Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1227313 times)

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #300 on: September 11, 2006, 06:19:02 pm »
Irish Boy's Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose Woman."

The Priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"  "Yes, Father, it is. "

"And, who was the woman you were with," asked the Priest. "

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed. "

"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The Priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast Lad, Timmy ...And, I admire that. But, you have sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend Church Mass for three months. Be off with you now. "

Timmy walks back to his pew. His Friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

Up yer passage !

Offline rhychydwr1

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Revocation Independence for the USA
« Reply #301 on: September 12, 2006, 04:28:33 pm »
A little British
 humor...
 
---------
 
JOHN CLEESE'S ADDRESS TO THE CITIZENS OF
 THE U.S.A.-
 
 
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
 thus to govern yourselves,
 
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
 immediately.
 
 
 
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
 duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
 Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair,
 will appoint a governor for America without the need for further
 elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
 may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
 
 
 
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
 rules are introduced with  immediate effect: You should look up
 "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.  Then look up aluminium,
 and check the pronunciation guide. You will  be amazed at just how
 wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated
 in words such as 'favour' and  'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn
 to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the  suffix
 "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
 
 
 
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
 levels. (look up vocabulary).
 
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
 as "like" and "you know"  is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
 communication.
 
 
 
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
 your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take
 account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of  "-ize".
 
 
 
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.
 
 
 
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
 
 
 
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
 or therapists.  The fact that  you need so many lawyers and therapists
 shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
 
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
 sort things out without suing  someone or speaking to a therapist then
 you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no
 longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
 vegetable peeler.
 
A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
 public.
 
 
 
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
 own good. When we show  you German cars, you will understand what we
 mean. All intersections will be replaced with round- abouts, and you
 will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
 you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
 conversion tables. Both roundabouts and  metrication will help you
 understand the British sense of humour.
 
 
 
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
 calling gasoline) -roughly  $6/US gallon. Get used to it. You will
 learn to make real chips. Those things you call French  fries are not
 real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
 properly called  crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
 and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
 
 
 
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
 beer at all. Henceforth, only proper  British Bitter will be referred
 to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
 referred to as Lager.  American brands will be referred to as
 Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
 further confusion.
 
 
 
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as Good
 guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
 English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue
 in 'Four Weddings And A Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's
 ears removed with a cheese grater.
 
 
 
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
 proper football; you call it soccer.
 
Those of you brave enough will,  in time, be allowed to play rugby
 (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve
 stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body
 armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing
 baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called 'The World
 Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only
 2.1%  of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your
 error is understandable.
 
 
 
You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.
 
 
 
An internal revenue agent (i.e . tax collector) from Her Majesty's
 Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
 all monies due (backdated to 1776).
 
 
 
Thank you for your co-operation.
 

Dep

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #302 on: September 14, 2006, 02:54:29 am »
This has been in the news today - I thought it was funny.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/hampshire/5342000.stm


Dep

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Re: Revocation Independence for the USA
« Reply #303 on: September 14, 2006, 02:57:42 am »
A little British humor...
......

The response from the US:


Your Majesty,

In point 1 you mention that 97.85% of us don't recognize that there is a world outside our borders, yet in point 8 you mention that 98.85% of us don't recognize the same point. On behalf of the citizens of Florida-who are currently playing Bingo and therefore are unavailable for comment- I DEMAND A RECOUNT!

Additionally, I look forward to returning to the British Crown with the following provisions:

1. You guys have to take Elton John back. We have honestly had enough. Next Disney theme song he does carries a death sentence with it. You also have to take all of his clothes and stupid eyeglasses with you when he leaves. We have simply run out of landfill space.

2. You stop exporting Jaguars to the US. German cars are fine, but there are Russian Space Stations with better reliability track records than Jaguar and Rover.

3. We hereby trade you David Hasselhoff and Bruce Willis for Rowan Atkinson and a Spice Girl to be named later.

4. We will give up american football provided that we get to keep baseball in favour of cricket. Any sport named after an insect that requires a knit sweater and khakis is not a sport.  do you see?!

5. In an effort to provide Uniformity with the crown, we agree to make the following changes:

a. All livestock will be infected with the mad cow disease.

b. The term "Gas" will be changed to "Petrol", and the price per gallon will triple.

c. We will now start sitting on the wrong side of the car and driving on the wrong side of the road, provided you  agree not to install any "roundabouts" or "driving circles" on our nation's roads. Roads are dangerous enough, no need to make everyone drive like they are from Massachusetts.

d. Police will stop carrying guns, and all criminals will actually have to stop when the police yell "Stop!"

e. We will start serving beer at or above room temperature.

f. The first two words added to our collective vocabulary will be "bloody" as a verb and "bugger" as a noun/adjective. "Blimy" will be slowly worked in over the next few months.

g. We will start watching soccer, I mean football, with the provision that any time more than 4 people are watching, at least half of them must be actively involved in a riot.

h. We will immediately start making more fun of the Scottish.

i. We will take all of the flavoring out of our food.

j. We will switch to Centigrade, making 32 degrees very hot.

k. All of our TV networks will switch to BBC and a number (NBC will be BBC8, etc.), with uniform content and an absolute ban on variety. Masterpiece Theater will be the only show televised on all channels from 8 to 10 pm. After the conversion is complete, we will try to make PBS less daring and sensationalist.

l. Margaret Thatcher will replace Janet Reno as least attractive government figure.

m. All lawyers will be required to wear huge wigs, except for Johnny Cochran, who will be allowed to wear Dr. J's old afro.

Glad to be back in the fold, John.

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #304 on: September 17, 2006, 03:25:51 pm »
Have a look at this - silly ole goat   http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/4748292.stm       :lol:
Up yer passage !

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #305 on: September 18, 2006, 06:01:21 pm »
Wonder if he had any `kids' - if so e would have been ok for a nanny ;D
Up yer passage !

Offline Billy Butcombe

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #306 on: September 21, 2006, 08:48:48 am »
Wonder if he had any `kids' - if so e would have been ok for a nanny ;D

If he did he would have been ok for a `nanny' eh? ;D

Offline rhychydwr1

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WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...
« Reply #307 on: September 21, 2006, 11:16:03 am »

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...



LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT
MORNING.

I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND
SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY
BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.

SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT
DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING
BOSS,HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND
SAID,"YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR
BIRTHDAY,LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.LET'S
GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE WOULD NORMALLY GO.

WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO
MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.
ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A
BEAUTIFUL DAY:  WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF
YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE
RIGHT BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.





SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM.



AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE:
FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL
SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".



AND I JUST SAT THERE...



ON THE COUCH...



NAKED.


Offline rhychydwr1

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Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
« Reply #308 on: September 21, 2006, 11:21:11 am »

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!



Customer:     "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator:     "Where did you get that number from, sir?"

Customer:     "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator:     "Sir, they are our opening hours".



------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics



Caller:          "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"



Operator:         "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are
talking about".



Caller:          "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"



Operator:      "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services



Caller:          "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia ?"



Operator:      " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel
to

the other side of the car?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries



Caller:               "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff please".



Operator:          "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling
correct?"



Caller:               "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar
but the 'B' fell off".

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator:        "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller:             "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
Scotland ".

------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box

told a worried operator:



"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number
on".

------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------

Tech Support:      "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer:             "OK".

Tech Support:      "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer:             "No".

Tech Support:      "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer:             "No".

Tech Support:      "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?".



Customer:            "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'".

------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------

Tech Support:          "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen,
can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer:                 "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------

Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
file back again?".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
long

time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a
true

story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a

recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the
Help

Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word

Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now
I

know why they record these conversations!):





Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller:              "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator:         "What sort of trouble??"

Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
the words went away."

Operator:         "Went away?"

Caller:              "They disappeared."

Operator:         "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller:              "Nothing."

Operator:         "Nothing??"

Caller:              "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller:              "How do I tell?"

Operator:         "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller:              "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?"

Caller:              "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
accept anything I type."

Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller:              "What's a monitor?"

Operator:         "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like
a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's  on??"

Caller:               "I don't know."

Operator:          "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller:              "Yes, I think so."

Operator:         "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall.

Caller:              "Yes, it is."

Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller:               "No."

Operator:          "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable."

Caller:               "Okay, here it is."

Operator:          "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer."

Caller:               "I can't reach."

Operator:          "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller:               "No."

Operator:          "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over??"

Caller:               "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle
- it's because it's dark."

Operator:          "Dark??"

Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light
I have is coming in from the window.



" Operator:        "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller:               "I can't."

Operator:          "No? Why not??"

Caller:               "Because there's a power failure."

Operator:          "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've
got it licked now.



Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in??"



Caller:               "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator:           "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack
it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you bought it from."

Caller:                "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator:            "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller:                 "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them??"

Operator:            "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a
computer!!!!!"




Offline Brains

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #309 on: September 22, 2006, 09:55:50 am »
A spokesperson for the BBC has announced that until his recovery is complete, Richard (The Hamster) Hammond will be temporarily replaced on Top Gear by Lily Savage, on the grounds that they need a better drag act...

Offline rhychydwr1

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Two Mexicans
« Reply #310 on: September 25, 2006, 10:04:34 am »
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune,and
there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon,
dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked
bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert don't
forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that ....Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe
with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees it?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush."




Offline rhychydwr1

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Why you should never send men shopping
« Reply #311 on: September 25, 2006, 03:07:50 pm »
Kmart store 4855 Store Phone: (775) 746-4700
SUMMIT RIDGE, RENO, NV, 89503 Pharmacy Phone: (775) 746-3030

12 March 2005

Jon Walker
Store Manager
Kmart store 4855
Summit Ridge, Reno, NV, 89503

Mrs. Fenton
35 Rasmussen Street
Moores Park, Reno, NV, 89503

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

During the preceding 6 months our security staff has been monitoring your husbands activities while in our store. The
list below details his offences, all of which have been verified by our surveillance cameras and we have retained copies
on tape.

We have repeatedly given your husband verbal warnings while he is in this store and he has subsequently ignored
them. He replied to these warning with rudeness and the response “while the wife shops here I will come here too”. We
are therefore forced to ban you, your husband and your family from this store.

The following list details your husbands activates in this store over the past six months.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares and watched what
happened.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-buy.

September 14: Moved a 'Caution - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite the in if they'll bring pillows.

September 23: If any staff offers him assistance he begins to cry and asks, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?”

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it a mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10: While in the gun department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.

December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO!
NO! It's those voices again!"

December 23: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet
paper in here!

John F. Walker
Store Manager

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #312 on: September 26, 2006, 09:18:56 pm »
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!" :thumbsup:
Up yer passage !

Offline rhychydwr1

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Subject: What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?
« Reply #313 on: September 27, 2006, 09:22:30 am »
Subject: What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?

Message:

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling
Of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:
"You're next, fatty."

 -------------------------------

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his
wife  is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex
with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

 -------------------------------------

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a
suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to London.
I heard prostitutes there get paid £100 for doing what I do for
you  for free."
 Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the
bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £200 a year".

 ------------------------------ ----

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected:
2 litres of low fat milk
a carton of eggs
2 litres of orange juice
a head of lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes
a 500g jar of coffee
a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out,
A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in 
front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly Stated "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed
single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing 
Particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the 
drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she
said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct.
 But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied,"Cause you're ugly."

 ------------------------------ -----

Man wakes up one morning to see his wife in a skimpy negligee,
standing by the bed, and with some velvet rope in her hand. She
purrs at him "Tie me up and you can do anything that you like" 
So he did, and went to play golf

****

Voted best Irish joke of 2006 !


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"


That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the
Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"


John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
Church beside me wife."


"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
Street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the 
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he 
fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


Offline rhychydwr1

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Memo
« Reply #314 on: September 27, 2006, 11:47:28 am »
Memo

 To: All Departments

 RE: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T)

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well
trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If
you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course,
please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top
of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at
seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T)..

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they
don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching
others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of
LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL
OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course
emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T


If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).


Thank you,

Gus H...

 BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life,
just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have already
had their fill of S.H.I.T.

Thank you for your time. !

Sincerely,



The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.

(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).





hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #315 on: September 27, 2006, 01:20:47 pm »
Camilla wore new shoes for her wedding and they became tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla.

"Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man"

Offline rhychydwr1

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Subject: Terrorism
« Reply #316 on: October 03, 2006, 12:32:13 pm »


A school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted
to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set
square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a press conference the Home Secretary, John Read, said he believed
the man was a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement, and he has  been
charged with carrying weapons of maths destruction.....



Offline rhychydwr1

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...UP & DOWN THE RIVER
« Reply #317 on: October 03, 2006, 12:36:04 pm »
 ...UP & DOWN THE RIVER
 
 At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an  elderly lady
 struck up a conversation, and discovered that they both loved to  fish.
 
 Since, both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing  together
 the  next day.
 
 The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river  to his
 fishing boat, and started out on their adventure.
 
 They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the  river, and
the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and  made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
 
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just  happened,

but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
 
They fished for a while, and continued on down the river, when  soon they
came upon another fork in the river.
 
He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild  passionate
love to him again.
 
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go
fishing again the next day!
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the  boat when
they  came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked,  "Up or
down?"...The woman replied, "Down."
 
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat  down
the river, when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the
 lady,  "Up or down?"...She replied, "Up."
 
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal?
Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down  - you
made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
 
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid,  and I
thought the choices were: f##k  or drown."
 
 


Offline rhychydwr1

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Balance
« Reply #318 on: October 03, 2006, 12:38:51 pm »

When God Made the Earth

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six  days

Eventually Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds.

"Look Michael, look what I've made" said God Archangel Michael looked
puzzled and said "What is it?" "It's a planet", replied God, "and  I've put
life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and its going to be a great  place of
balance"

"Balance?" enquired Michael, still confused.

God explained pointing to the Earth "For example, North America  will be a
place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going  to be
poor: the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and

Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of  white
people and over there I've placed a continent of black people." God
continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be  extremely hot
and arid while this one will be very cold and covered with ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's works, then pointed to a small  area of
land and said "What's that". "Ah," said God, Thats Liverpool, the most
glorious place on Earth.

The people there are the most beautiful; they will have two great  football
teams, the greatest horse race in the world, two impressive

Cathedrals and will be the home of the greatest pop group ever".

The people from Liverpool are going to be the most modest,   intelligent and
humorous on Earth. They are to be found travelling the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving.

They will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers  of peace"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed,

"What about balance God?

You said there will be balance"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting  next to
them in Manchester"




Offline rhychydwr1

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Nurse
« Reply #319 on: October 04, 2006, 03:16:29 pm »
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
black?"
 
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
 
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the
covers.

She raises his gown, holds his male organ in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong
with them Sir."

 
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely...

 
 
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
 
 




Offline rhychydwr1

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This Is Totally Amazing.
« Reply #320 on: October 05, 2006, 11:33:40 am »

This Is Totally Amazing.

Say the word COW before each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now say the word COW After each word

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look

Now say the word COW before AND after each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now read just the words upwards from the bottom.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4- Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look

________________________________


tubby two

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #321 on: October 05, 2006, 02:26:24 pm »
Damn, i got all the top of those right and thought i was reet clever there.

Best tell a joke now......


How do you get a fat bird into bed?











Piece of cake.


tt.

wormster

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #322 on: October 06, 2006, 07:33:39 pm »
Continuing:

how d'you F***k a fat bird?

Roll her in flower and aim for the wet spot.

(duks behind sofa awaiting flaming) :bounce:

Offline AndyF

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #323 on: October 06, 2006, 08:54:28 pm »
How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat...








When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo....
"Life's a pitch, then you fall down one..."

wormster

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #324 on: October 07, 2006, 10:30:58 am »
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home drunk out of his mind and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but I think I'd remember a brawl. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'