Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1207880 times)

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6250 on: January 27, 2019, 09:27:14 am »
I'm looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6251 on: January 27, 2019, 01:05:10 pm »
My boss has just appointed me as his sexual adviser.

He said “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6252 on: January 28, 2019, 07:35:07 am »
My wife took off her clothes and said I could have whatever I wanted.
None of them fitted me though.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6253 on: January 28, 2019, 08:30:19 am »
I saw the weirdest thing ever today: I threw a sausage off the pier and some blind man jumped in after it. Then, when he reappeared out of the water, he had metamorphosed into a Labrador.
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Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6254 on: January 28, 2019, 11:35:15 am »
I seriously don't get that last one Tony. Is a Labrador a cross breed between a sausage dog and a ... blind dog??? What?? This is worse than those cryptic caves you guys speak about in your own language.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2019, 11:57:28 am by Alex »
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Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6255 on: January 28, 2019, 12:29:33 pm »
What dogs do blind people use?
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Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6256 on: January 28, 2019, 12:49:26 pm »
Quote
What dogs do blind people use?

Guide dogs... still not a clue.

Oh wait, i think I get it but it's really too tenuous to be funny: Are you saying he threw the sausage in and blind man's dog went in after it taking the blind man in with him. The dog then swam out, leaving the blind man to drown. You would have to know labradors are the the common dogs blind people use (I didn't, I thought they used Alsatians).

I would call that a riddle. Perhaps we should have Monday riddles?
« Last Edit: January 28, 2019, 12:57:55 pm by Alex »
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6257 on: January 28, 2019, 05:24:09 pm »
When you have to explain 'em...
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Offline Greg Jones

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6258 on: January 28, 2019, 05:52:15 pm »
Keep them coming Tony, I thought it was very funny.
Renegade!

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6259 on: January 29, 2019, 10:24:42 am »
Yes do keep them coming, all but the last one was great :) I also like puzzles.
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline PaulW

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6260 on: January 29, 2019, 10:31:10 am »
tony.......i thought that last one was one of the best  :chair:  :clap2:

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6261 on: January 29, 2019, 11:43:35 am »
My eBay purchase "Guaranteed to give you a huge, throbbing pri@k within minutes" arrived this morning. It turned out to be a wasp.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Aubrey

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6262 on: January 29, 2019, 12:55:32 pm »
Not really a joke but this made me smile more than some of Tony's offerings (sorry Tony):

I just received the in house magazine from ECP (bang makers) where they refer to their products as "Concentrated Energy"  :clap2:

make more cave - we have the technology!

Online Frog2

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6263 on: January 29, 2019, 03:45:14 pm »
Sorry, still prefer Tony's :ang:

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6264 on: January 29, 2019, 04:18:26 pm »
I started a postal guitar-repairing service. Had to stop when I received several frets in the mail.
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Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6265 on: January 29, 2019, 05:28:00 pm »
My old dad worked as hangman back in the good old days.

One of his customers  (clients?) was a bit nervous.

 "I've never done this before," he said.

"Don't worry," said dad, reaching for the lever that worked the trapdoor. 

"Just hang around for a bit.  You'll soon get into the swing of things."
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6266 on: January 30, 2019, 07:34:01 am »
Women mature much quicker than men.
I didn't have breasts until I was 40.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6267 on: January 30, 2019, 09:57:37 am »
My grandfather was a chain-saw juggler. Well, it was just the one time.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6268 on: January 31, 2019, 11:55:18 am »
I'm in the wife's bad books. Last night, the house alarm was accidentally set off by our cat. I misunderstood her when she told me to go down and disable it.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6269 on: January 31, 2019, 01:57:58 pm »
Talk is cheap.
Life is cheap.
Death is cheap.

- excerpt from 'Learn to Speak Canary'
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Offline Oceanrower

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6270 on: January 31, 2019, 02:23:34 pm »
I was watching this documentary that said beer contained a fairly large proportion of female hormones.

It's true. After 8 pints I can't drive and start talking bollocks...

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6271 on: January 31, 2019, 02:44:52 pm »
Visitors to Corsica wishing to improve their ability to chat with the locals are advised to take a "Coarse Corse Course".
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6272 on: February 01, 2019, 10:37:34 am »
I had just switched my phone to airplane mode when a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6273 on: February 01, 2019, 12:11:52 pm »
Joke.....
Hundreds of schools closed because of a couple of centimeters of snow.
MNRC

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6274 on: February 02, 2019, 08:13:37 am »
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night.

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