Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[tony from suffolk]

How to fall asleep in a chair -
1. Be old.
2. Sit in a chair.

 

[tony from suffolk]

A Canadian and a Kiwi were hunting in the Canadian woods when an Australian runs across the field and the Canadian shoots him in the back and kills him.

“You can’t do that!” cried the Kiwi.

“No, no, it’s legal here in Canada ” replies the Canadian.

Later that night the Kiwi goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door. Just then an Australian runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.

The Kiwi thinks “No worries mate” and he shoots him in the back and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.

“But I thought it was legal to shoot Australians here in Canada?” protests the Kiwi.

“Well yeah,” says the cop, “but you can’t use bait.”

 

[hoehlenforscher]

I was digging a hole in the back garden and I came across what looked like really old Roman coins.
I cleaned one up and it was actually gold.
I ran in the house to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place

Reminds me of....

I spent an hour at my wifes grave yesterday.
Bless her, She thinks i'm digging a pond

 

[Boy Engineer]

Seeing the thread elsewhere on the site about expeditions, I wondered where one could go (metaphorically at least) when one had reached the Loser Plateau. Slough of Despond?
It reminded me of the little lad at school, being asked for his address. “I think we are moving” he said. “Dad says we’ll soon be in Sh1t Street the way things are going”.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

Never Challenge Death to a Pillow Fight.

Unless you're prepared for the Reaper Cushions.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

Despite setting up a business using my lathe to make religious figures out of wood I still haven’t managed to turn a prophet.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Don't buy loafers from Temu..................

 

[Mrs Trellis]

These so-called 'foodbanks' are a total rip-off.
I deposited some cake at my local one last week, and when I went to take it out today they said they'd given it away to someone else.
Unbelievable.

 

[tony from suffolk]

I just bought my co-worker a 'Get Better Soon’ card. They're not sick. I just think they could do better.

 

[tony from suffolk]

Dear people who type in all lowercase,

We are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Sincerely,
Capital Letters.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[tony from suffolk]

Optician: "Your results aren't good".
"Can I see them?"
"Probably not".

 

[Mrs Trellis]

How to fall asleep in a chair -
1. Be old.
2. Sit in a chair.

In Cyprus seven chairs is the thing.........

 

[tony from suffolk]

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

The dead bastard had a twin.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[ZombieCake]

Priest: "Dearly beloved, we are at the stage of commemorating the memory of the departed where I now invite members of the congregation to say a few words in memoriam.
Congregation Member: "I'm vegan!"