Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1239798 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6450 on: August 09, 2019, 01:19:08 pm »
My wife's always accusing me of being tight, so to prove her wrong I took her out for some tea and biscuits.

It was quite exciting because she'd never given blood before.
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6451 on: August 09, 2019, 01:22:35 pm »
Quote "small pocket knife with a two-inch blade and five forestry workers"

Some type of Swiss Army Knife?
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Offline Graigwen

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6452 on: August 10, 2019, 09:31:48 am »
Quote "small pocket knife with a two-inch blade and five forestry workers"

Some type of Swiss Army Knife?


This is why Switzerland has never been successfully invaded.  Would you take on a country that habitually carries such weapons?

.

Offline paul

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6453 on: August 10, 2019, 06:18:59 pm »
Quote "small pocket knife with a two-inch blade and five forestry workers"

Some type of Swiss Army Knife?


This is why Switzerland has never been successfully invaded.  Would you take on a country that habitually carries such weapons?

.

I thought it was more likely the noise of all those cuckoo clocks...
I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing!

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6454 on: August 12, 2019, 12:05:25 pm »
I have a pet Chameleon that can't change its colour anymore.

Apparently he has reptile dysfunction.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6455 on: August 12, 2019, 07:51:34 pm »
I feel sorry for this generation who have never used a phone box. It's not the same, peeing into a mobile.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6456 on: August 13, 2019, 11:30:33 am »
Lowering my expectations has succeeded beyond my wildest dreams!
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6457 on: August 14, 2019, 11:31:36 am »
My granddad died yesterday, but he had a good innings.

Well, until the cricket ball hit him.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6458 on: August 15, 2019, 10:05:24 am »
If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.
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Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6459 on: August 15, 2019, 11:01:20 am »
My family said I'd never amount to anything.  Then I invented the invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6460 on: August 15, 2019, 11:26:36 am »
Red wine and fish certainly don’t mix - in fact, mine died.
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Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6461 on: August 15, 2019, 01:02:27 pm »
How does red wine die?
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Online Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6462 on: August 15, 2019, 01:59:51 pm »
It turns into vinegar.

Offline owd git

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6463 on: August 15, 2019, 03:12:21 pm »
It's dyed many of my shirts  :beer2: honest!
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6464 on: August 16, 2019, 01:44:18 am »
I took my 7 year old daughter to the office today for "Take your kids to work day".
As we walked around the office she started crying, so I asked her what was wrong.
As all my colleagues gathered around, she sobbed, "But Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?".
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Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6465 on: August 16, 2019, 11:10:25 am »
I’m a comedian with irritable bowel syndrome… It’s shits and giggles.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6466 on: August 16, 2019, 01:49:21 pm »
I tried to convince my wife that black was very slimming on her, but she insisted I turn the light back on.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6467 on: August 17, 2019, 08:39:39 am »
I picked up a hitchhiker today.

Well, you’ve got to when you hit them.
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6468 on: August 17, 2019, 01:53:58 pm »
I picked up a hitchhiker earlier today. He said that, in this day and age, he was surprised I still picked people up. What, he said, if he turned out to be a serial killer? I explained that the odds were astronomical against there being two serial killers in the same car.
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Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6469 on: August 17, 2019, 03:59:00 pm »
I'm going to use that line next time I pick up a hitch hiker.
Malc
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Offline Boy Engineer

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6470 on: August 17, 2019, 04:17:47 pm »
It’s still funny 14 months on.  ;D

Offline Inferus

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6471 on: August 17, 2019, 11:44:38 pm »
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’...the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?” The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise”. "Ah! So sorry" says the waiter, "I bring you Peking Duck by mistake."
Awkward, grumpy sod.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6472 on: August 18, 2019, 07:49:20 am »
Merlin would often turn himself into a cat - whenever he fancied a sorcerer milk.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6473 on: August 19, 2019, 08:18:28 am »
Dave’s 10 funniest jokes of the 2019 fringe
1. I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower”. I think I might have Florets. – Olaf Falafel

2. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. – Richard Stott

3. What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh. – Milton Jones

4. A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, “Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.” – Jake Lambert

5. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. – Ross Smith

6. Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning. – Ross Smith

7. I accidentally booked myself on to an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. – Adele Cliff

8. After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging. – Richard Pulsford

9. To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian. – Mark Simmons

10. I’ve got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts. – Ivo Graham
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6474 on: August 19, 2019, 11:20:52 am »
The annual parasite convention dinner is this evening - it's my turn to be host.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"