school bullying

[stealth]

How do you combat school bullying. My kids secondary school is supposed to have an anti bullying policy but to be honest its a joke. Ive had words (politely and calmly) to the teachers, heads of years, even the headmaster and its always the same response, we will look into it and stop it happening. Nothing ever happens, the bullying returns and continues after a few days/weeks. If the child is too embarrased or scared to tell a parent or teacher where do they go.
The thing is, if the child who is being bullied turns round and wallops the bully then they get into more serious trouble than the one who started it all.  Ive been driven to the point ( a while ago now) where ive even considered removing them from the school and educating them myself.

To all the parents out there what would you do in a given situation?


Tony

 

[darthnoddy]

take the bully(s) caving and then..........................

 

[Peter Burgess]

Is it physical, or not? Name-calling and teasing, or fighting? Or both?

 

[stealth]

Is it physical, or not? Name-calling and teasing, or fighting? Or both?

hi peter

bad name calling and throwing things snidey remarks

 

[ttxela]

Probably alot of people would disagree but my nephew was being bullied as he's the smallest in his year. He took some karate lessons for a while and although he's given up now he is still alot more confident, the bullying still continues but he doesn't seem as affected by it. As you say though on the occassions when he does hit back it always seems to be just as someone on the staff walks round the corner and it's him that gets in trouble..... He is alot less upset by it all now though.

I never had too much trouble myself but at junior school a lad a couple of years older decided to give me hell for a while, in the end after a chat with my dad the next time he started I bloodied his nose for him, again it was me that got the worst of the punishment for that too.

Not really advocating violence but finding some way of instilling more confidence is probably the key in the event of the school not doing much.

 

[damian]

I am not a parent but am a High-School Teacher. Here's my 2p's worth!

Bullying is a really difficult subject for teachers to deal with. This is partly because it is difficult to know how one sided it is (in my experience, most of what is reported to me as "bullying" is actually almost as much one side as the other) , partly because it is difficult to tell how serious it is (some parents definitely use it as a convenient excuse for their own child's poor behaviour or poor attendance) but most of all because it is very difficult to stop. What on earth do we do, especially when some of it is taking place outside school where we really do have no jurisdiction?

From personal experience the thing that I find most difficult is when, having sat down the various parties and thrashed it all out, they both agree to end the bullying and to them tell me the instant anything starts up again. In my experience, they don't then tell me until it has got way out of hand again .. invariably when both sides have done things wrong.

So ... the first thing to say is that I am not trying to imply that any of the above is relevant to your case and I imagine it isn't. The second thing is that it is important that you make sure your child's school have a written letter of complaint and thirdly I would strongly suggest that, if you haven't done this already, you ask for a personal meeting with your child's Head of Year where you spell out how difficult it has become for your child. I know you shouldn't have to do this, but it is much easier to see in a meeting that the situation is actually a serious one and the Head of Year (who probably has no more than a couple of hours a week in school time to deal with all the problems for an entire year group) will then be more likely to actually prioritise it.

Finally, I would suggest - with apologies if you have already - spend some time talking to your child about how it is important to have a thick skin sometimes and about how actually their bullies are really the weak ones. Giving them some strategies to cope can make a big difference.

Best of luck and I do feel for you because I think it is fair to say that schools generally do not do a good job of dealing with bullying ... largely because, as I've said above, there is so little they can do.

 

[Peter Burgess]

Is it physical, or not? Name-calling and teasing, or fighting? Or both?

hi peter

bad name calling and throwing things snidey remarks

The sort that leaves no physical trace but destroys self confidence.

A lot of emotional support can help - provide the praise and appreciation they don't get from their peers, and provide the support the school staff clearly are unable or unwilling to give. It can't stop the bullying though, but might help to mitigate the effects of it.

If they are going caving regularly, get them a good sense of achievement so they can always say to themselves that they have achieved something that the pondlife at school would never attempt, or be encouraged to try by their pathetic parents. Get them to work out routes in caves, teach them to have the confidence to climb and to abseil. I'm sure you can think of other things.

 

[darkplaces]

I was bullied at school and they do pick on the quiet or less confident ones.

Personally I think the best thing in the world IS for the person being bullied to give the bully a good smacking after you have documented that you as the parent have tried the usual with teachers which never works then you can give your support to self-defence. All the non violence people will be horrified but the world is a nasty place and so its needed sometimes. Otherwise nothing can and will be done, the poor youngster will simply suffer AND let me tell you it will affect them for the rest of there life. I hate bullies they deserve a good thrashing, because they are manipulative and know how to work the system, they are doing it because it makes them feel good. Not because they are sad inside, what tosh.

 

[damian]

I hate bullies they deserve a good thrashing, because they are manipulative and know how to work the system, they are doing it because it makes them feel good. Not because they are sad inside, what tosh.

I would suggest that a lot of the time they are doing it because they are very unhappy children who are desperately unloved. Please don't blame a 12 year old child for their actions .. it's their parents' fault!

 

[ttxela]

I hate bullies they deserve a good thrashing, because they are manipulative and know how to work the system, they are doing it because it makes them feel good. Not because they are sad inside, what tosh.

I would suggest that a lot of the time they are doing it because they are very unhappy children who are desperately unloved. Please don't blame a 12 year old child for their actions .. it's their parents' fault!

Thinking back to my own schooldays I can remember several individuals who were both bullied and bullies, some of which I still know now from both sides, it's a narrow view based on my own experience but I would say that there was no deficiency in the homelife of either side.

There were also quite a few "rough character's" who were always ready for a fight and always seemed to be in trouble. These chaps did indeed not have the best life outside school but they were definitely not bullies as they were not really picking on  people in the same way.

I think as everyone has said confidence is the key here, maybe on both sides?

 

[cap n chris]

Once the bullies are dead life becomes joyful.

 

[darthnoddy]

I was bullied by one particular lad at school for a good couple of years right up until i broke his nose with a stool in science class, i don't wan't to encourage voilence but it worked for me.

 

[stealth]

I was bullied at school and they do pick on the quiet or less confident ones.

 
the person having a bad time at the moment is quiet  and  reserved  and to some extent less confident then their peers

i was bullied at junior school by one particular lad (lots of years ago) and it got to the point where i would hide in the school loos at home time till i knew he had left the school ,then i would go home the long way round so i could avoid seeing the lad. One day  he pushed too far,  i flipped, grabbed him and gave him a good fist in the face (i was only 10). (my first and only act of physical violence) but that stopped the bullying. Now i dont advocate violence is the answer but it did work in my case.

i cant blame the teachers for not trying i personally think it is the system that needs a good overhauling at this particular school. maybe then and only then bullying will be under control, 

 

[whitelackington]

My little brother had a stool smashed over his head, breaking his nose on his first day of school, he was not even five but it did not seem to bother him much, amazingly. :-\

 

[ttxela]

Now i dont advocate violence is the answer but it did work in my case.

So, so far the only examples of stopping bullying or bringing it under control have involved some degree of striking back physically, me included. Has anyone managed to bring about a more peaceful solution successfully?

 

[Ship-badger]

Hitting back is the only thing that ever worked for me. Admittedly things were very different when I was at school; the police would never have got involved with bullying at school, whereas they was an article on our local news recently where a lad had been cautioned for his bullying behaviour at school. I believe that our society now acts in favour of the bully; "you can't hit me, I know my rights, I'll have the law on you", and that's just from their parents.

Damien is correct in that the fault is often at home with the parents; but it's too late to do much about that now isn't it.

 

[stealth]

so then what is the answer? is it best to try and ignore bullies, or fight back  like with like, i dont know. if i was the one being bullied i would tend to ignore, but thats age tellin me that,  how do year 11 cope?    they havent got long before leaving school so should they just ride it out as best they can ?

 

[damian]

Hitting back is the only thing that ever worked for me. Admittedly things were very different when I was at school; the police would never have got involved with bullying at school, whereas they was an article on our local news recently where a lad had been cautioned for his bullying behaviour at school. I believe that our society now acts in favour of the bully; "you can't hit me, I know my rights, I'll have the law on you", and that's just from their parents.

I have to confess that one bullying incident I failed to successfully deal with at school a few years ago was stopped when the Police were brought into it by one party. I can't imagine what it cost though because three staff in school (including me) had to make statements and the policeman I spoke to about it had already spent a day and a half on it.

so then what is the answer? is it best to try and ignore bullies, or fight back  like with like, i dont know. if i was the one being bullied i would tend to ignore, but thats age tellin me that,  how do year 11 cope?    they havent got long before leaving school so should they just ride it out as best they can ?

I was going to say that in my experience there is much less bullying in Year 11 than lower down the school, but on reflection I think it's probably that the pupils tend to put up with it more ... but they definitely shouldn't have to!

 

[MDS]

Once the bullies are dead life becomes joyful.

Hear, Hear! 

I was bullied by one particular lad at school for a good couple of years right up until i broke his nose with a stool in science class, i don't wan't to encourage voilence but it worked for me.

Sometimes it's just the only way!

So, so far the only examples of stopping bullying or bringing it under control have involved some degree of striking back physically, me included. Has anyone managed to bring about a more peaceful solution successfully?

The determined bully only understands the fist. If you can't put a fire out with water then you'll have no choice but to fight fire with fire else you'll suffer relentlessy. Bullies whom get away with it often bring like-minded allies into it also then your life is sheer torture!!

How else do you stop someone who thrives on power over their victim if the "appropriate channels" have their hands tied?

The politically correct won't like my views but then I'm not politically correct!   

 

[cap n chris]

Nor am I. 

However (just as an example, not a suggestion) if you were to get classes in (say) kick boxing then, when an opportunity arises, you would perhaps have the option to render your bully infertile, toothless or blind* - it would be your choice, not his/hers!: obviously I'm not condoning such behaviour (although it would be a classic bit of retribution) and it would be unwise to encourage you (not that I am, of course) and it would also be questionable to incite you to engage in such tit-for-tat behaviour (which I'm not). In fact, don't do it. On the other hand....

* All three gets you a bonus.