Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[ZombieCake]

Julius Ceasar walks into a bar.


Ceasar: "I'll have a Martinus, please."

Barman: "Martinus? Do you mean Martini?"

Ceasar: "No thanks mate. I just want the one."

 

[hyweldavies]

A true story from a workmate in Australia. He'd been brought up on a farm and one day there was a blacksnake (a quite seriously venomous snake) in his parents' bedroom. His dad went to fetch his shotgun to deal with the thing, but managed to miss with both barrels. He did however blast a hole in the wardrobe ... and his best suit! He then managed to break the stock of his gun trying to bash the snake.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Julius Ceasar walks into a bar.


Ceasar: "I'll have a Martinus, please."

Barman: "Martinus? Do you mean Martini?"

Ceasar: "No thanks mate. I just want the one."

Try asking for a panino in the UK - or for two cappuccini.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Whenever I'm bored I always end up having a wank...
..........It also means my neighbour doesn't show me his holiday photos anymore!

 

[andys]

We've just heard the news that my grandpa has developed an addiction to viagra. No one is taking it harder than grandma.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I just walked out from the bathroom in the morning, bursting with pride with the size of the dump I just had.
"Go and have a look of the size of that turd I have just done" I said to the wife. "No way, I don't want to look at that, it's stinks in there"
"Please just go in and have a quick look, it's a good two pounder" I said.
After several minutes of pleading with her, she finally agrees to have a look.
She dashes in pinching her nose & runs back out saying"there's nothing there, you must have flushed it away"
"No, no" I said "it's on the scales"

Coat!

 

[GarDouth]

I got attacked by 3 blokes last night but managed to knock one out.
Probably wasn't the best time for a wank but it could have been my last.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[pwhole]

Indeed - we had to wait two hours to get serviced in our AirBnB last week, and when he finally turned up he didn't even get his wrench out.

 

[hyweldavies]

“I’m not sure what happened to it” - Translation: I fiddled with it and it instantly broke beyond repair.

We had a lot of that working in IT. "It doesn't work anymore ... but I haven't changed anything!"

 

[ZombieCake]

A mobius strip walks into a bar.
The barman says, "You look a bit down. What's up mate?"
The mobius strip says, "Where do I begin?"

 

[Maj]

I'm trying to find a professional Hide-n-Seek player.

But I can't find one.

 

[GarDouth]

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?
Ten tickles.
Of course, it only has 8 of those so the first two were test tickles.

 

[oldfart]

A mobius strip walks into a bar.
The barman says, "You look a bit down. What's up mate?"
The mobius strip says, "Where do I begin?"

Give him a Klein bottle of beer to drown his sorrows.

 

[alanw]

Give him a Klein bottle of beer to drown his sorrows.

https://www.kleinbottle.com/

 

[Mrs Trellis]