Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

Using flavourless Spanish & Moroccan wintertime fresh tomatoes in ragú bolognese is pointless - you may as well use a turnip. We have both fresh and tinned San Marzano tomatoes by shopping sensibly - we use passata in a ragú anyway. Most British buy a jar of ragú rather than cook properly from scratch.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[tony from suffolk]

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[oldfart]

The best response to a flat-earther's nonsense:







If the Earth was flat, then cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

 

[andys]

I like the "Flat Earth Society's" claim that they must be right since they have members from all over the globe.

 

[andys]

I lost my dick in an accident and my wife drove me to hospital. When the doctor came he said not to worry because, these days, they can fit prosthetic ones that work just exactly like the real thing. "They come in three sizes" he said "small, medium and large but they all cost exactly the same price which is £10000. Have a chat with you wife and then I'll come back after my next patient and you can let me know what you decide."
Ten minutes later he was back and looked first to my wife and then to me. "Ah" he said "I can see that you've gone for the new kitchen instead."

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I went to a pub quiz in Glasgow once.

The first question was: “Who the f*** are you looking at?”

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Sorry ...can't get in today.....completely snowed in.......

 

[GarDouth]

I have a dog called Minton that has a habbit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton.

 

[cavingbiker]

I have a dog called Minton that has a habbit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton.

Can we have a groan button added alongside the Like button?

 

[pwhole]

You'll wonder how you ever lived without it. Get Phone Relief™ today:

 

[andys]

I can't believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in.

 

[andys]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you sell widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit...or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit...or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit."

 

[Graigwen]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you sell widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit...or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit...or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit."

A friend of my son's used to buy frozen mice from a pet shop to feed his pet snake. In order to make them attractive to the snake they require heating to normal life temperature. One day he massively over warmed the mice and they exploded inside the microwave oven - he got a lot of grief from his mother when she found the microwave interior coated with the remains of exploded mice.

.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[RobinGriffiths]

Must be how Ed Shearan made his money.