Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[wallop]

2 drunk Irishmen walking home from the Pub, pissed out of there heads, walking past a church yard one guy says “Hey, to be sure that guy there was 121 when he died” pointing at a grave stone.

“ay what was his name?” says the other guy,

“Miles”!

Where was he from “Dublin”





121 Miles from Dublin :!: :!: :!:

 

[tubby two]

Three blokes, an italian, a frenchie and an ozzie, sat in a bar comparing notes on how they keep their ladies satisfied, italian fella says 'ah, when i av finished making ze love to ze girlfriend i tickle the back of her knees wiz ma tongue, and she float six inches above ze bed in pure ecstacy!', then the frenchie pipes up, 'when i have finished making sweet, sweet lurrve to my beautiful wife i kiss her all the way from her head to her toes, and she floats 18inches above the bed in purest ecstacy...' next the ozzie fella starts up, 'thats nawt fellas, when i've finished shaggin me sheila, a get up, go over to the window and wipe me knob on the curtains- and she hits the fuckin roof!'

tt.

 

[Brains]

Possibly not a PC joke?...

Three blokes sitting in a pub talking about their wives. First one says, My wife is like a Swan, beautiful serene and placid to look at but she has huge hidden strengths and there is lots going on under the sureface.
Second bloke has a pull of his pint and says, my lady is like an eagle. Beautiful, powerful, never misses a thing, can go all day effortlessly. Amazing woman.
Third bloke has a drink and sits back. Well guys, I know you wives and I have to agree with you. My wife however is more like a Thrush though. She is just an irritating c***!

 

[wormster]

Queen Farts and Laughs.
Monday, 4pm: The Queen was observed laughing loudly and fanning air away from herself after inadvertently letting a massive fart rip out.
"We are glad that's out" said Her Majesty, before laughing again and shaking her head.
"Well spoken!" said her mate Johnno, who was nearby.
"f*** me, that's rotten" Johnno added a short time later.
Royal insiders told how the Queen often farts, especially after a meal of Heinz Chilli Beans, but said she usually blamed it on the dog.
"Christ, that had staying power" said Johnno, 10 minutes after the incident.
The Queen later refuted an allegation from Johnno that something had crawled up her arse and died.

 

[danthecavingman]

A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL
WHEN, DURING HER TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS
MASTURBATING.

OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY
IS HE DOING THAT?"

THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM VERY SORRY, BUT
THIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TESTICLES RAPIDLY REFILL WITH
SEMEN.

IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, THEY'LL EXPLODE AND HE'LL DIE
WITHIN MINUTES."

"OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE
WOMAN.

IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A FEMALE NURSE WAS PERFORMING
ORAL SEX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT. AGAIN THE WOMAN SCREAMED, "OH MY
GOD! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?"

THE DOCTOR REPLIED..."SAME ILLNESS, BUT HE'S WITH BUPA."

 

[Cave_Troll]

A lion, a bear and a chicken sitting in a pub discussing which one of them was the hardest, meanest mother around.
The bear say "when i growl, the entire forest runs for cover"
"thats nothing," says the lion "When I roar, everything on the plains of Africa shakes with fear"
The chicken thinks for a while and says "thats nothing, I only have to sneeze and the whole world shits itself"

 

[gus horsley]

There's a bus full of nuns travelling up the M1 that gets involved in a pile-up and everyone's killed. The nuns go up to Heaven and gather outside the Pearly Gates. St Peter says: "Ok, can you form an orderly line please?" So the nuns form a line, and up steps the first one.

St Peter says, "Before you can enter the Kingdom of Heaven you must tell me if you have had carnal knowledge with a man."

"Yes" says the first nun, "I once saw a man's penis."

St Peter says, "You can enter the Kingdom of heaven, but first you must bathe your eyes in the holy water", and he points to a basin.

He asks the same question of the second nun, who replies "Yes, I once touched a man's penis."

St Peter says, "You must wash your hands in the holy water."

Just then a scuffle breaks out further back in the line. St Peter asks what is going on and voice shouts, "Do you mind if I gargle before Sister Mary puts her arse in the font?!"

 

[tubby two]

Like this one...

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"



tt.

 

[graham]

A professor was due to give a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to a group of first year students. Realising that as a topic it is less than rivetting, he decides to get their attention from the start.

He points at a girl in the first row and says"Do you know what your arsehole is doing when you are having an orgasm?"

She replies "He is probably in a bar with his mates."

 

[Wolfart]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to
> have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the
> local brothel. The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and
> whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an
> inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not
> wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." The
> manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take
> care of their business.
> As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my
> girl was dead!"
> Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"
> Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
> His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."
> A witch, why would you say that?
> Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave
> her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window.
>

 

[Mr Fell]

That was a good one !

 

[ian mckenzie]

> As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!">

I heard a different punchline:
"No, she was probably English"... but the joke was told by a Frenchman.

 

[Ship-badger]

A man has been ill for some time, and has had tests, and is now at the doctors for the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news" says the doctor. "You have an inoperable brain tumour, and have only a few months left to live".

The man is utterly devastated, and breaks down in the doctor's surgery. For about ten minutes he is inconsolable, but eventually the doctor manages to calm him down a little.

"So doctor" he asks, "where do we go from here?".

"What I would advise" says the doctor, "is that you take as many mud-baths as you can".

"Will that cure me?" asks the man.

"No" says the doctor, "but it will get you used to being buried!".

 

[kay]

This is an old one, but ...


A man has been ill for some time, has had tests and is now at the doctor's for the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you. You only have a few months to live"

"Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?"

"You can avoid all fatty and spicy food. Don't touch alcohol. Give up tea and coffee and drink only water. Avoid chocolate and anything with sugar in. Go to bed at 10.00 each night and don't do anything that gets you in the least bit excited. And don't even think about caving"

"Will that make me live longer?"

"No ... but it will seem longer"

 

[wormster]

I know its sunday, another one from our royal corespondant:

Saturday, 1pm: Following the purchase of a new Kenwood fridge, the Queen's old Arriston was relocated to the garage and renamed "The Beerfridge" in a solemn ceremony attended by two of the Queen's mates.
The ritual moving of the fridge was performed smoothly, except for Bluey the mongrel dog chewing on Johnno's shoe during a heavy lift. Once in the garage, Her Majesty turfed the vege crisper drawers into the wheelybin to make more room for tinnies.

"We are pleased to open this Beerfridge" announced the Queen as she cut the ribbon. "May it keep our Stella's cold, seal poorly and grow a massive iceberg in the freezer".
"It's a beautiful thing" said Johnno.
Royal sources say the Queen plans to have a case of stella in the fridge for most of the year, except during Christmas when she will shove 600 tinnies, a kilo of prawns and a ham into the bastard.

 

[danthecavingman]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

 

[tubby two]

This blind bloke walks into a pub, finds his way to the bar, sits down and orders a pint. Chatting away as he sups his pint he tells the barman he has this brilliant blonde joke, and would he like to hear it? At this point the barman stops him and says, " wait up, you should know something here, sat next to you is a 6'2 blonde woman who is also the national heavyweight boxing champ, and next to her is the county judo champ, also blonde. the two over there in the corner are both blondes and wrestling partners, and the lady over there is 6'4 weightlifter, blonde too. Now, tell me- are you sure you still want to tell this joke?"
The fella thinks about it for a moment then says, "nah, maybe not. I havent got time to explain it five times."

tt.

 

[Brendan]

An Essex girl is driving along in her new car when she crashes. The paramedic arrives.
Hello there, what's your name?'
'Sharon'
Sharon, I'm going to ask you a few questions. How many fingers am I putting up?'
'Oh my god,' shouts the Essex girl. 'I'm paralysed from the waist down!'

 

[AndyF]

This guy walks into a bar..


"Ouch, my head!" he says...

 

[gus horsley]

Three macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first one says: "You know those little pellets they leave around the house trying to poison us? I eat 'em like sweets."

The second mouse, not to be outdone, says: "Oh aye? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try and catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back. When the steel bar comes down I do bench presses with it."

The third mouse says: "You two are a couple of really tough mice, and I'd love to hang around with you here, but I've got to go and shag the cat."