Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[tony from suffolk]

My wife's always accusing me of being tight, so to prove her wrong I took her out for some tea and biscuits.

It was quite exciting because she'd never given blood before.

[Laurie]

Quote "small pocket knife with a two-inch blade and five forestry workers"

Some type of Swiss Army Knife?

[Graigwen]

Quote "small pocket knife with a two-inch blade and five forestry workers"

Some type of Swiss Army Knife?

This is why Switzerland has never been successfully invaded.  Would you take on a country that habitually carries such weapons?

.

[paul]

Quote "small pocket knife with a two-inch blade and five forestry workers"

Some type of Swiss Army Knife?

This is why Switzerland has never been successfully invaded.  Would you take on a country that habitually carries such weapons?

.

I thought it was more likely the noise of all those cuckoo clocks...

[Laurie]

I have a pet Chameleon that can't change its colour anymore.

Apparently he has reptile dysfunction.

[tony from suffolk]

I feel sorry for this generation who have never used a phone box. It's not the same, peeing into a mobile.

[tony from suffolk]

Lowering my expectations has succeeded beyond my wildest dreams!

[tony from suffolk]

My granddad died yesterday, but he had a good innings.

Well, until the cricket ball hit him.

[tony from suffolk]

If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

[crickleymal]

My family said I'd never amount to anything.  Then I invented the invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now.

[tony from suffolk]

Red wine and fish certainly don’t mix - in fact, mine died.

[Alex]

How does red wine die?

[Fulk]

It turns into vinegar.

[owd git]

It's dyed many of my shirts  honest!

[Laurie]

I took my 7 year old daughter to the office today for "Take your kids to work day".
As we walked around the office she started crying, so I asked her what was wrong.
As all my colleagues gathered around, she sobbed, "But Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?".

[GarDouth]

I’m a comedian with irritable bowel syndrome… It’s shits and giggles.

[tony from suffolk]

I tried to convince my wife that black was very slimming on her, but she insisted I turn the light back on.

[tony from suffolk]

I picked up a hitchhiker today.

Well, you’ve got to when you hit them.

[andys]

I picked up a hitchhiker earlier today. He said that, in this day and age, he was surprised I still picked people up. What, he said, if he turned out to be a serial killer? I explained that the odds were astronomical against there being two serial killers in the same car.

[crickleymal]

I'm going to use that line next time I pick up a hitch hiker.

[Boy Engineer]

It’s still funny 14 months on. 

[Inferus]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’...the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?” The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise”. "Ah! So sorry" says the waiter, "I bring you Peking Duck by mistake."

[tony from suffolk]

Merlin would often turn himself into a cat - whenever he fancied a sorcerer milk.

[tony from suffolk]

Dave’s 10 funniest jokes of the 2019 fringe
1. I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower”. I think I might have Florets. – Olaf Falafel

2. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. – Richard Stott

3. What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh. – Milton Jones

4. A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, “Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.” – Jake Lambert

5. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. – Ross Smith

6. Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning. – Ross Smith

7. I accidentally booked myself on to an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. – Adele Cliff

8. After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging. – Richard Pulsford

9. To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian. – Mark Simmons

10. I’ve got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts. – Ivo Graham

[tony from suffolk]

The annual parasite convention dinner is this evening - it's my turn to be host.