Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[hyweldavies]

But if you do need to buy a new can opener, buy one that will open 204,574ml cans.

As Crocodile Dundee might have said "That's not a can-opener. THIS is a can opener"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[ZombieCake]

Santa actually has to use rocket boosters in addition to the magic reindeer to enable all the presents are delivered on Christmas Eve. Santa uses a carefully measured mix of oxygen and hydrogen to keep the speed up.
Being somewhat advanced in years Santa likes to continually repeat the formula just to make sure it's always correct and everyone gets their presents in time.
"HO HO HO"


I'll get my coat...

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[andys]

All the doors in the local hospital say "Push" on them. Well, all of them apart from the one to Maternity, which says "Push, Push, Push."

 

[TheBitterEnd]

During the Covid lock downs the police could come round to your house and make visitors go home.

Does anyone know if this service is still available over the Christmas period?

And do you have to book?

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[tony from suffolk]

My children wanted a traditional Victorian Christmas, so I've given them a 90-hour working week and rickets.

 

[andys]

 

[tony from suffolk]

 

[hoehlenforscher]

Tampax have announced that they are replacing all the strings on their tampons with tinsel. A spokesman for the company was quick to point out that it was not a permanent change, but just for the Christmas period.

 

[andys]

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[cavingbiker]

View attachment 24717

What! no blue ones?

 

[Mrs Trellis]

What! no blue ones?

I can get mine over the counter.

 

[andys]

I can get mine over the counter.

Don't you need to take two to get it right over though?

 

[tony from suffolk]

Ian Fleming's original James Bond novels haven't aged well. For example, Moonraker, published 70 years ago in April 1955, features a villain who's a super-rich industrialist & rocket-maker seeking to cause chaos because he's a secret Nazi.
Such a silly idea…

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My mate told me he was going on holiday for a fortnight so I asked him to bring me 800 cigs back.
When he got back he gave me the cigs and I asked him how much I owed him.
He said, "£600."
"f*** me! Where you been?" I asked."Great Yarmouth," he replied.

 

[legendrider]

A contestant on "Mr and Mrs" was asked if he had any pet names for his wife

"Bubbles" he said

Why "Bubbles"? asked the host

"Because she keeps forgetting her handkerchief"