Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Tricky Dicky]

Well it's that time of year the ants start coming in and climbing up the kitchen units. So I'm using the old trick of putting some milk in a bowl outside as it's known to have a detrimental effect on reproduction where baby ants are born without toes, so stopping them climbing. This is known as "lack toes in toddler ants".

 

[Mr Dinwiddy]

Heard this on the radio today:
Which one of the spice girls can carry the most water?

Geri can.

 

[ZombieCake]

A man and wife both agree to dress up as each others favourite Star Wars character for some sexy Star Wars day fun!
The woman does her hair with a couple of donuts and then puts on her Princess Leia outfit and walks up to the bedroom.
She opens the door and is in complete shock!
"Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character!" she says.
"F**k off!" he shouts "I haven't got dressed yet!"

 

[Tricky Dicky]

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

............................an investigator

 

[TheBitterEnd]

My girlfriend just dumped me. She said in a teary tirade: “I can’t take your sh1t any more. You’re so pedantic. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you.

I’m leaving now.
Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was about to close the door when I yelled “No, no….waaait”

She turned back, tears in her eyes, a glimmer of hope still remained.
That was when I uttered those three magic words. “Gary and I”

 

[tony from suffolk]

I made my girlfriend's dreams come true and married her in a castle.

You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around.

 

[tony from suffolk]

When you die, people beg for you to come back.

But when you do, there’s the panic and the screaming…

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[Brains]

As it is actually Friday...

What is the difference between an orphan and a pyramid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Pyramids have mummies....

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[tony from suffolk]

'Do you know Bach's "Sheep May Safely Graze?"
"Only the first couple of baas".

 

[alanw]

'"Sheep May Safely Graze" at Gaping Gill as I climb to the moortop to get some signal.

 

[tony from suffolk]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[tony from suffolk]

They said I couldn’t make a witty pun about vegetables.

But that’s not nececelery true.

 

[tony from suffolk]

I believe a lot of conflict in the wild west could have been avoided if cowboy architects had just made the town big enough for everybody.

 

[ZombieCake]

Doctor: Well, it looks like you'll be eating for two now.
Lady: I'm pregnant!
Doctor: No, a tapeworm.

 

[tony from suffolk]

Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home has a calming effect on the brain.

Must be all the indoor fins.

 

[tony from suffolk]

“Angus: You were asked to write a brief paragraph about Deuteronomy. I’m not sure “Ronald Smith and I stopped a runaway baby buggy. A woman watching said a nasty accident was averted, all due to Ron and me” is the correct biblical reference.”