kay said:
And all caves consist of a 'maze of tunnels' (which are always walking size, and with a dry sandy floor) and the most likely danger of caving is that you will get lost and wander round and round for ever :roll:
From "The Hollywood Cave," A classic cartoon by Doug Kirby in _NSS News_ February 1981, p. 42
"Caves and caving have been distorted and misrepresented by Hollywood since the birth of motion pictures. The glamorous stereotyped caves of the big screen are an affront to anyone who's been within crawling distance of the holes in question... but gosh, don't you wish - just once - that you could discover a "real" Hollywood cave?
The Hollywood cave is always uncannily lit by phosphorescent rocks. [Stow those luminescent baubles, Ted! Why, I could get a swell tan from
the light these rocks emit!]
In the Hollywood cave nobody wears helmets or protective gear because there are no dangerous outcroppings or overhangs (or mud or water).
You never have to squirm, climb or crawl in a Hollywood cave. The entrance is always round with a flat bottom (usually wide enough to drive a car into).
The smooth floor is only disturbed by breakdown from a cave-in caused by:
* An explosion of toxic gases or TNT.
* A misfired pistol or laser.
* Volcanic or thermonuclear disturbances.
* Removing emeralds from a native idol's eye sockets despite warnings.
It wouldn't exactly be virgin passage... It would invariably contain either:
(A) Huge carnivorous spiders.
(B) Lumbering radioactive monsters or entire alien races.
(C) Hobos, Indians or prehistoric men.
(D) Die-hard Jap soldiers, or all of the above.
Don't let the inhabitants or cave-ins panic you into running away. Running in a Hollywood cave will almost always result in a fall into a BOTTOMLESS PIT!
When Hollywood caving, your two major concerns are having enough twine to unravel so you won't get lost and enough pebbles to drop to determine the depth of bottomless pits. [Somebody cut my string! Now I'm hopelessly LOST!]
Don't remove any formations with rock hammers, or tons of water will cascade in and fill the room!
WARNING: Women with long, blonde hair are advised not to enter the
Hollywood cave - or else they will have a harrowing, blood-sucking encounter with "THE CHEAP HORROR-FLICK BAT!" ...
The cheap horror-flick bat inhabits all Hollywood caves. He resembles a black, hairy loaf of bread with cardboard wings. He is an aerodynamic impossibility. His partially invisible motion-wires propel him in slow strafing runs. His bicycle-reflector eyes allow him to see in the lightness of the cave. His squeaky hinges provide the menacing and incessant "EEEE! EEEE!"