Oh, just some stuff...

[Stu]

Customer: Worcester sauce crisps please.

Shopkeeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, Cancer scare.

Customer: Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings?

Shopkeeper: Ah that's the same , Cancer scare

Customer: Hamburger Relish?

Shopkeeper: Cancer scare

Customer: Sausage and Mash?

Shopkeeper: Cancer scare

Customer: Cottage Pie?

Shopkeeper: Yes, ...no wait, Cancer scare.

Customer: So they're all off the shelves because of a Cancer
scare?

Shopkeeper: Yes

Customer: (sigh) Just give me a packet of fags then.

Shopkeeper: Certainly. £4.50 please.

Customer: Thanks
>>>

>
>
>> 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
>> he was God and I didn't.
>>
>> 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
>>
>> 3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
>>
>> 4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
>>
>> 5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
>>
>> 6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
>>
>> 7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me and me
> and me.
>>
>> 8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
>>
>> 9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
>>
>> 10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
>>
>> 11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
>>
>> 12. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy
>> why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
>>
>> 13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
>>
>> 14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
>>
>> 15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
>>
>> 16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
>>
>> 17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
>>
>> 18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew
> up.
>>
>> 19.. Procrastinate Now!
>>
>> 20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
>>
>> 21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
>>
>> 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
>>
>> 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
>>
>> 24..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
>>
>> 25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
>>
>> 26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
> thousand times the memory.
>>
>> 27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
>> for a pig.
>>
>> 28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
>>
>> 29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

 

[tiggs]

i LOVE IT!!!!!
Hows your leg doing?

 

[Stu]

S'alright thanks. Two weeks to go and should be into a lower leg cast!

 

[tiggs]

8)

 

[tubby two]

Are you sure point 17 is quite right?

tt.

 

[Stu]

Are you sure point 17 is quite right?

tt.

With todays pharma... farma... doh...drugs, there's usually something that can be taken to give you a bit of "pep"!!!!

 

[darkplaces]

Poor old stu (he's older then me) here, something else to keep you entertained. Some Anagrams.

Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot

Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien

David Melor - Dildo marvel

The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames

Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin

Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap

Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case

The Open University - Intrusive Neophyte

The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop

Acorn Computers - Crap to consumer

Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend

Eastenders - needs a rest

Home and Away - Aha..yawn mode

Eldorado - Real dodo

Selina Scott - Elastic snot

Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot

Actors - scrota

Robert DeNiro - error on bidet

Rita Hayworth - Hot hairy wart

Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses

Mel Gibson - big melons

Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed

Kylie Minogue - I like 'em young

Gloria Estefan - large fat noise

Chris Rea - rich arse

Marti Pellow - Ill tapeworm

Madonna, the material girl - Real dim man-eating harlot

Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled

Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad

Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man

Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag

Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below

Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's stomach ache fermenter

Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint 'o' lager virtually erases sexiness

An Intel Pentium Processor - Customer nipple not arisen

Pentium Processor - Computerises porn

Funeral - real fun

Christians - rich saints

Women Priests - new imposters


and finally...


Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews

 

[dunc]

:up: