Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[tony from suffolk]

Granddad’s in a home now. Amazing, isn’t it? - 89 years old and he’s still an active burglar.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A woman goes into a chemist and says "Excuse me, do you sell extra large condoms?"
"Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
"No, but do you mind if I wait around until someone does?"

 

[tony from suffolk]

Every fortune teller I've met either lacks confidence or is over-ambitious - seems it's hard to find a happy medium.

 

[tony from suffolk]

A photographer went to a socialite party in New York.
As he entered the front door, the host said 'I love your pictures - they're wonderful; you must have a fantastic camera!”
He said nothing until dinner was finished, then: "That was a wonderful dinner; you must have a terrific stove."

 

[tony from suffolk]

I was in the laundry aisle in the supermarket. There was a chap carefully arranging detergent boxes on a shelf. A woman marched up to him and poked him angrily in the chest.
“You liar” she said. “You told me you were in the Red Arrows.”
“No I didn’t” he replied. “I said I was in the Ariel display team.”

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[ZombieCake]

The AI Therapist 3000:
Have you tried turning your emotions off and on again?

 

[tony from suffolk]

The local Parent-Teacher Association didn't really think this one through...

 

[pwhole]

Does this mean that 'eat ice cream' now also becomes a euphemism? At least we were here when it began!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Does this mean that 'eat ice cream' now also becomes a euphemism? At least we were here when it began!

It's the unseasonably cold weather.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Before little Jimmy's first day at school his dad said "no more baby language like choo-choo train - you're a big lad now"
When Jimmy came home his dad asked him what he'd done at school
"We read a book called Winnie the Shit"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Three whores living together: a grandmother, mother and daughter. One night the daughter came home looking very upset.
"How did you get on tonight dear?" asked her mother."Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got £20 for a blow job."
"Wow," says the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50p.""Good God," said the grandmother.
"In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs."

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A man arrives back from a long business trip and finds that his son has a brand new mountain bike.
"How did you get that, son?""By walking.""Walking?""That's right" says the boy.
"Every night whilst you were away Mum's friend from work came over and mum gave me £20 to do a long walk."

 

[Maj]

I grilled a chicken at lunchtime.

Still wouldn't tell me why he crossed the road.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[ZombieCake]

Maths exam question:
Geoffrey is 73. His girlfriend Stephanie is 23. Calculate to the nearest pound how much money Geoffrey has.

 

[tony from suffolk]

A Buddhist approaches a hot dog vendor, is asked what he wants and replies:

"Make me One with Everything" and hands over a 20 dollar bill.

Receives his fully-loaded dog, then stands for what becomes an uncomfortably long time before asking "What about the change?"
Hot dog vendor smiles and replies "Change comes only from within..."

 

[tony from suffolk]

"Hello, good evening, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"


"No. Wait...Dracula?"


"Yes!"


"You're vampires?"


"Yes. We have pamphlets."


"Vampires have missionaries?"


"Where else would new vampires come from?"


"I assumed you just went around biting people."


"There are many hurtful stereotypes. May we come in?"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I was digging a hole in the back garden and I came across what looked like really old Roman coins.
I cleaned one up and it was actually gold.
I ran in the house to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place