Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1146427 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6100 on: July 27, 2018, 09:10:47 pm »
I've put my dogging equipment up for sale on eBay.

No bids yet, but lots watching.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6101 on: July 28, 2018, 09:01:55 am »
The penultimate post by andys reminds me of something I read somewhere (maybe, embarrassingly on UKC?). Anyway, there is, apparently, a flat-earth website that says:

'Our organization has members all over the globe.'

Offline Aubrey

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6102 on: July 28, 2018, 01:34:50 pm »

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

The F-16 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3D & million dollar headset, the F-16 youngster told the 777 pilot, Hey Captain, watch this!?

He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable, vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F-16 screamed down at impossible G?s before leveling at almost sea level.

The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

The 777 pilot said, ?That was truly impressive, but watch this!?

The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour, and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, ?What did you think of that??

Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, What the heck did you do?

The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the bog, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company"

LESSON OF LIFE:
When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good thing! When you get older and smarter, comfort and dullness is not such a bad thing!

It's called S.O.S.

Slower, Older and Smarter!

Dedicated to all cavers approaching S.O.S.

...."Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive anyway."
make more cave - we have the technology!

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6103 on: July 28, 2018, 07:52:05 pm »
A woman weightlifter goes to the doctor's -

"I've been taking steroids and now I've grown a penis"

"Anabolic?” asks Doctor.

"No, just a penis".
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6104 on: July 29, 2018, 06:47:49 pm »
Took my mother-in-law out last night.

Loving my new sniper rifle.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6105 on: July 30, 2018, 02:08:58 am »
Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, ‘What’s the wifi password?’ Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.' Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.' Bartender: 'We have Molson’s Canadian on tap.' Me: 'Sure. How much is that?' Bartender: '$8.00.' Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what’s the wifi password?' Bartender: ' "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst"; No spaces and all lowercase.'
MNRC

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6106 on: August 01, 2018, 12:36:47 pm »
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks. Cost me an arm and a leg!
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6107 on: August 01, 2018, 11:50:32 pm »
They really need to start stocking ATM's better.
I went to six this morning and they all said 'insufficient funds'!
MNRC

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6108 on: August 02, 2018, 03:05:48 pm »
I've just been conned into buying some counterfeit Mr Kipling's Bakewell Tarts. In my defence, they are exceedingly good fakes.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6109 on: August 03, 2018, 08:46:04 am »
Apostrophes can sometimes completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example...

I like to eat hamburgers.
I like to eat apostrophes.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6110 on: August 03, 2018, 08:54:51 am »
FACT: All castles have one major weakness - the enemy can get in through the gift shop.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6111 on: August 03, 2018, 11:10:09 pm »
True story (actually it really is). I had a friend who's sister didn't like answering the door to strangers. I've always found bikers fairly OK to talk to.  Don't know what Sarah Connor is on about.  I guess she'll be back though.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6112 on: August 04, 2018, 09:10:37 am »
My car broke down so I lifted the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. The bat said "Hello. You're a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed too". I thought - I can see the problem now. Bat flattery.
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Online Oceanrower

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6113 on: August 04, 2018, 03:34:46 pm »
True story (actually it really is). I had a friend who's sister didn't like answering the door to strangers. I've always found bikers fairly OK to talk to.  Don't know what Sarah Connor is on about.  I guess she'll be back though.

I have absolutely no idea what this means...

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6114 on: August 04, 2018, 05:11:41 pm »
I was enjoying a coffee at the Botanic Gardens earlier when a waitress screamed, ''Does anyone know CPR?''

I shouted, ''Hey, I know the whole alphabet!''

Everyone laughed... Well, everyone except this one guy.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6115 on: August 06, 2018, 10:07:11 am »
Has anyone else noticed how Formula 1 drivers are named after places in Scotland? There is Stirling Moss, Eddie Irvine, Lewis Hamilton and, of course, the legendary Brazilian, Ayr Town Centre.
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Offline Graigwen

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6116 on: August 06, 2018, 11:01:07 am »
Has anyone else noticed how Formula 1 drivers are named after places in Scotland? There is Stirling Moss, Eddie Irvine, Lewis Hamilton and, of course, the legendary Brazilian, Ayr Town Centre.

I was waiting for Kirk Caldy....not yet a big name in F1 perhaps...

Offline Graigwen

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6117 on: August 06, 2018, 11:01:59 am »
...and the host of up and coming young drivers such as Ben Nevis; Dennis Toun; Clyde Bank; Barry Hill (Damion's son?); Arthur Lee; Kenneth Mont; Craig Barnet: Norman Slaw; Collin Swell; Allan Mouth; Keith Hall; Peter Head; Robert On; Douglas Water; Kelly Castle, Glen Coe; Sandy Knowe and Rob Royston.

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6118 on: August 06, 2018, 02:09:33 pm »
... don't foget the Southern States hopefuls, Abe R Dean and Cal Lander!
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6119 on: August 06, 2018, 10:28:46 pm »
Quote
I have absolutely no idea what this means...
It was a really crap Terminator joke - watch the film... bloke dressed as biker knocks on doors ... oh well never mind.  My three month stint at the London Palladium has now been cancelled....   :'(  or is that  :lol:

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6120 on: August 07, 2018, 08:39:15 am »
I see the makers of Pedigree chum have gone into liquidation. They've called in the Retrievers.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6121 on: August 08, 2018, 12:24:59 pm »
I went up to the bar and ordered three pints and a whisky. I said to the barman 'I shouldn't be having this with what I've got.'
He said 'What have you got?'
I said 'Ninety-seven pence.'
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6122 on: August 08, 2018, 08:28:33 pm »
I went to buy some bolts in my local hardware shop.
Chap asked; "How long do you want them?"
I said "I was hoping to keep them."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Oceanrower

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6123 on: August 09, 2018, 10:14:09 am »
I just got stopped by a market researcher in Boots and asked what grooming products I used.

It seemed that Smarties, puppy dogs and the internet wasn't the answer she was expecting...

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6124 on: August 09, 2018, 10:26:39 am »
Went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity ....
MNRC