Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1216240 times)

Online GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6350 on: April 05, 2019, 12:41:03 pm »
Me:- Boss I'm not coming into work to day 'cos i am sick.
Boss:- How sick are you?
Me:- Well I'm in bed with my sister.
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Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6351 on: April 05, 2019, 01:34:57 pm »
I asked my wife why she married me

"because you are funny" she replied

"oh" I said, "I always thought it was because I was good in bed"

""see", she said, " you're hilarious"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6352 on: April 05, 2019, 01:42:12 pm »
I’m thinking of starting a palm plant business but I don’t have any saplings to get me started.
Asking for a frond.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6353 on: April 06, 2019, 12:47:50 pm »
I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids - in one ear and out of the other.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6354 on: April 07, 2019, 08:05:13 am »
People hang on my every word.

Which is why I got the sack from the Samaritans.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6355 on: April 07, 2019, 01:23:55 pm »
A lorry has overturned on the M1 shedding its load of Vicks Sinex.

No congestion expected for the next 8 hours.



Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6356 on: April 09, 2019, 06:07:29 pm »
My wife was going to the hairdresser’s. As she was leaving, she asked me what cut I thought would make her look most attractive.

Apparently “a power cut” wasn’t the right answer.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6357 on: April 10, 2019, 01:01:24 am »
Just as I suspected,

someone has been dumping soil in my garden!


The plot thickens!



Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6358 on: April 10, 2019, 12:10:55 pm »
Sad news today that the inventor of the speed boat has died.
His funeral is Monday, followed by the wake.
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Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6359 on: April 10, 2019, 03:31:18 pm »
Well that was odd!
 
I found a hat full of money down the High Street,
 
but then I got chased down the road by a man with a guitar!
 
 
Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6360 on: April 11, 2019, 06:26:45 pm »
“A cannibal took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie”

“Gladiator?”

“No, I really miss her”.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6361 on: April 13, 2019, 12:50:21 pm »
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.
I thought to myself,
"Well, this changes everything."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6362 on: April 13, 2019, 12:58:33 pm »
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he'd caught many fish.

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6363 on: April 14, 2019, 06:18:31 pm »
I didn't think wearing orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
MNRC

Offline Elaine

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6364 on: April 14, 2019, 08:09:33 pm »
A vegan told me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Wot tiny writing!

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6365 on: April 15, 2019, 08:58:09 am »
Does anyone know how long you cook boil in the bag fish for?

I won it at the fair and there are no instructions on the bag.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6366 on: April 15, 2019, 02:08:37 pm »
It's incredible that The Bible was so specific in forbidding shops with 280 square metres of floor space to open for more than 6 hours on a Sunday in England.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6367 on: April 16, 2019, 09:39:32 am »
I'm thinking of taking this wine box back to complain. It says once opened it will last for 6 weeks. It only lasted 3 days.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6368 on: April 16, 2019, 10:09:17 am »
I just spent £400 hiring a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver!
Cant believe i spent all the money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 10:20:07 am by Laurie »
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6369 on: April 16, 2019, 01:07:28 pm »
My new career as a magician is not going well.
I've had some bad reviews on TrickAdviser.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6370 on: April 16, 2019, 05:41:35 pm »
I was attacked by a group of mime artists last night.
They did unspeakable things to me.
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Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6371 on: April 16, 2019, 09:41:17 pm »
went to see a faith healer last night, he was useless and even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out...

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6372 on: April 17, 2019, 06:45:44 pm »
In the wreckage of the cathedral the  firefighters could only salvage a small case. Inside they found two sandwiches, a bag of crisps and a carton of juice.

It was the lunchpack of Notre Dame
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6373 on: April 20, 2019, 09:15:06 am »
I’ve been out looking for some roadkill, but it’s a bit thin on the ground.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6374 on: April 25, 2019, 08:36:47 am »
I can't believe how many times I've been let down by the people who had arranged to come and fix my broken doorbell.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"