Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[tony from suffolk]

I've just been hit on the side of my head with cream-filled choux pastry balls. Damn this poor profiterole vision!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I've got my wife a pug for an early Christmas present.
Even with the squashed nose, bulging eyes, and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[oldfart]

The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming by and dumping things into it.

 

[tony from suffolk]

An engineer dies, and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort down there, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God rings down and asks Satan "So, how's it going down there?" Satan replies
"Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him back up here!" Satan says "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him". God says “Send him back up here or I'll sue". "Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are vou going to find a lawyer?"

 

[ZombieCake]

If oxygen and potassium are dating that's OK.
But oxygen and magnesium?!
Together?!!
OMg!!!

 

[Fulk]

And if oxygen, sodium and nitrogen were having a three-some, would they be indulging in ONaNism?

 

[RobinGriffiths]

If not going anywhere near Scandium and Astatine, dirty so and sos.

 

[Brains]

I would tell you one about sodium bromine and oxygen, but then I thought Na-BrO, they won't get it...

 

[Mrs Trellis]

The patron saint of playgrounds is St. Francis of a seesaw.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

3 men die on Christmas Eve and to get into heaven. St. Peter says"you must have something on you that represents Christmas"
The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says "it's a candle", St. Peter lets him pass.
The Welsh man jingles his keys and says "they're sleigh bells", St. Peter lets him pass.
The Irish man pulls out a G string and bra.
St. Peter says "how do they represent Christmas?".........Paddy says "they're Carols"

 

[topcat]

She was wondering where those were.....

 

[oldfart]

If oxygen and potassium are dating that's OK.
But oxygen and magnesium?!
Together?!!
OMg!!!

Sodium and Nitrogen will never be a number. NaN

 

[Tricky Dicky]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I took my son to see Santa today, but when I put him on his lap he started crying.
"What's up?", I said.
"It's this job mate, I absolutely hate it".

 

[TheBitterEnd]

Something I learned from last Christmas ...

If you need a new tin opener, just buy one, don't give one to your wife for Christmas

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[Maj]

Something I learned from last Christmas ...

If you need a new tin opener, just buy one, don't give one to your wife for Christmas

But if you do need to buy a new can opener, buy one that will open 204,574ml cans.