Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1154943 times)

Offline shotlighter

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6150 on: August 24, 2018, 05:04:24 pm »
The capacity for puns on here is farad away the worst I've come across - enough to induce you to choke.
About time to coulomb off.

Offline Rhinolophus

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6151 on: August 24, 2018, 07:11:54 pm »
We’ve sparked something off!

Offline Cave_Troll

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6152 on: August 25, 2018, 07:17:32 pm »
shocking

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6153 on: August 26, 2018, 04:56:16 pm »
I've bought a top of the range Rolls Royce but my budget didn't cover a driver.
I've spent all that money and I've got nothing to chauffeur it.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6154 on: August 29, 2018, 09:06:16 am »
I went into a shop for some insect spray.
I asked the shopkeeper, 'Is this good for flies?'

'Not really,' he said, 'it kills them'
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6155 on: August 31, 2018, 07:29:01 pm »
I'm a member of a secret society for Cypriot cheese lovers. Or, as it's better known, The Hallouminati.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline rhychydwr1

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains Blondes
« Reply #6156 on: September 01, 2018, 09:08:18 pm »
Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking......
And one blonde says to the other, "Which do
You think is farther away..........Melbourne or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can You see Melbourne...?????"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly. She Says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
very Nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your
act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and
then today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she
shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river
and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and said That her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast
and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even
More. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she
Pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
Made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American
said, "We  were The first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on
the Sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and
shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn
up!" said The Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was
her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her Question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your Name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde
responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one
was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're

Watch dogs!"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6157 on: September 02, 2018, 09:48:07 pm »
I phoned my Wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on the way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Graigwen

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains Blondes
« Reply #6158 on: September 03, 2018, 10:07:18 am »



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde
responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one
was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're

Watch dogs!"

Decades ago in a professional capacity, some people I was interested in had an associate who had two Rotweiler dogs. Their names were Brinks and Mat. You can guess the line of business he was in.

.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6159 on: September 04, 2018, 10:17:26 am »
“Dad, I’ve got a part in the school play! I play a man who’s been married for twenty-five years”

“Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part son”.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6160 on: September 04, 2018, 01:27:49 pm »
“It’s a boy!”, I shouted with tears rolling down my face.
“I don’t believe it, it’s a boy!”

It’s at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6161 on: September 05, 2018, 12:18:39 am »
Quote
I phoned my Wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on the way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
Tony of Suffolk - could I ask do you do a stand up routine? I'd guess it'll go down a treat at caving events, sort of an 'underground' Milton Jones.  :beer2:

Offline Dickie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6162 on: September 05, 2018, 12:56:18 pm »
More (old) blonde jokes:

Why do blondes like convertible cars?
More legroom.

Why do blondes like tilt-up steering wheels?
More headroom.
Amazin Razin rools OK!

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6163 on: September 05, 2018, 04:37:01 pm »
Snow White has cancelled her pantomime due to serious illness.
The doctor said she’s getting better, but isn't out of the woods.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6164 on: September 06, 2018, 01:52:17 am »
Snow White has cancelled her pantomime due to serious illness.
The doctor said she’s getting better, but isn't out of the woods.
Must have caught it from Little Red Riding Hood....?
MNRC

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6165 on: September 06, 2018, 08:16:12 am »
Don't know why, but that joke makes me feel a bit Grumpy

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6166 on: September 06, 2018, 11:16:46 am »
Imagine the Titanic with a lisp.

It's unthinkable.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6167 on: September 07, 2018, 11:02:06 am »
A man has been killed after jumping on his nemesis from a ten storey building.

He was pronounced dead on a rival.
MNRC

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6168 on: September 08, 2018, 08:19:23 am »
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6169 on: September 11, 2018, 08:39:52 pm »
Wandering through my village I saw an old chap being attacked by three middle-aged blokes. Thought I had better step in and help.
Poor bugger.
He didn't stand a chance against the four of us.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6170 on: September 12, 2018, 09:28:41 am »
I just saw a bloke in B & Q shouting abuse in the Adhesives aisle. It must be awful to be glue tin intolerant.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6171 on: September 12, 2018, 10:29:32 am »
2 astronauts were in the space station making their morning coffee on their first day in space.

Astronaut 1: "I can't seem to find any milk up here?"
Astronaut 2: "In space no one can. Here, use cream".
MNRC

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6172 on: September 13, 2018, 09:11:39 am »
My ability to remember song lyrics from the 60's far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6173 on: September 13, 2018, 10:00:04 am »
My ability to remember song lyrics from the 60's far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.
Not just me then. Are you sure that's a joke?   ::)
MNRC

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6174 on: September 13, 2018, 11:34:20 am »
Not entirely Laurie...  :weep:
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"