Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is
everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are
breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have
just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one
pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real
pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in
pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only
two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put
it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you
know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half
of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And
God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks pass and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see,
all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.
All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could
I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a
man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that
useless tit?

….Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
 
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,

"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal,

Paddy shakes his head and says, Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,

"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,

den Seamus parrotshooting...

and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
 
danthecavingman said:
….Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
Click to expand...

this reminds me of a true story. my caving mate and his long suffering girlfriend were driving us back from the pub. we were tanked...

He says, "my perfect woman has two tits on the front and one on her back."

She replied, quick as flash. "I've had a tit on my back for years..."
 
Surely that should be 6 legs?.....

Anyway, what is the difference between a magicians wand and a policemans truncheon?

One is used for cunning stunts....




Or...
What has got 5 legs and goes woof?

Piper Alpha
 
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example, If she is
ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a
man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while
he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been cancelled...
 
Another one from our royal corespondant:

Tuesday 10am: "Cut the smokes, cut the booze, and lose the beergut."
This was the advice given to Queen Elizabeth II during her recent visit to the doctor. The GP told Her Majesty that a change of lifestyle was needed if she still wanted to be Queen in 2010. After hearing of her 4 pack a day habit and weekly consumption of 8 cases of stella, the doctor said she was in the "extremely high risk" category. He then paused and added "I don't know how it is you are still alive".

The Queen, who drank from a longneck and chain smoked throughout the checkup, asked how the hell she could possibly give up nicotine and stella- her main reasons for living. "We'd feel fucking stupid watching the footy without a beer or a smoke. But We suppose We should give it a go
 
wormster said:
Another one from our royal corespondant:

Tuesday 10am: "Cut the smokes, cut the booze, and lose the beergut."
This was the advice given to Queen Elizabeth II during her recent visit to the doctor. The GP told Her Majesty that a change of lifestyle was needed if she still wanted to be Queen in 2010. After hearing of her 4 pack a day habit and weekly consumption of 8 cases of stella, the doctor said she was in the "extremely high risk" category. He then paused and added "I don't know how it is you are still alive".

The Queen, who drank from a longneck and chain smoked throughout the checkup, asked how the hell she could possibly give up nicotine and stella- her main reasons for living. "We'd feel fucking stupid watching the footy without a beer or a smoke. But We suppose We should give it a go
Click to expand...

I must be missing something here, one dint find it fucking funny.....
 
Hmmm... me neither. oh dear. Got his one though, albeit a bit old...



A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the bonnet.

"Leave it with me," says the mechanic. "Come back in 20 minutes."

So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day, and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creams – the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage.

"Oh, hello," says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.

"Hello," replies the penguin. "Was it anything serious?"

"Not really, but it looks like you've blown a seal."

"Oh no, no, no!" says the penguin, wiping his mouth. "It's just ice cream."



tt.
 
A woman accompanied her husband to the surgery for his annual check-up.
>>Afterwards the doctor called the wife in to speak with her alone. He said
>>"Your husband is suffering from a rare disease, combined with horrible
>>stress. If you don't do the following your husband will surely die. Each
>>morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him and make sure he
>>is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to
>>work, and for dinner prepare him an especially nice meal with all the
>>trimmings. Don't burden him with chores as this could further his stress.
>>Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
>>Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing sexy lingerie and
>>giving him plenty of massage. Encourage him to watch some kind of team
>>sporting events on the television, and most importantly make love with him
>>several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for
>>the next ten months or a year, I think your husband will regain his
>>health."
>>
>>On the way home the husband asked his wife what the doctor had to say.
>>
>>
>>
>>" YOUR GOING TO DIE " She replied :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
Surely the question should read "what is the difference between...." i.e. one is a pant in the country and the other is a c*nt in the pantry. Or am I missing something?
 
What's a "cross county" run? The Todmorden to Rochdale marathon?

Did you hear about the ship that collided with a can of red paint? Everyone got marooned.
 
Sensitive Men Do Exist.

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is
completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears
on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears,especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention
this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes
off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're
lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks,
smiling,



"Well, how was it for you?"



The guy says:



(Scroll down it's a beauty)

































"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

:roll: :lol:
 
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