Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing. (Read 1388989 times)

Graigwen · « **Reply #7200 on:** January 12, 2021, 07:40:42 pm »

Quote from: shotlighter on January 12, 2021, 07:05:10 pm

If the Dutch are refusing to accept British ham sandwiches, then we should stop having their caps.

Surely in the spirit of Brexit we should keep fishing rights on Flemish Cap?

(A bit niche this.)

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7201 on:** January 13, 2021, 08:09:29 am »

My wife gave me an envelope marked “not to be opened until 2023”.

Inside was a list of reasons why I can’t be trusted to carry out simple instructions.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7202 on:** January 14, 2021, 08:55:10 am »

There's been a lot of debate about anti-Vaxxers on Facebook lately. I am now coming forward to stand up and say I'm firmly in the anti-Vax camp. There, I've said it!

I have my reasons, like many anti-Vaxxers, but it's important that everyone approaches this sensitive topic armed with the information THEY know to be true. I know my truth and I have the first-hand experience that backs up my stance.
I had a Vax once and it was the worst vacuum cleaner ever. I will never buy one again. All these armchair experts have clearly never experienced the disappointment of having to go over the same piece of carpet, again and again, to pick up the same piece of cotton.
I am firmly in the Dyson camp and I will not be swayed.

Duck ditch · « **Reply #7203 on:** January 14, 2021, 01:49:12 pm »

Cult of the new Tony. Cult of the new.
Of course I have to say that I got rid of my vacuum last year because it was just gathering dust.

hoehlenforscher · « **Reply #7204 on:** January 14, 2021, 11:22:08 pm »

Orion’s Belt is a waist of space.
I know - it’s not a great joke. Only three stars.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7205 on:** January 16, 2021, 07:49:06 am »

A 65-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience…
Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up ?”
God said :
“No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded :
“God, you said I had another 33 years to live? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance ?”
God replied, "Oh, sorry - didn’t recognise you".

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7206 on:** January 16, 2021, 08:10:04 am »

Duck ditch · « **Reply #7207 on:** January 16, 2021, 04:34:41 pm »

You’ve got to admire Donald Trump. To try and get an insurrection at his age is commendable

andys · « **Reply #7208 on:** January 17, 2021, 01:07:25 pm »

I have an uncanny ability to predict what's inside a wrapped present.

You might say it's a gift .

GarDouth · « **Reply #7209 on:** January 17, 2021, 04:35:43 pm »

The wife said if you're board why don't you make a bird table?
Now she's kicking off because I've put her in fifth place.

crickleymal · « **Reply #7210 on:** January 19, 2021, 10:44:08 pm »

I got a Womble figurine adjustable pepper grinder for Christmas, it's bloody useless, no matter how I set the thing the pepper is either over ground or under ground.

Mrs Trellis · « **Reply #7211 on:** January 20, 2021, 10:32:06 am »

Just cooked a steak on my George Formby grill....

Turned out nice again!

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7212 on:** January 20, 2021, 11:22:59 am »

Fact of the day: Did you know - the soul singer Bill Withers had a brother called ‘Bear’ who wrote telephone-on-hold music.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7213 on:** January 20, 2021, 07:26:09 pm »

I love looking at the people’s faces freezing and shivering at the bus stop as I drive past them. It’s partly why I became a bus driver.

Pitlamp · « **Reply #7214 on:** January 20, 2021, 07:57:04 pm »

LOL - that reminds me of the "On The Buses" sitcom on the telly when I was a child (Reg Varney et al).

TheBitterEnd · « **Reply #7215 on:** January 21, 2021, 07:59:10 am »

Does anyone on here know of a cure for sex addiction ?

I've tried f**king everything

Duck ditch · « **Reply #7216 on:** January 21, 2021, 02:13:14 pm »

Phew that was close.
As a gay,communist,antifa,Black Muslim lizard. I feel I’ve dodged a bullet. Thank god trump didn’t tell the police to search the cellar of that pizza parlour, my supply of children’s hearts would have dried up. Luckily Tom Hanks has a few for me. All that’s left is for me to get that vaccine so that I can become Bill Gates’s thrall.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7217 on:** January 21, 2021, 08:56:38 pm »

“How much would it be to get a group of church singers ?”
“It’s a choir”
“Sorry, how much would it be to acquire a group of church singers ?”

Duck ditch · « **Reply #7218 on:** January 21, 2021, 09:35:32 pm »

I caught a couple of fish today. I was about to take them home for the freezer until one of them piped up and said” you can’t do that we are British!”

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7219 on:** January 24, 2021, 07:53:28 pm »

I went into PC World earlier today. Bloody hell, you’ve really got to watch what you say in there!

Mrs Trellis · « **Reply #7220 on:** January 25, 2021, 09:09:51 am »

I went sledging yesterday. I told lots of Aussies they were fat and slow and their wives were whores.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7221 on:** January 25, 2021, 09:12:21 am »

Whilst driving along the other day, I thought I saw Irish pop legend Van Morrison in my rearview mirror. What a fool I felt when I remembered that things appear reversed in mirrors. It was actually a Morrison's van.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7222 on:** January 25, 2021, 09:15:21 am »

A mate of mine was telling me he had just moved down to Bournemouth.
I said, “in Dorset?”
He said, “Yes, I highly recommend it”.

GarDouth · « **Reply #7223 on:** January 25, 2021, 11:04:11 am »

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them.
I gave it a try but my goldfish died.

flashheart · « **Reply #7224 on:** January 25, 2021, 10:43:55 pm »

Quote from: tony from suffolk on January 20, 2021, 11:22:59 am

Fact of the day: Did you know - the soul singer Bill Withers had a brother called ‘Bear’ who wrote telephone-on-hold music.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers...