Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1226717 times)

Offline ALEXW

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6425 on: July 10, 2019, 11:41:07 am »
Choux need to do something about the quality of these jokes.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6426 on: July 11, 2019, 08:21:11 am »
"I was told my granddad served on a mimesweeper during the war."
"Shouldn't that be minesweeper?"
"I don't know - he'd never talk about it".
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Online Cave_Troll

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6427 on: July 11, 2019, 08:52:48 am »
Maybe he was checking emails ?

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6428 on: July 12, 2019, 09:43:47 am »
My telly's blown up. I can't afford a real one.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6429 on: July 12, 2019, 11:21:48 am »
I came out of Sainsbury's this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She'd lost all her holiday money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her £20.

I don't usually do that kind of thing, but I'd just found £2000 in the car park.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6430 on: July 14, 2019, 02:59:37 pm »
The surgeon said to me, "Do you have a dog?" I said, "Yes, why?"

He said, "If I can't save your leg, do you want me to keep the bone for him?"
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6431 on: July 17, 2019, 07:55:36 am »
Essex girl notices one shoe has an ‘L’ on it and the other says ‘R’
“Whyzat then?” she asks her boyfriend
“Dunno, maybe the same reason your knickers say C & A?”
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6432 on: July 17, 2019, 08:21:07 am »
Essex girl notices one shoe has an ‘L’ on it and the other says ‘R’
“Whyzat then?” she asks her boyfriend
“Dunno, maybe the same reason your knickers say C & A?”

Ah! The old ones are the best. I first heard that one when I was at school in about 1968! But keep 'em coming Tony!
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Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6433 on: July 18, 2019, 07:34:32 pm »
I tried to give blood today but was just put off by how many questions they ask.

Like "who's blood is this?" And "how did you get it?"
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6434 on: July 19, 2019, 08:41:49 am »
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6435 on: July 19, 2019, 10:17:52 am »
A Russian couple have just opened a new coffee shop in the high street.

They called it Tsarbucks..
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Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6436 on: July 19, 2019, 01:56:57 pm »
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a strangers leg you can actually hear them say "what the f**k are you doing?"
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Offline rhychydwr1

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6437 on: July 20, 2019, 02:39:39 pm »
A man rings 999 in panic and says, " My wife is nine months pregnant and has stared screaming.  She's ranting about Jews!"  The operator replies "Don't worry, she's gone into Labour.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6438 on: July 22, 2019, 02:59:18 am »
Anyone know any jokes about monorails?
I'm looking for a one liner.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6439 on: July 24, 2019, 01:46:56 pm »
It was so hot today, I tried to cool down by standing naked in front of the freezer with the door open. Mind you, it got me thrown out of Sainsbury's.
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Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6440 on: July 24, 2019, 09:31:39 pm »
I started dating an astrophysicist until she got into black holes.

I still see her but she won't come out anymore.

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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6441 on: July 30, 2019, 08:20:45 am »
It's proving very difficult to find a shop selling 'Left Guard' for my other armpit.
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6442 on: August 01, 2019, 10:03:13 am »
Polce toay have sa they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6443 on: August 03, 2019, 09:19:08 am »
When I heard you can donate sperm by post, I came in a Jiffy.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6444 on: August 05, 2019, 08:43:37 pm »
“Can you think of a synonym for ‘feelers’?”
“They’re antennae.”
“Come on, there must be one.”
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6445 on: August 06, 2019, 01:06:02 am »
What is the opposite of Irony?

Wrinkly.
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Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6446 on: August 06, 2019, 02:29:25 pm »
In my church after every service we have a meal with a  cheesy dip.

We're fonduementalists.
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6447 on: August 07, 2019, 04:49:12 pm »
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.

Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb'.

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it - circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6448 on: August 08, 2019, 07:40:13 pm »
I just went into my local bookshop and saw a book titled, "How to solve 50% of your problems instantly." So I bought two copies.
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Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6449 on: August 09, 2019, 12:51:23 pm »
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.

Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb'.

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it - circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

I found your Rabbi!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-49186379

(I was not even looking, I just switched to BBC and there it was).
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