Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1162695 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6175 on: September 18, 2018, 10:30:39 am »
What did Russell Crowe do when the cannibal ate his wife?

Nothing. He was Gladiator.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6176 on: September 18, 2018, 11:41:31 am »
What did Russell Crowe do when the cannibal ate his wife?

Nothing. He was Gladiator.
Where's the 'groan' smilie?   :yucky:   :)
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6177 on: September 19, 2018, 05:19:21 pm »
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6178 on: September 20, 2018, 12:54:50 pm »
My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them. Personally I think he torques out of his ar*e…
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6179 on: September 25, 2018, 08:03:13 pm »
Q: What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

A: About half way.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6180 on: September 27, 2018, 02:12:30 pm »
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches.

You should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6181 on: September 28, 2018, 01:37:22 pm »
My wife was complaining that all the magic had gone out of our marriage. So I sawed her in half.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Graigwen

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6182 on: September 28, 2018, 05:17:18 pm »
.


Ogof Draenen has only one entrance.



.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6183 on: September 29, 2018, 11:15:10 am »
I asked a minister of religion what nationality Adam & Eve were, his reply was "We don't know but we are sure they were not Australian aboriginals."
I asked how he could say that.
His reply was "If they had of been, they would have thrown the apple away and eaten the snake."
MNRC

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6184 on: September 30, 2018, 04:01:45 pm »
I tried to get into a scifi convention the other day dressed as one of the Doctors.  I think the security realised I wasn't the real McCoy.
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6185 on: October 01, 2018, 12:34:16 pm »
Was their response: "Doctor who?"
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6186 on: October 05, 2018, 04:32:10 am »
 My mate asked me what my ringtone was. I said, "I'm not entirely sure but if I had to guess I'd say dark brown".
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6187 on: October 14, 2018, 10:00:47 am »
One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says "Smell this" it will usually smell nice.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6188 on: October 14, 2018, 10:41:18 am »
"Knock, knock"

"Who's there?"

"Grandad"

"Quick, stop the cremation!"
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Oceanrower

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6189 on: October 14, 2018, 11:05:03 am »
Father O'Reilly let the kids of the parish shave his hair off for charity.


Afterwards he was asked how it went.


He said "It feels a bit strange, but I think it makes my cock look bigger..."

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6190 on: October 14, 2018, 12:11:33 pm »
My boss arrived at work today in a brand new Lamborghini.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "Well, if you work hard, put all the hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year !!!"
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6191 on: October 16, 2018, 12:18:29 pm »
My daughter - her school's proud netball cheerleader - came down the stairs this morning.

I said "Give me an E."
She said, "E"

"Give me an F."
"F"

"Give me another E."
"E"

"Give me a U."
"U"

"And another E..."
"E"

"What have we got?"
"Seriously dad?  But that doesn't spell anything!"

I said, "I know, I just opened your exam results."
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6192 on: October 24, 2018, 01:14:51 pm »
The other day I was talking with a couple of gay friends who wanted to have a baby by surrogacy, but they couldn’t decide whose sperm to use. So I said, ‘Why don’t you toss for it?’

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6193 on: October 24, 2018, 03:34:20 pm »
My wife and I share a sense of humour.
 
We have to, because she hasn't got one.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6194 on: October 25, 2018, 09:38:34 am »
Bad news for all the racist dyslexics out there.
On the 28th October, your cocks turn black.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6195 on: October 27, 2018, 03:50:41 pm »
I found a twenty-pound note and thought “What would Jesus do?”. So I turned it into wine.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6196 on: November 09, 2018, 10:24:07 am »
  Glass coffins.

  Will the become fashionable?

  Remains to be seen !!




Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."