’ said the woman to her lover, ‘Into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

‘Who are you?’ he asked him.

‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.

‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.

‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.

‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards!’

 

[hoehlenforscher]

I had a beer whilst watching Star Wars last night,
Only one peroni

 

[ZombieCake]

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow?
>
>
>
> Run over!

 

[oldfart]

I just finished writing a book on avoiding falling down stairs.
It's a step by step guide.

 

[Tricky Dicky]

My doctor has told my diarrhoea is genetic which explains why its in my jeans,

 

[legendrider]

Just picked up a useful book today in Oxfam

"How to Organise a Church Fete" by Tom Bowler

 

[hoehlenforscher]

Bloke sat at the bar, dog walks in, jumps up on the stool next to him and says “will you be long? Only I’m ready for my tea”. Barman says “Bloody ell!! That’s one clever dog!!”, bloke says “clever my arse, that’s 3rd time this week he’s forgot his key”

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Good laugh today.
I shouted "Cow!" at a woman on a bike and she turned round and gave me a V.
Then she ploughed straight t into the poor cow.

 

[tony from suffolk]

“I’m not sure what happened to it” - Translation: I fiddled with it and it instantly broke beyond repair.