Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[ZombieCake]

Film Studies exam questions:
1 "My name is..." (spy thriller series played by multiple actors) you have 1 minute to answer the question.
2 "My name is..." (Roman saga) you have 6 hours to answer the question.

 

[Oceanrower]

Film Studies exam questions:
1 "My name is..." (spy thriller series played by multiple actors) you have 1 minute to answer the question.
2 "My name is..." (Roman saga) you have 6 hours to answer the question.

Nope. Don’t get it…

 

[RobinGriffiths]

Compare ...

Spoiler: 1

Bond, James Bond

with ...

Spoiler: 2

Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next. Gladiator

 

[RobinGriffiths]

Which reminds me. Barry Cryer said that explaning jokes is pointless and is like disecting a frog because:

Nobody laughs, and the frog dies

 

[RobinGriffiths]

Talking about Barry Cryer, here's his one about the parrot...


A woman walks past a petshop and sees a magnificent parrot in the window.
She rushes inside and says, 'How much for the parrot?'
'£5,' says the shopkeeper.
'Only £5? I've got to have it,' says the woman. 'Why's it so cheap?'
'Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel,' said the shopkeeper. 'And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary.'
'Never mind,' says the woman. 'At that price, I'll take it.'
So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.
'New place - very nice,' says the parrot.
Then the woman's two daughters walk in.
'New place, new girls - very nice,' says the parrot.
Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, 'Oh hello, Keith!'

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[tony from suffolk]

The British Military writes EPR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

 

[spelfish]

When I first heard it (directed at me) I thought 'You are so fucking stupid, you are depriving a village of an idiot!' was wonderful. A few months later I returned to Sandhurst and realised it was merely one of the many insults used to keep young gentlemen in their places.

I still like the report that went "this officer always pulls doors marked 'push'"
Fortunately not my report...

 

[tony from suffolk]

I always liked - “Intelligent thoughts have always followed him, but he was faster”, and “Has always wobbled on a shoddy foundation of self-delusion”

 

[spelfish]

More simplistically, when I was writing reports about junior officers, I'd always seek an opinion from my sergeant major. He had a simple grading system: (1) not too bad [very high praise]. (2) bit of an arse [better than average]. (3) arsehole [about average]. (4) complete arsehole [below average but not beyond redemption]. He told me he had lower grades that used different orifices but fortunately I never had to explore these bits of anatomy.

 

[tony from suffolk]

“Can you think of a synonym for ‘feelers’?”
“They’re antennae.”
“Come on, there must be one.”

 

[hyweldavies]

I like the job testimonial

"you'll be very lucky if you can get this man to work for you so waste no time in making him a job offer"

"he can do the work of two men: Laurel and Hardy"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

We tried the new pop-up restaurant last night. It was disappointing.
All they had was toast.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

"Kiss me Arday"

 

[hoehlenforscher]

I got offered a job yesterday cleaning mirrors, but I just can't see myself doing it!

 

[Roger W]

Oh gosh, another of these Transylvanian immigrant workers.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

unimpressed by the eclipse? Here's why...................

 

[langcliffe]

unimpressed by the eclipse? Here's why...................

I have a pair going cheap, if anybody is interested. Only used once.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I have a pair going cheap, if anybody is interested. Only used once.

Save them for the next one .....it'll be here sooner than the bus.