Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[wallop]

While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than
I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the
other side with a radar gun, laying in wait.



The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and, with that
classic, patronising smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher??

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do
you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind
a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.00

Court costs: £45

Look on copper's face: Priceless.... ££££££££

 

[graham]

IKEA are now selling their new range of easy to assemble LESBIAN BEDS – There's no screwing involved, just tongue in groove

 

[wallop]

HAHAHA VERY GOOD.

 

[wallop]

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".
:shock: :shock: :shock:

 

[Brendan]

What do you call a Smartie with an erection?

A drawing pin

 

[andymorgan]

What's pink and hard?


The Financial Times crossword

 

[Slug]

What does a Polish man give his bride on Her wedding day thats both Long and Hard.










His Surname

 

[andymorgan]

What do you call a woman who eats lots of beans?


Gail

 

[Mr Fell]

Q. Whats long and thin, covered in skin. Red in parts and shoved in tarts?

A. Rhubarb !!

 

[Brains]

Two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other "can you smell fish?"

Two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other, "You drive, I will sort the gunnery"

Two fish swimming around and bump into a wall, "Damn!!"



Sorry!

 

[tubby two]

Ha ha ha! Two parrots on a perch- brilliant! thats got to be my new favourite joke! It's even bumped this ol' classic into second place-

"Did you hear about the magic tractor?....


... It turned into a field".

tt.

(sorry folks, thats about the level of my humour).

 

[wallop]

A beautiful woman was walking down the street when
she was approached by a
man.

The man said, "You are perfection, I must have you
right now!

I'll drop £500 on the ground at your feet

and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can
have had my way with

you roughly from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a
minute.

She called her friend on her mobile phone and told
her about the man's
proposition.

Her girlfriend said, "He's an idiot,

take it cos when he drops the £500 on the ground I'm
sure you can pick it

up and run before he even gets his pants down."

Call me back and tell me what happened." The friend
says.

An hour and a half later the lady had still not
called back

so her friend called her,

"Well? What happened?" the friend asked.

The lady said,


"The b@stard had it in 50p's" :shock:

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that
she is no longer pregnant; frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins!..... A boy and a girl.

The babies are fine now however they were poorly at birth and had to be
christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother...he's a fecking, clueless, gob****e!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise."


Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

























"Denephew''

 

[Brains]

What do you call Bambi with his eyes poked out?
No eye deer...
And if you cut his legs off?
Still no eye deer...
And then it turns out he was the love child of a sheep?
Still no eye deer ewe bastard!


BTW, wht did the pervert cross the road?











Couldnt get his dick out of the chicken :shock:

 

[AndyF]

What's brown and sticky...











A stick

 

[AndyF]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but god knows how they got in there...



How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

They can't do it, it's a hardware problem...


How many Miscrosoft salesmen does it take to change a light bulb..?

They can't do it right now, it'll be fixed on the next release....

 

[Brains]

This works better after 10 pints of [insert alcoholic drink of choice]....

Why is a snake called a snake?
Because of its inherrent snake like properties...


How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only 1 but the bulb has to really want to change....

Whats the difference between a Rotweiler and a social worker?
With luck you will get your children back from a rotweiler...




What comes steaming out of Cows backwards?

The Isle of Wight ferry...

 

[Limestone_Cowboy]

Whats blue and square?





An orange in disguise! :roll:

 

[Brendan]

Whats the difference between a midwife and a walrus?





Ones ugly and smells of fish,and the other one is a walrus

 

[Wolfart]

JUST FOUND THIS ON THE NSS SITE.It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and two feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says,

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache".