Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1198017 times)

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6325 on: March 14, 2019, 02:52:05 pm »
As I get older and remember all the people I lost along the way, I think to myself...
Maybe taking this job as a tour guide wasn't such a good idea.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6326 on: March 14, 2019, 06:28:00 pm »
My grandfather went to the Doctor with fluid on the knee. The Doctor told him that he wasn't aiming straight.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6327 on: March 18, 2019, 12:23:34 pm »
I just said "No comment" all the way through the police interview. I didn't get the job.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6328 on: March 19, 2019, 09:06:12 am »
I never judge people on the colour of their skin, which is why so many of my patients died of jaundice.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6329 on: March 19, 2019, 12:20:35 pm »
Nick Park, Owner of Aardman productions was found dead, with a plasticine dog in his mouth.
Reports say he choked on his own Gromit.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6330 on: March 20, 2019, 05:14:39 pm »
A weasel walks into a bar.
“Wow” says the barman “We’ve never had a ferret in here before."
“I’m a weasel not a ferret” goes the weasel, “Gimme a drink!”
"What’s your poison?” asks the barman.
“Pop” goes the weasel.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6331 on: March 20, 2019, 06:11:05 pm »
There must be some think people about, I mean they even have to put on rectangle shaped letters this is not circular.
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6332 on: March 20, 2019, 09:59:09 pm »
Bah I ruined that by saying think people instead of thick people.
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline Graigwen

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6333 on: March 21, 2019, 10:42:49 am »
Bah I ruined that by saying think people instead of thick people.

The correction was funnier than the joke!

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6334 on: March 24, 2019, 08:50:40 am »
Do you think aliens don't visit our planet because we only have one star?
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline gardouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6335 on: March 29, 2019, 10:39:38 am »
I looked at my naked body in the mirror and I thought... I'm going to get thrown out of Ikea in a minute.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6336 on: March 29, 2019, 09:57:22 pm »
I spent my whole life being proud of my English heritage until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania.

Now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6337 on: March 30, 2019, 01:15:58 am »
You could count on that happening, I suppose.
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6338 on: March 30, 2019, 06:25:18 pm »
Why do astronomers keep rump steaks in their bathrooms?

For meatier showers.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6339 on: March 30, 2019, 09:36:40 pm »
I'm not going to admit I like that one Tony.  :-[
MNRC

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6340 on: March 31, 2019, 08:24:31 pm »
My extra-sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6341 on: April 02, 2019, 02:03:19 pm »
I bought a pair of shoes with Memory Foam Insoles.
Never again will I walk into a room and wonder why I went in there.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6342 on: April 03, 2019, 08:26:40 am »
A buzzard turns up at the airport with two dead rabbits. The staff member at check in says, “Sorry, only one carrion per passenger”.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6343 on: April 03, 2019, 08:36:32 am »
At which the buzzard said "Right, then - I'm not boarding."

The air crew happened to be passing at that moment, and the pilot said "Rats!  Another bird strike!"
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Online Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6344 on: April 03, 2019, 09:01:08 am »
No doubt the plane had merlin engines.

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6345 on: April 03, 2019, 09:47:12 am »
No doubt the plane had merlin engines.
....and the buzzard's nest was in a plane tree.....?
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6346 on: April 03, 2019, 05:07:22 pm »
Whats the difference between a dead buzzard and Boeing 737 Max?     Nothing - neither can fly!
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Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6347 on: April 04, 2019, 09:11:46 pm »
I tried watching tv through a colander last night... I strained my eyes

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6348 on: April 05, 2019, 09:09:53 am »
All Boeing aircraft to have "why fly" capability removed.


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Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6349 on: April 05, 2019, 11:10:12 am »
My optometrist thinks my eyes will probably improve. Unfortunately, my pessometrist thinks they'll get worse.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"