Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

https://twitter.com/x/status/2000469247655330047

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[tony from suffolk]

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

“Follow me, son.” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”

And they did.

“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”

And they did.

“Now we eat everybody.”

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”

His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside”

 

[Tricky Dicky]

Given the discussions on caving string:

I caught my sister tying up her boyfriend with thin rope again during yesterdays bondage session.


She's just added another string to her beau......................

 

[ZombieCake]

I can't believe it's 13 weeks till Pancake Day and the shops are selling flour and eggs already!!

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[andys]

And we end the year with news that exaggerations went up by over 5000% during the last twelve months.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My new washing machine has a 'sarcastic' setting.

It takes the piss out of my underpants.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Evri said they'd delivered my parcel but........anyone know where this is?

 

[tony from suffolk]

We were so poor growing up that my mum went around and closed all the doors on Christmas Eve, so that we'd have something to open on Christmas Day.

 

[tony from suffolk]

My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a "GO VEGAN" t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far, he's
been spat on, punched and had a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

It used to be a Christmas tradition for our whole family to go down to the pub, come home after a few hours and deck the Halls.
To be honest, I'm surprised the Halls carried on living next door for as long as they did.

 

[tony from suffolk]

I've been left fevered and shaking after hearing 'A Fairy Tale In New York' for the 16th time today.
I think I've got Pogues-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

 

[tony from suffolk]

Home security reminder. Many people are going away for Christmas, which makes their homes easy targets for burglars.
For security reasons, I strongly recommend leaving one of your children behind to construct a series of elaborate booby traps and defend your
interests.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Anyone know where I can get some Christmas wrapping paper 40ft long x 2 inches wide?

Just bought my wife a new washing line for Christmas.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Did you know, in Iceland, it's illegal to have sex on Christmas Eve and you will be arrested if caught?
Not sure about Tesco or ASDA, but please ask before trying.

 

[andys]

I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come... Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I didn't know he'd moved to Evri

 

[cavingbiker]

I didn't know he'd moved to Evri

I suspect he is delivering the package to the correct house after Evri had just abandoned it in a random place.