Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1364439 times)

Offline Laurie

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2218
  • ...and then there was one.
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7025 on: October 06, 2020, 12:36:13 pm »
I remember when I was a kid you could go to the store with £1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, two chocolate bars and a can of drink.......................... Now, they have cameras everywhere.
MNRC

Offline Laurie

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2218
  • ...and then there was one.
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7026 on: October 08, 2020, 11:14:45 am »
Doctor says, "Alcoholism is a disease."
Barman says, "Get your shots here."
MNRC

Online andys

  • Outside its dropped to under zero, but I'm warm on here as a
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1604
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7027 on: October 09, 2020, 04:10:17 pm »
My Scuba diving business is really suffering. I fear that if Covid restrictions continue, then by the end of the month we won't go under.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online Badlad

  • Administrator
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1973
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7028 on: October 09, 2020, 04:39:30 pm »
On the radio today - made me laugh....

Two blokes got caught stealing a calendar.  They got six months each.

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2806
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7029 on: October 13, 2020, 09:22:25 am »
I can’t believe how rude the suppository helpline was.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2806
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7030 on: October 15, 2020, 07:41:29 pm »
When you’re feeling down replace the word “problem” with “opportunity” in all your thoughts.

For example: I have a severe drinking opportunity.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online PeteHall

  • Global Moderator
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1243
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7031 on: October 16, 2020, 11:38:29 pm »
Sorry Tony, but I think you are out of a job for my evening laughs.

I've just discovered that you can buy a frozen jacket potato. Bemused as to why you might bother to buy a pre-prepared version of the worlds most simple meal (for 5 times the price), I decided to read the customer reviews on the Tesco website. I haven't laughed so much for years!

If that's not enough, the reviews for the Tesco Finest jacket potatoes are hilarious as well!  ;D
The distance between stupidity and genius is measured only by success.

Offline pwhole

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2196
  • TSG, DCA, PDMHS
    • Phil Wolstenholme website
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7032 on: October 17, 2020, 01:19:35 am »
That product serves a fine metaphor for most of modern life at the moment. If they walked to Tesco to buy it, then at least they'd burn more calories than they would washing one and putting it in the oven. But we know they'd drive. Or even better, get it delivered.

Offline Boy Engineer

  • player
  • **
  • Posts: 92
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7033 on: October 18, 2020, 10:42:19 am »
Sorry Tony, but I think you are out of a job for my evening laughs.

I've just discovered that you can buy a frozen jacket potato. Bemused as to why you might bother to buy a pre-prepared version of the worlds most simple meal (for 5 times the price), I decided to read the customer reviews on the Tesco website. I haven't laughed so much for years!

If that's not enough, the reviews for the Tesco Finest jacket potatoes are hilarious as well!  ;D

Nothing can beat the ‘Veet for Men’ hair removal cream reviews on the online tax-avoiding sales platform.

Offline Oceanrower

  • obsessive maniac
  • ***
  • Posts: 330
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7034 on: October 18, 2020, 10:55:12 am »
Sorry Tony, but I think you are out of a job for my evening laughs.

I've just discovered that you can buy a frozen jacket potato. Bemused as to why you might bother to buy a pre-prepared version of the worlds most simple meal (for 5 times the price), I decided to read the customer reviews on the Tesco website. I haven't laughed so much for years!

If that's not enough, the reviews for the Tesco Finest jacket potatoes are hilarious as well!  ;D

Nothing can beat the ‘Veet for Men’ hair removal cream reviews on the online tax-avoiding sales platform.

From that I assume that you voluntarily pay more tax than you have to.

Very noble of you...

Offline TheBitterEnd

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1557
  • KCC
    • KCC - Join an active club
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7035 on: October 21, 2020, 09:57:33 pm »
When my wife gets out of bed, she likes to put on a school boys uniform, a school cap and speak in a Scottish accent.

She’s always a little krankie in the morning...
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Online andys

  • Outside its dropped to under zero, but I'm warm on here as a
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1604
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7036 on: October 22, 2020, 09:18:29 am »
At school, they told me that I'd never be any good at poetry because i’m dyslexic.

But so far I’ve made three jugs and a vase, and they are lovely.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Moose

  • obsessive maniac
  • ***
  • Posts: 381
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7037 on: October 22, 2020, 03:39:35 pm »
What do you call a hen looking at a piece of lettuce?



A chicken caesar salad!

Online andys

  • Outside its dropped to under zero, but I'm warm on here as a
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1604
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7038 on: October 22, 2020, 08:22:47 pm »
Did you know that Nelson was 5ft tall, but his statue on the column is 15ft tall?

That's Horatio of 3 to 1.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online andys

  • Outside its dropped to under zero, but I'm warm on here as a
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1604
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7039 on: October 24, 2020, 06:04:42 pm »
I googled "missing medieval servant" and it came back: "Page not found".
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2806
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7040 on: October 27, 2020, 08:24:18 am »
I’m in trouble with my wife again.
I bought her some lorry oil for her birthday...
Apparently, it’s pronounced ‘L’Oreal’
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2806
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7041 on: October 27, 2020, 07:57:41 pm »
I got a vegetable patch 6 months ago, and now I've completely given up vegetables.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline pwhole

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2196
  • TSG, DCA, PDMHS
    • Phil Wolstenholme website
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7042 on: October 27, 2020, 08:29:42 pm »
Did you have cold turkey?

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2806
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7043 on: October 28, 2020, 08:43:22 am »
Get your wife to start a conversation with you by sitting down to listen to music, read a book or watch the news.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Duck ditch

  • stalker
  • ***
  • Posts: 270
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7044 on: October 28, 2020, 01:29:27 pm »
America’s in a mess but it was always fake.  When in Dallas in the 80s I went to see the Cowboys against the Bears.  It wasn’t the blood bath I was hoping for.

Offline hoehlenforscher

  • menacing presence
  • **
  • Posts: 194
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7045 on: October 29, 2020, 02:14:00 pm »
Took my goldfish to the vet this morning.
"I think it's got epilepsy" I told the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
I said, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Offline Duck ditch

  • stalker
  • ***
  • Posts: 270
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7046 on: October 30, 2020, 06:31:50 pm »
I was hoping that Halloween would die a death.  But sadly everybody seems to be wearing a mask this year.

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2806
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7047 on: November 01, 2020, 04:42:35 pm »
I went to see my doctor and he told me I was obese and diabetic. I thought, he could at least have sugarcoated it a bit.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Mrs Trellis

  • British Jobs for British Shirkers
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1014
  • Daft old bat
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7048 on: November 03, 2020, 10:08:49 am »
A recent survey has shown that 43% of women have used vibrators...

The other 57% bought new ones!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline Mrs Trellis

  • British Jobs for British Shirkers
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1014
  • Daft old bat
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7049 on: November 03, 2020, 12:42:32 pm »
My wife spent an hour and a half getting ready to go out last night. Finally the bathroom door opened and she said, "Do l look fat in this?" I said, "Yes, but to be fair it is a small bathroom!"
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

 

Main Menu

Forum Home Help Search