Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing. (Read 1318767 times)

Tricky Dicky · « **Reply #6525 on:** October 04, 2019, 01:43:24 pm »

What's brown and sticky - and plays the trumpet??

Gluey Armstrong

Tricky Dicky · « **Reply #6526 on:** October 04, 2019, 02:10:41 pm »

Quote from: GarDouth on October 03, 2019, 04:14:53 pm

I noticed there is a competition for 'World's best sexual contortionist', so I've entered myself.

I was going to enter, but didn't get round to it............

TheBitterEnd · « **Reply #6527 on:** October 04, 2019, 07:48:40 pm »

What if the Hokey-Cokey is what it's all about?

Tricky Dicky · « **Reply #6528 on:** October 07, 2019, 02:54:02 pm »

I’ve had such a bad morning.

First I got into fight with a guy dressed as Shakespeare, then I almost choked on a German sausage.

It’s gone from bard to wurst…

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6529 on:** October 08, 2019, 07:25:04 pm »

"Spot!" I said. "Here boy! Come on. Come to daddy. Here boy!" I patted my legs, waved a stick, made a panting noise. Nothing. He didn't move a muscle.

Honestly, goldfish are so stupid.

Laurie · « **Reply #6530 on:** October 09, 2019, 12:06:17 am »

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was " Pints, litres, gallons".
That spoke volumes.

Roger W · « **Reply #6531 on:** October 09, 2019, 09:37:59 am »

That reminds me of one that's probably been on here before:

"I really should have listened to the advice my old grandpa gave me."

"Why - what advice did he give you?"

"I don't know - I didn't listen."

bograt · « **Reply #6532 on:** October 10, 2019, 09:40:37 am »

Sewage worker tripped up - fell between two stools---

Fulk · « **Reply #6533 on:** October 10, 2019, 12:18:30 pm »

If he couldn't swim, he probably went through the motions.

Alex · « **Reply #6534 on:** October 10, 2019, 12:21:27 pm »

One could say he was up shit creek without a paddle.

Maj · « **Reply #6535 on:** October 10, 2019, 05:27:18 pm »

I bet there was a lot of paperwork!

Maj.

crickleymal · « **Reply #6536 on:** October 11, 2019, 11:54:50 am »

As I sat there this morning drinking coffee in my slippers.
I thought "I really must wash some cups".

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6537 on:** October 15, 2019, 05:58:49 pm »

Emperor Nero was watching some Christians being thrown to the lions. He turned to his wife and said, "Do you know what I like most about this sport? No pitch invasions."

Roger W · « **Reply #6538 on:** October 15, 2019, 10:11:47 pm »

That reminds me of the time a particularly holy saint was thrown to the lions. They soon polished him off, but were all violently sick afterwards.

As one of them said to the others,

"You just can't keep a good man down."

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6539 on:** October 21, 2019, 09:43:35 am »

At the airport - "Just thinking dear, I wish we'd bought the telly with us". "Why's that dear, do you think you're going to be bored on holiday?"

"No dear; the passports are on top of it".

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6540 on:** October 25, 2019, 04:25:20 pm »

What has no wheels and is drawn by reindeer?
A really bad picture of a car.

cavingbiker · « **Reply #6541 on:** October 26, 2019, 09:27:59 am »

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

Martin Wright · « **Reply #6542 on:** October 28, 2019, 12:13:45 pm »

What do you call a Welshman in a Rugby World Cup Final?

The referee

crickleymal · « **Reply #6543 on:** October 30, 2019, 08:32:45 pm »

Yesterday I yelled I to a colander. I strained my voice.

hoehlenforscher · « **Reply #6544 on:** October 30, 2019, 11:36:11 pm »

I told my mate that I’d always fancied Beyonce. He said, ‘well whatever floats your boat’ & I said, ‘no that’s buoyancy’

Maj · « **Reply #6545 on:** October 31, 2019, 12:45:53 am »

The other day I went to a reunion at Clarks.

What a load of cobblers.
R.Sole was there, he laced someone's drink causing them to stagger into a display stand.
It was sole destroying.

Maj.

shotlighter · « **Reply #6546 on:** October 31, 2019, 10:50:24 am »

I suppose that's the last reunion.

GarDouth · « **Reply #6547 on:** October 31, 2019, 04:07:05 pm »

I’ll be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.
Sod the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.

Maj · « **Reply #6548 on:** November 01, 2019, 09:22:56 am »

Quote from: shotlighter on October 31, 2019, 10:50:24 am

I suppose that's the last reunion.

Anvile it was too!
But someone had to toe the party line.

Maj.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6549 on:** November 02, 2019, 01:13:47 pm »

I phoned up Weight Watchers, and said, “it’s an emergency; can you send somebody round?”

They said, “yeah - we’ve got loads of them.”