Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

The budgie broke his leg yesterday so I made him a splint from two matches.
His face lit up when he tried to walk with them.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I've been researching my family history and discovered my dad was a mime artist.

He kept that quiet.

 

[tony from suffolk]

Years ago I used to be a lighthouse keeper. I still think about it off and on.

 

[andys]

My next door neighbor with massive boobs keeps walking around the backyard topless.
I wish his wife would do the same.

 

[hoehlenforscher]

Some friends suggested holding a joint party for the Chinese New Year and Burns Night called ‘Chinese-Burns Night’
I wasn't keen but they twisted my arm...

 

[TheBitterEnd]

I hurt my arm this morning and had to go to hospital for an x-ray,
as I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!"
I was like, eh?!?!.,
I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!"
I grabbed the next doc walking past I said, "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?"


He says," no this is the Burns unit" !

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Weird but this morning I found a jigsaw piece in my bed......

it's a bit of a puzzle.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Patient: "Doctor, what happens when we die?"

Doctor: "We clean down the bed and bring in a new patient!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My kids cried when I put ginger in their curry.

They really loved that cat.

 

[andys]

 

[andys]

To the person who has hacked my UK Caving account - I will find you!
Edit: No you won't.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I was thinking, are people really born with a photographic memory?

Or does it take time to develop?

 

[Laurie]

I was thinking, are people really born with a photographic memory?

Or does it take time to develop?

For older members only?

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My Mrs gave me an envelope earlier marked, 'DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2024',

inside was a list of reasons why I can't be trusted...

 

[Mrs Trellis]

For older members only?

I always thought I was one of the young ones.

 

[andys]

The woman at the Job Centre said, "You're always late, you ignore the queue of people and you are rude to everyone."
I said, "What's your point?"
She said, "Have you ever thought of becoming a bus driver?"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A man walks up to a woman in a nightclub and says,
"Hi, the name's Bond."
She says, "Don't tell me - your first name's James?"
"No," he replies. "It's Uni - I'm here to fill your crack!"