Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1232506 times)

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6200 on: November 21, 2018, 10:10:39 am »
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline ObviousSpectre

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6201 on: November 21, 2018, 10:51:05 am »
You should never buy flowers from a monk. It’s the only way to prevent flourist friars.

Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6202 on: November 21, 2018, 09:19:15 pm »
He's making a list
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice
Santa Claus is in contravention of article 4 of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6203 on: November 23, 2018, 01:27:12 pm »
If I had had a pound for every woman that ever found me unattractive I reckon they would fancy me by now

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6204 on: November 26, 2018, 08:54:02 am »
A man walks into a seafood restaurant, carrying a trout under his arm.

He asks the waitress "Excuse me, but do you make fish cakes?"

"Yes, we do" she replies.

"Oh good," says the man "It's his birthday!"
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6205 on: November 26, 2018, 09:49:11 am »
Are you sure he went to the right plaice?

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6206 on: November 26, 2018, 12:05:05 pm »
Don't tell him Pike!
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6207 on: November 26, 2018, 12:23:36 pm »
There's something fishy about this sudden crop of puns...   :-\
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline Cave_Troll

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6208 on: November 26, 2018, 01:03:54 pm »
We should dolphinitely scale back on the fish puns.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6209 on: November 27, 2018, 01:59:42 pm »
Get yer skates on but don't app roach him...
MNRC

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6210 on: November 27, 2018, 02:23:38 pm »
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have a pessimistic thought, I put a quid in.

Currently it’s half empty.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6211 on: November 30, 2018, 07:42:22 am »
A woman weightlifter goes to the doctor.

“I’ve been taking steroids, and now I’ve grown a cock!”

“Anabolic?” asks the doctor.

“No, just the cock”.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6212 on: December 03, 2018, 11:45:25 am »
Glancing at a certain newspaper on display on Saturday, I couldn't help noticing the headline screaming out at me:  "FREE DAVID WALLIAMS"

"What's that?" I thought.  I didn't know he'd been incarcerated.  What had he been up to?

Then I read on - there was something about a children's story audiobook...

Oh well...
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6213 on: December 04, 2018, 12:33:03 pm »
I got a phone call from my son's music school today.

"Hi, this is Billy’s music teacher calling."

"Oh, hi." I replied.

"I just wanted to let you know, looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!"

"Really?

"Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6214 on: December 06, 2018, 07:15:51 pm »
The Pope is in Liverpool handing out miracles when a kid comes up and asks "Can you help me with my hearing ?"

The Pope clasps his hands over the child's ears and says a prayer.

At the end he asks "Is it better? "

The child replies "I dunno, it's not until Thursday"
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6215 on: December 07, 2018, 12:18:43 pm »
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night....Oven should've been on Aloha setting.
MNRC

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6216 on: December 22, 2018, 10:18:35 am »
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Greg Jones

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6217 on: December 22, 2018, 06:04:40 pm »
Is it my imagination, or does Fred look like a young Muhammad Ali?
Renegade!

Offline blackshiver

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6218 on: December 24, 2018, 01:21:07 pm »
True story, I was in the park the other day and a guy was stood there shouting -

"Taxi!"......"Taxi!".

Then his dog turned round and came back to him.

Fantastic name for a Dog.
I have a plan so cunning you could pin a tail on it and call it a Weasel.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6219 on: December 28, 2018, 03:24:39 pm »
The man who invented human cloning died last week.
At his funeral his mourners were beside themselves.
It was requested that everyone wear their genes to the service
and the church bells were rung by a dead ringer.
MNRC

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6220 on: December 31, 2018, 05:50:57 pm »
My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhoea. Hopefully she won't find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage...
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6221 on: December 31, 2018, 07:27:15 pm »
I was sitting there on New Year's Eve, sipping my single malt, when it occurred to me that I really should spare a thought to those less fortunate.

So I raised my glass and said, 'Fu@k them!'
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6222 on: January 05, 2019, 12:06:48 pm »
Last night, I gave my wife a medieval battle uniform to polish whilst I went to the pub.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6223 on: January 07, 2019, 09:07:34 pm »
The inventor of speed boats has died. The funeral is tomorrow, followed by the wake.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6224 on: January 08, 2019, 01:44:27 pm »
My neighbour passed away and bequeathed everything to a crack in the Earth's crust. Lovely man, always generous to a fault.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"