Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1318839 times)

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6550 on: November 02, 2019, 10:03:04 pm »
I had a dream where I was fighting the grim reaper armed only with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with Death.
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6551 on: November 03, 2019, 11:14:42 am »
A guy has come to replace my boiler. He seems very nice and all, but he just doesn’t heat the water up as effectively.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6552 on: November 04, 2019, 08:46:10 am »
A truck carrying incontinence pants has shed its load on the M42. Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6553 on: November 05, 2019, 08:59:53 pm »
A man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes.

The son did this religiously every morning, and lived to be 104.
When he died, he left 9 children, 28 grandchildren, 87 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6554 on: November 08, 2019, 10:48:47 am »
When the Vikings were in England, they used to conduct all their funerals at Burnham-on-Sea.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6555 on: November 08, 2019, 02:26:27 pm »
There was a young man who wanted to marry his girl-friend and decided to set about it in the old-fashioned way by asking his prospective father-in-law for his daughter’s hand in marriage. The fellow was fine about this, but added, ‘I think that you should know, before taking on such a commitment, that my daughter has acute angina’. ‘Sure has’, replied the boy with a smirk,  ‘She’s gotta nice pair of tits an’ all’.

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6556 on: November 09, 2019, 12:39:27 am »
I’m probably just being paranoid but I can definitely see five Peruvian owls standing on my fence, watching me through the kitchen window.

I’m sure they’re Inca hoots.


Offline Martin Wright

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6557 on: November 11, 2019, 10:28:43 am »
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He worked it out with a pencil.
The deepest solace lies in understanding this ancient unseen stream

Offline shotlighter

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6558 on: November 11, 2019, 11:03:09 am »
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He worked it out with a pencil.
I hear that the pencil didn't work,  so he had to use logs

Offline paul

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6559 on: November 11, 2019, 05:09:45 pm »
The man who invented predictive text has died.

His funfairs next monkey. May he rust in piss.
I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing!

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6560 on: November 12, 2019, 06:54:22 pm »
“So what’s the verdict doctor?”
“Good news or bad news?”
“Good news first…”
“We’ve named a disease after you!”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6561 on: November 14, 2019, 08:13:18 pm »
Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is!



Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline Martin Wright

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6562 on: November 15, 2019, 09:20:59 am »
Confucius say:
"Girl who sit on jockey's knee get hot tip"
"Girl who sit on judge's knee get honourable discharge"
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Man who go to bed with sex problem on his mind wake up with solution on chest"

TV reporter approaches Chinese student and asks "When did you last have an election?" to which he replies "Just before blekfast"
The deepest solace lies in understanding this ancient unseen stream

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6563 on: November 15, 2019, 09:58:45 am »
Confucius say:
"Girl who sit on jockey's knee get hot tip"
"Girl who sit on judge's knee get honourable discharge"
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Man who go to bed with sex problem on his mind wake up with solution on chest"

These quotes just more fake news - Confuucious himself told me he never said anything like this.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6564 on: November 15, 2019, 12:12:58 pm »
I've been revising for a practical exam on pest control.
I was up all night swatting.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline martinb

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6565 on: November 15, 2019, 02:35:41 pm »
A nine letter word which meaning constipation....


'Nnnnnnnnn'



Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6566 on: November 17, 2019, 06:39:04 am »
I just heard that an old mate of mine has got leprosy.  I think I’ll give him a bell.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6567 on: November 17, 2019, 12:12:40 pm »
The anaesthetist told me that he could put me under for the operation either with gas or by knocking me out with a large paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6568 on: November 18, 2019, 06:32:38 am »
"Give that man a big hand!"

Not something you want to hear before a prostate examination.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6569 on: November 18, 2019, 10:05:28 am »
"Give that man a big hand!"

Not something you want to hear before a prostate examination.
Needs a 'sympathise' button rather than a 'like' button!
MNRC

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6570 on: November 20, 2019, 09:53:39 am »
I got fired when I asked a customer if he preferred smoking or non-smoking. Apparently the correct terms are cremation or burial.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6571 on: November 22, 2019, 09:00:14 pm »
Why is Henry VIII's wife covered in teeth marks?

Because he's Tudor.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6572 on: November 22, 2019, 09:33:59 pm »
Pulling your Christmas crackers already Tony?  ::)
MNRC

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6573 on: November 23, 2019, 12:26:35 pm »
So many judgmental people these days.

I can tell just by looking at them.
MNRC

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6574 on: November 24, 2019, 05:31:51 pm »
My mate told me he doesn't understand cloning.

I said " That makes two of us".
MNRC

 

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