Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[tony from suffolk]

My wife's always accusing me of being tight, so to prove her wrong I took her out for some tea and biscuits.

It was quite exciting because she'd never given blood before.

[Laurie]

Quote "small pocket knife with a two-inch blade and five forestry workers"

Some type of Swiss Army Knife?

[Graigwen]

Quote "small pocket knife with a two-inch blade and five forestry workers"

Some type of Swiss Army Knife?

This is why Switzerland has never been successfully invaded.  Would you take on a country that habitually carries such weapons?

.

[paul]

Quote "small pocket knife with a two-inch blade and five forestry workers"

Some type of Swiss Army Knife?

This is why Switzerland has never been successfully invaded.  Would you take on a country that habitually carries such weapons?

.

I thought it was more likely the noise of all those cuckoo clocks...

[Laurie]

I have a pet Chameleon that can't change its colour anymore.

Apparently he has reptile dysfunction.

[tony from suffolk]

I feel sorry for this generation who have never used a phone box. It's not the same, peeing into a mobile.

[tony from suffolk]

Lowering my expectations has succeeded beyond my wildest dreams!

[tony from suffolk]

My granddad died yesterday, but he had a good innings.

Well, until the cricket ball hit him.

[tony from suffolk]

If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

[crickleymal]

My family said I'd never amount to anything.  Then I invented the invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now.

[tony from suffolk]

Red wine and fish certainly don’t mix - in fact, mine died.

[Alex]

How does red wine die?

[Fulk]

It turns into vinegar.

[owd git]

It's dyed many of my shirts  honest!

[Laurie]

I took my 7 year old daughter to the office today for "Take your kids to work day".
As we walked around the office she started crying, so I asked her what was wrong.
As all my colleagues gathered around, she sobbed, "But Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?".

[GarDouth]

I’m a comedian with irritable bowel syndrome… It’s shits and giggles.

[tony from suffolk]

I tried to convince my wife that black was very slimming on her, but she insisted I turn the light back on.

[tony from suffolk]

I picked up a hitchhiker today.

Well, you’ve got to when you hit them.

[andys]

I picked up a hitchhiker earlier today. He said that, in this day and age, he was surprised I still picked people up. What, he said, if he turned out to be a serial killer? I explained that the odds were astronomical against there being two serial killers in the same car.