Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
- Thread starter Mrs Trellis
- Start date
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
Talk is cheap.
Life is cheap.
Death is cheap.
(- excerpt from 'Learn to Speak Canary')
Life is cheap.
Death is cheap.
(- excerpt from 'Learn to Speak Canary')
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
There might be a typo in the letter I got from the bowel health clinic. Either that or they want me to send them a ship in a bottle.
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood that couldn’t be found locally, the call went out.
Finally, a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman, who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Cadbury chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money … but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.”
To this, the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now!”
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood that couldn’t be found locally, the call went out.
Finally, a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman, who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Cadbury chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money … but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.”
To this, the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now!”
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
When our two pet monkeys died we decided to have them stuffed.
"Do you want them mounting?" asked the taxidermist
"Just shaking hands will do" we said.
"Do you want them mounting?" asked the taxidermist
"Just shaking hands will do" we said.
TheBitterEnd
Well-known member
Maj
Well-known member
5.3K views · 51 reactions | BREAKING: Wales Enters the Olympics… on Four Hooves Team Wales has officially unveiled its newest Olympic bobsled squad — and it’s one the sporting world did not see coming. Representing the red dragon this winter are fo
BREAKING: Wales Enters the Olympics… on Four Hooves Team Wales has officially unveiled its newest Olympic bobsled squad — and it’s one the sporting world did not see coming. Representing the red...
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tony from suffolk
Well-known member
Drummond’s Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign with petitions and prayers to block the bar from expanding.
Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar, and it burned to the ground! After it was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “The Power of Prayer”, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.
The judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing, he commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not.”
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign with petitions and prayers to block the bar from expanding.
Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar, and it burned to the ground! After it was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “The Power of Prayer”, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.
The judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing, he commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not.”
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
Ms. Smith saw one of her students making faces at others on the playground & stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces I would get stuck like that." Little Johnny replied, "Well, you can't say you weren't warned."
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
"I’ve made the chicken soup for dinner."
"Thank God for that! I thought you were expecting me to eat it."
"Thank God for that! I thought you were expecting me to eat it."
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. Insults, then, had some class!
1. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
Bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, I will attend the second...If there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.
2. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
5. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
6."Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..."
- Oscar Wilde
9. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
10."He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
11. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
12. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
13. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
14. "To avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
15. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker
16. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
17. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
18. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
19. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
20. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
21. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.
22."He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
1. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
Bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, I will attend the second...If there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.
2. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
5. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
6."Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..."
- Oscar Wilde
9. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
10."He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
11. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
12. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
13. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
14. "To avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
15. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker
16. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
17. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
18. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
19. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
20. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
21. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.
22."He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
alanw
Well-known member
Churchill again (allegedly)
“I should think it was hardly possible to state the opposite of the truth with more precision"
Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.
Winston Churchill: Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.
“I should think it was hardly possible to state the opposite of the truth with more precision"
Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.
Winston Churchill: Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
"Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink.
As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked,
“So how many have you caught today?”The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked,
“So how many have you caught today?”The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
TheBitterEnd
Well-known member
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
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