Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1214888 times)

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6450 on: August 09, 2019, 01:19:08 pm »
My wife's always accusing me of being tight, so to prove her wrong I took her out for some tea and biscuits.

It was quite exciting because she'd never given blood before.
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6451 on: August 09, 2019, 01:22:35 pm »
Quote "small pocket knife with a two-inch blade and five forestry workers"

Some type of Swiss Army Knife?
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Offline Graigwen

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6452 on: August 10, 2019, 09:31:48 am »
Quote "small pocket knife with a two-inch blade and five forestry workers"

Some type of Swiss Army Knife?


This is why Switzerland has never been successfully invaded.  Would you take on a country that habitually carries such weapons?

.

Offline paul

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6453 on: August 10, 2019, 06:18:59 pm »
Quote "small pocket knife with a two-inch blade and five forestry workers"

Some type of Swiss Army Knife?


This is why Switzerland has never been successfully invaded.  Would you take on a country that habitually carries such weapons?

.

I thought it was more likely the noise of all those cuckoo clocks...
I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing!

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6454 on: August 12, 2019, 12:05:25 pm »
I have a pet Chameleon that can't change its colour anymore.

Apparently he has reptile dysfunction.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6455 on: August 12, 2019, 07:51:34 pm »
I feel sorry for this generation who have never used a phone box. It's not the same, peeing into a mobile.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6456 on: August 13, 2019, 11:30:33 am »
Lowering my expectations has succeeded beyond my wildest dreams!
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6457 on: August 14, 2019, 11:31:36 am »
My granddad died yesterday, but he had a good innings.

Well, until the cricket ball hit him.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6458 on: August 15, 2019, 10:05:24 am »
If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.
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Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6459 on: August 15, 2019, 11:01:20 am »
My family said I'd never amount to anything.  Then I invented the invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6460 on: August 15, 2019, 11:26:36 am »
Red wine and fish certainly don’t mix - in fact, mine died.
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Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6461 on: August 15, 2019, 01:02:27 pm »
How does red wine die?
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Online Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6462 on: August 15, 2019, 01:59:51 pm »
It turns into vinegar.

Offline owd git

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6463 on: August 15, 2019, 03:12:21 pm »
It's dyed many of my shirts  :beer2: honest!
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6464 on: Yesterday at 01:44:18 am »
I took my 7 year old daughter to the office today for "Take your kids to work day".
As we walked around the office she started crying, so I asked her what was wrong.
As all my colleagues gathered around, she sobbed, "But Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?".
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Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6465 on: Yesterday at 11:10:25 am »
I’m a comedian with irritable bowel syndrome… It’s shits and giggles.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6466 on: Yesterday at 01:49:21 pm »
I tried to convince my wife that black was very slimming on her, but she insisted I turn the light back on.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6467 on: Today at 08:39:39 am »
I picked up a hitchhiker today.

Well, you’ve got to when you hit them.
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6468 on: Today at 01:53:58 pm »
I picked up a hitchhiker earlier today. He said that, in this day and age, he was surprised I still picked people up. What, he said, if he turned out to be a serial killer? I explained that the odds were astronomical against there being two serial killers in the same car.
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