Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

The price of petrol is so high now, I put vodka in the lawnmower and now the grass is half cut.

 

[ZombieCake]

"Why were we referring to storm Dave? Surely we should call it by its proper name, storm Rodney"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He eats a few and asks her why she isn't having any herself.
"Oh they're too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn't."
"Why did you buy them all then?" wonders the driver.
"I just love the chocolate they're covered in!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she shouted.” I’m so wet, give it to me now!”
She could yell all she liked, no way I wasn’t handing over the umbrella.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Grand National tips:-
V Neck: Good jumper
Dusty Carpet: Never been beaten
Ronseal: Good over fences
Snotty nose: Runs well
Lunchtime: 12-1

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A little old lady arrives at the Pearly Gates and while being booked in she hears blood-curdling screams coming from behind St. Peter.
"Good heavens - what's that?" she asks nervously -
St. Peter replies " It's just some newbies having holes drilled for their wings"
More blood-curdling screams - "and now they're having holes drilled for their haloes"
"I wish I'd gone to the other place" replies the old lady
"You'd hate it there" says St. Peter, "you'd be raped and sodomized down there" says St. Peter
"Perhaps - " says the old lady "but I've already got the holes for that".

 

[tony from suffolk]

The police knocked on my door and asked me, “Are you familiar with the letters GP?”
“No,” I said.
“What about KE?”
“Also no.”
“RM?”
I was getting a bit impatient, so I asked: “Am I a suspect or something?”
“No, sir. These are just our initial enquiries.”

 

[Mrs Trellis]

NASA are facing criticism over their successful Artemis II mission after it was revealed that the cost of the 9 day voyage was approximately £4 billion.
Some experts have pointed out that for the same money they could have stayed at Center Parcs for two weeks instead!

 

[RobinGriffiths]

That same money could have also been spent on 2 day's worth of military deployment against Iran.

Oo, little bit of politics there.

 

[tony from suffolk]

I won't name the hotel involved, but their check-out procedure was heavily criticised by the Eagles on TripAdvisor.

 

[Tricky Dicky]

He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy...............

 

[tony from suffolk]

"My uncle Dave died yesterday."
"I'm so sorry mate, how old was he?"
"Bixtyneven"
"That's no age, is it?"

 

[tony from suffolk]

NASA are facing criticism over their successful Artemis II mission after it was revealed that the cost of the 9-day voyage was approximately £4 billion.
Some experts have pointed out that for the same money they could have stayed at Center Parcs for two weeks instead.

 

[RobinGriffiths]

You don't get to play the zero g toilet game in Centre Parcs though. Well, not the Sherwood one anyway.